Um...remember me?

How is is possible that I haven't written an entry in this blog in over a year. When I first started this journey, keeping track of my thoughts and sharing my story was so important, and it fell by the wayside...like so many other things in my life. There's that sticktuitiveness problem again. It's not likely that I can pick up where I left off, but after reading all of the posts I wrote leading up to last January and reflecting on the past 15 months, I feel compelled to try.

So much of what I have written in this blog has been about Dad and his illness and how I was feeling about it and reacting to it.

Dad is now gone.

After reading previous posts, this seems even more unbelievable.

Back to 2010...

Dad bounced back quite well for the summer. He gained weight and improved his attitude dramatically. He had his car in every show as long as it wasn't pouring rain. We went whale watching in St. Andrews. We worked in the yard. We lived.

In October, we learned that the cancer was back, this time in his bones. It was a horrible shock. He had been having some pain in his hips and legs since July, but we hoped it was just arthritis.

After the new diagnosis, things went down hill pretty quickly. Around Thanksgiving, there were days when he didn't even get out of bed. He was in excruciating pain. It was hell for all of us.

One Sunday when I went to Mom and Dad's for dinner, Dad was in bed so I went to lay with him and hold his hand. He asked me what it was all worth...why was he still alive after all this.

I told him I would take back every second of his suffering if I could...bear it all myself. But since I couldn't I explained the many blessings his illness had brought to my life. Since he became ill and went through the hell described in past posts, my life had changed completely. I told him that I had learned compassion, found a new faith, and that I wouldn't want to trade the moments we shared. In the days and nights I spent with him in SICU after his surgery, we bonded more and learned more about each other than we had in the previous 40 years. We had become closer than I every imagined possible. That was what it was all worth and why he was still alive. I know it didn't stop his pain, but I prayed it brought peace to his heart.

Soon after, Dad had some radiation and got his pain medication in order so that his pain was managed to some degree. By Christmas, he was a new man. Eating well, getting out of the house and feeling, I think, as well as could be expected under the circumstances. We went to mass on Christmas eve and ate our lobster rolls when we came home.

Within days, Dad contracted a cold. That turned into some kind of flu. He went on antibiotics and had some sort of a reaction. Then he developed a cough and started losing weight. By February we feared he had pneumonia and he was getting very weak. By March he was rarely leaving the couch.

On Wednesday, March 9, Mom took Dad to the hospital because he was having trouble breathing. He was prescribed something to treat pneumonia and sent home.

On Friday, March 11, he seemed much better and stronger early in the evening. We watched "How to Train Your Dragon" and really enjoyed it. Dad hardly coughed, and I made him some toast. When the movie was over, Dad went to the kitchen for his bedtime pills. By the time he got into the chair, he was so out of breath he started to panic. Hyperventilated and panicked until I feared it was the end. After several minutes, he relaxed and got his breath back. I walked him to the bathroom, and after only a few minutes he was yelling for me to come and get him because he couldn't breathe again. I took him to bed and got him settled after several more minutes of panic and gasping for breath.

On Sunday, March 13, I was working at my desk at home when Mom called to tell me the ambulance was coming for Dad. The Extramural nurse was there and she said Dad's oxygen was dangerously low. I met them at the hospital, and we waited until 10:30 that night before the doctor said Dad would be admitted and Mom and I went home.

I returned to the hospital at 7:30 on the morning of Monday, March 14 and Dad had been moved from emerg to a room. When I found him, he was sleeping.

Over the next few days, there were many tests and a number of incorrect diagnoses. Pneumonia, congestive heart failure, scar tissue...I'm not sure they every figured it out. The bottom line was, there wasn't much hope.

On Wednesday, March 16, Dad was moved to Palliative care. What a nightmare. It was our hope that he was only going there to get his strength and his breath back so we could take him home. I was with him when he was moved. The nurse gave him so ativan (sp?) because he was so afraid to go to Palliative. He asked everyone he saw all day if it was common for people to get stronger and leave Palliative care. They all assured him it was possible. Still, his eyes were wide when we went under the huge "Palliative Care" sign over the door. He was terrified. So was I.

On Thursday, March 17, Dad rested and continued treatment for scar tissue and blood clots in his chest. We waited for word that he could go home. It didn't come.

On Friday, March 18, I decided not to return to my job. I had given my notice for the following Friday anyhow, and I couldn't see the sense in sitting all day at a job I hated waiting to hear news about my poor father. I spent the day in the hospital watching Dad's condition worsen and waiting for the doctor to come and tell us if we could take him home. I had promised to do everything I could to make that happen. I was quite determined. At the end of the day we had a long chat with the doctor and prepared to take Dad home in the morning. We were under no grand illusions, we knew we were taking him home to die, but that was his wish. It was all he could talk about.

Mom and I went home and prepared as best we could to bring him home. I had made arrangements for help with home-care with extra mural nurses, personal care workers, oxygen. We were afraid, but determined to make it work.

Early Saturday, March 19, Mom and I moved things out of the path to the bedroom so the ambulance attendants could wheel Dad to bed on the stretcher. We went to the hospital convinced all would be arranged.

By the time I arrived at his bedside, it was already decided that he could not go home. We were devastated. He had had a terrible night, and even two nurses couldn't settle him down. There was no way Mom and I could handle it. I had to feed Dad his breakfast...two bites of Cream of Wheat and a drink of milk. It was the last thing he ever ate.

He fell asleep and barely woke up at all for the whole day. Late in the morning, Dad's wonderful nurse saw signs that the end was near. She suggested we should contact anyone who would want to see him. After two phone calls, about 20 members of our family arrived. It was a great comfort to have them all so near. Soon after they all arrived, Dad's condition stabilized, and he just slept. The family stayed with us until late in the evening. Mom and I slept in his hospital room. He snored all night.

Early in the morning of Sunday, March 20 we awoke and Dad was very upset. By now he was completely unresponsive, but he was very restless. He started by making little noises in his sleep, but became aggressive and was trying to get out of bed. He would hold us close then push us away, but he couldn't tell us what he wanted.

Within an hour his condition deteriorated badly, and I called his brothers to tell them to come in. His chest had filled with fluid and his breathing was very laboured. Within another hour his breathing had changed to an apnea pattern of one breath every 10 seconds or so. He was peaceful, but dying quickly. We sat with him. I held his hand. Mom and I and Marilyn and Leonard and Mary-Lou talked. At about 9:15am, I noticed his breathing had stopped. I told Mom. I checked for his pulse. It was gone.

I want to record the rest of this story, but I am drained. It is now Friday evening, these past 6 days have been a blur. The pain is all around me, but I can't feel it yet. I'm numb. But I'm aware I'm going to have to feel this before it's all over. The pain will come. I will mourn and I will move on. He gave me this beautiful life, and I plan to live it. Perhaps even more now than before.

The Year of the Andrea!

I rang in 2010 with a dip in the Bay of Fundy! It was part of a business promotion, but it was more meaningful to me than that. To me it was a was a way to welcome MY year! Because this IS my year. I am going to accomplish more in the next 12 months than I have in the past 41 1/2 years! I have my goals set, my mind in the right place, an incredible support system and the absolute and unwavering desire to make it all happen. My business will flourish, my health and fitness will improve, I will become even more spiritual and self-aware, my relationships will become deeper and more loving. It's the year of the ANDREA! I hope everyone comes along though...there's plenty of room and the weather's fine!

Part of my vow to make this the best year ever is to take the good with the bad. 2009 was one of the most trying years of my life, and it turned into THE most remarkable. I learned more about myself in the past year than I have in any other year or the combined years since 1968! With great determination, hard work, and the grace of the universe, I have changed almost everything in my life. It may not look different to anyone else, but I see it all so differently, that it might just as well be a whole new life on a new planet. Everything has changed, and I could not be more grateful.

My vow is to take even any tragedy or challenge I must face in the next 360-odd-days and turn them into learning experiences. To accept them as they are and use them to my best advantage and become a better person.

The Perfect Plan!

So, today, on the third day of this brilliant new year, I have failed dramatically at my first challenge. I have failed miserably at using all that I have learned to help someone else, because helping other people is what it's all about. But I need to learn it first.

My father has been very ill lately. Primarily because he can't eat and he is losing weight drastically. He's down to 120lbs and fading. The look and taste of food makes him ill. After the second bite he starts to gag. And like any other vehicle with no fuel in the tank, he can't operate. He has no energy. He didn't even get off the couch when I came in the house today. That NEVER happens. So, how do I respond you ask...I got angry. I mean really, really angry. Nice, huh? Not that he didn't get up. Not that he can't eat...but that I just don't feel like they're doing anything about it.

Well, I kept my mouth shut. I went and sat with Dad while Mom put the finishing touches on supper. Then when we went to eat, Dad took a couple of bites then had to leave the table because he was getting sick. Mom and I ate in silence for a few minutes, then all hell broke loose. Now, let me explain that we're not a fighting family like some people. For us, all hell broke loose means there was some loud whispering and maybe a few choice words that would have been better left unsaid. But understand that in our house, that's the shit hitting a really big fan.

The problem for me is this. Mom and Dad believe Dad is dying. I don't. Denial...maybe, but so what. I'll take that over sitting on my hands waiting for him to die. Is that so wrong? Is it wrong that I think we should be doing everything we can to help him get better and have some kind of quality of life? Is it wrong that I think he's pretty lucky to be alive after the doctors gave him a 15 percent chance of beating his cancer and he's still with us, and as far as we know, cancer-free? Is it wrong for me to think we can't stop looking for a way to improve things? Is it wrong for me to believe if they sit around the house and believe that he's dying, then they are absolutely right. Mom told me in so many words tonight that Dad only has 6 months to live. How in the hell do you respond to that. I told her to stop talking so foolish. That probably wasn't the right response. She got mad. I got mad. Dad heard it all and started to cry. Fuck.

So here I am, the avid student of positive thinking. The proponent of remaining calm and loving in the face of challenge. The one who smiles while everyone else is shitting bricks. And I started a fucking fight! Fucking great.

I want to say I couldn't help it, but that's a cop out. But how can I acknowledge something I simply don't believe. They believe he's dying, because that's what's happened to other people when they lose weight after being sick. Well, I say what about those other people who have been sick, lost weight, then got better! I say, what about those people who refuse to believe that death is imminent. I say, what about the people who chose to believe that things can get better if you believe they can. What the hell is wrong with BELIEVING???? Whether you think you can or think you can't, you're right...well, Dad thinks he can't, so I guess he's right.

In my anger and frustration, I decided to leave. I kissed them both, told them I loved them more than anything and I apologized for getting upset. I explained that I am just frustrated because I refuse to believe that Dad is dying. I promised I was not mad and I didn't want to fight. I just wanted to leave before I said something that would really do some damage.

Here's what I believe as strongly as I believe the person I see in the mirror is me. I believe that Dad's problem with his eating is psychological. There is no evidence of anything physiologically wrong. His digestive system doesn't work the way it used to, but there is nothing saying that it's not working. I believe that he has a similar problem to what people have when they are anorexic. No interest, no desire and no taste for food. An absolutely single-minded focus on his weight. To me it's crystal clear. He's depressed and somewhere in his mind there is a fear of eating and a belief that he can never eat again and that he is going to starve to death. He gets on the scales all the time so he can tell people how much he weighs. He talks constantly about how much he weighs, how loose his clothes are, how he doesn't want anyone to see him so thin, how he can't eat this and he can't eat that. And as a student of the law of attraction, I believe that by putting so much attention and focus on being thin, he is drawing more being thin to himself.

So my frustration stems from believing so strongly and not knowing how to share that belief without becoming frustrated. Vicious circle. Like so many times when I was a kid and they were right and I wouldn't listen, I just want to shake them and yell until they listen. They didn't do it to me...I don't suppose I should do it to them. Maybe you learn it over the years as a parent. I'll never know. But I do know this...I need to get better at learning it as I become a parent to my parents. I just want to scream...WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN TO ME!!!...I just feel like I don't want to listen to complaining and talk of dying if no one is doing anything about it!

Well, back to my vow. So, I didn't think a challenge this big would come this soon. I guess when I get my own universe, I can set it up differently. In this one, I have to go with the flow. So I learn from this. I have to turn it into something positive. Oy.

Lesson number one: Don't beat myself up. A year ago...I would have carried around a tonne of guilt over the day's events. I am not going to do that. I apologized from my heart, I know they believe me and understand. I spoke my mind. I have a right. I shouldn't have done it the way I did, but it's over and I can't change it so I have to let it go. Acknowledge, atone, and move on.

Lesson number two: Don't fucking fight with my parents. How childish and stupid. I will learn to listen to their concerns and express mine with more love and understanding. I refuse to change my thinking to theirs, but I don't have to allow theirs to reduce me to anger.

Lesson number three: Ah...who am I kidding...I haven't made it to lesson three yet, but I'll work on it.

What I do know is this, I refuse to mourn my father while he is alive. In spite of my tirade about giving up, I am not giving up. I will do everything I can to help. If I do it wrong, I'll just have to learn from it. Maybe what I want is wrong. Maybe I should just agree and sit and hold his hand til he dies. Maybe I should stop pushing what I believe and go along with what they want. Whatever it takes to do something of value, I'll figure it out and do it the best I can. That's all I can ask of myself.

The bottom line is this. It's still the year of the ANDREA! This year is still going to rock no matter what! It doesn't have to be all bells and whistles to be a great year. I didn't say this is the year of the fun or the year of the party...it's the year of the ANDREA! The year where I improve ME beyond my wildest dreams. If that means learning tough lessons, then so be it. We learn the hard lessons the best. If I am a better person in some way in 360-odd-days, then the year of the ANDREA will be a success...and it will be!

Mirror, mirror...

Tonight was my last regular call with my personal coach, Lisa. The first phase of my coaching program was 12 weekly calls to get started and stay accountable to heading in the right direction. I have 9 months to go, but now it's up to me. 12 weeks ago, that prospect would have given me the vapours! No I'm excited because I know I can do it.



At the first of my program I wrote in this blog that I couldn't wait to look in the mirror in 12 weeks to see if I recognized the person looking back. Oddly it took some thinking to decide if there were any real changed, but with a little thought and reflection, I'm not sure it's the same person at all. So, what's changed?



I have determined my life purpose. Ever ponder that one? It's amazing what a behemoth that is. Think about it...the reason you were put on this planet. Heck, 12 weeks ago I figured I was just dropped here randomly to share as much love as I could and maybe go to a nice place and sleep when it was all over. Now I know what my life's purpose is and I work a little toward it every day. It's incredible!



I have actually written down goals! Another monumental task! The assignment asked for 101...I think I got to 15! But I am amazed at how much closer I feel to these goals not that they are in writing and I can look at them and think of them and be more aware of them should any opportunities come knocking.



The biggest challenge for me was organization and time management. When I first started working on these modules, I never thought I would learn. Guess what! I did! Now, I will never be super-organized or a time-management genius, but the shocking thing is that I am better at both and neither intimidates me now. And I find the less fear they invoke in me, the easier I find them to conquer. I know now that if I get off course on organization or time-management, I just have to regroup and get back on track. I also recognize how much easier my life is and how much less forgetful I am not that I have a plan for each day and I am so much better at staying on track!



My biggest fear in starting this program was my PREVIOUS inability to stick to anything! One of the biggest attractions about this program was the unwillingness of Jack Canfield's people to let me quit. It's simply not an option! Normally by now I would have lost interest, run out of time or found some great rationalization or just a big CAN'T in the middle of the road and thrown my hands up and said, "find, you win, I'm out". The fact that I have made it this far without even thinking about quitting is a huge accomplishment and one that is an enormous lesson in itself.

Conquering goals and changing my mindset along the way have been two of the most amazing accomplishments of my life. I have seen such a shift in my attitude in the past 12 weeks that it's astounding to me. And now that I have overcome some challenges and I have seen how using Jack's methods and philosophies can work for me, I am ready to tackle other challenges. So far I have been focusing on business challenges. In the new year, I intend to hone those skills I have already learned and implemented and to focus them in other directions. Next up is my health. I am committed to setting weight loss and fitness goals in the new year, only this time I have faith it will work because I have a new plan and a new outlook. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time! I am finally learning that it all doesn't have to happen at once. I don't need to rule the world in the next five minutes. Persistence is the key, and I am learning to take baby steps to keep the pressure off myself and exercise that nasty stick-to-itiveness muscle!

So, the girl in the mirror. She looks very much the same but there are some differences. Her eyes are a little brighter, her smile a little more sincere. Some of the edges are smother and she looks kinder and more loving. She looks like the kind of person I would very much like to hug. I may learn to love this girl someday after all.

Put me in Coach!

I suppose this could be considered another slacker update, but I haven't exactly been slack! It's been crazy busy these past weeks...busy but amazing.

I recently learned that even for the most organized person, 3 to 5 major priorities at one time is A LOT...I could fit ALL of my organizational skills under my baby fingernail, and I have three on the go...day job, business and coaching. It's a very good thing time management is one of the major components in my coaching program!

The first two weeks in the program I covered modules on determining a life purpose (more challenging than I thought!). It didn't come to me at first, it's a lot easier said than done, But I scratched something down that I thought would do, and the idea was to keep looking at it and thinking about it until is almost magically transformed itself into something that really spoke to me and matched what's in my heart as my life's purpose. I was a little doubtful that it would happen, but I committed to have faith to this program, so I went with it. Well it happened! How exciting it was when it just popped into my mind! It wasn't even worded quite right, but it was there and it just needed some tweaking...now I have the wording and the intent and it seems to be something perfect for me, and I LOVE it! In fact, I have it typed up with a pretty picture on it, framed and sitting on my night stand so I look at it every day! ever thought about the actual PURPOSE of your life? It's a very humbling exercise.

I have also worked on visualization, meditation and focusing on success instead of failure. I am learning to change my language to change my life. We don't think about it, but the words that come out of our mouths or cross our minds become the way we feel. It's all been very powerful.

This week's module is on time management. OY! I have been reading for many years...before I started school for sure. I've been a broadcaster for the better part of 20 years, and I have many books in my little home library that I have read many times. So I opened this week's assignments assuming I would be able to read them...happens all the time! Guess what...did...not...compute. It could have been written in German and it would have made as much sense to me. I don't even know how to explain it. It was almost as though the words were trying to come off the page but they were only hitting me in the forehead...they were not making it into my brain. I stared blankly at this weeks assignments many times, and nuthin! It was very strange.

One of the many wonderful things about this program is the availability of a coach through a resource line during the week...so I took advantage of it to get some help. My wonderful coach Lisa walked me through the exercises, and without being a bit condescending, she held my hand and explained everything like I was a six year old, and that's exactly how I felt! It worked though and I have since finished my work for this week.

I learned some great lessons this week. Primarily that the hardest lessons are going to be the ones that help me most. Clearly I needed A LOT of help with time management. I have also learned to block out my time. There's nothing wrong with writing "down time" in your planner if you have a hard time keeping things organized like I do. I have to learn to write everything down when I think of it, which means developing the habit of keeping my day timer with me at all times. Sounds simple to some I assume...not so much for me. I lost my damn day timer for two weeks! Mostly because I hadn't found the TIME to unpack my suitcase after my last trip out of town! Yeesh...I have so much to learn.

So far this coaching thing has made some pretty astounding changes in the way I think. I am working on making those changes part of my everyday life. It's definitely challenging and not for the faint of heart. You have to really want to change to open your mind to this stuff. It was the commitment I made to myself and my coach when this all started. I'm only a month in, and I have to work on keeping that commitment every day...but really, anything worth having is worth working for, right.

I want to share one exercise I have started doing every day. It's a little hokey, so read this with an open mind. It's called the "Mirror Exercise". A very scientific name! At the end of each day, I look in a mirror and tell myself how much I appreciate all of the good things I have done that day and talk about all of the successes of the day. It doesn't matter how big or how small. Whether I completed a huge task I have been procrastinating on for weeks or I let someone go in traffic...every positive thing about the day over which I had even the smallest bit of control goes into the mirror. When I am done reviewing the day's successes, I say "I love You" and I go to bed. Give it a try if you feel inspired to do so. You are likely to feel a little silly talking to yourself in the mirror the first couple of times, but after you get the hang of it, I can almost guarantee you will feel more peace in your mind when you go to bed, you will likely sleep better and have more peaceful dreams! It's very powerful!

The times, they are a changin'. Stay tuned for more updates! And thanks for reading!

The slacker's back!

Wow! Where do I start! Things are really happening, and I could not be more excited!

The last month has been extremely busy, hence the lack of posts, but I am about to start making up for lost time! I have just signed up to receive life-coaching from a Jack Canfield certified coach. Jack is the creator of the "Chicken Soup for the Soul" series of books. He also appeared in the "Secret" movie and he has an amazing book and audio set called "The Success Principles: How to get from Where You Are to Where You Want To Be". It's simply incredible. I have listened to the audio set twice! I believe so strongly in his philosophy! I signed up for his news letters and I read his e-mails often. I have subscriptions to many such messages, but I have found Jack Canfield's to be the most powerful for me. Much of what he talks about is taking 100 percent responsibility for your own life and success and happiness. It's certainly easier said than done. We are all so used to looking for something or someone to blame when our lives aren't what they should be. What I am learning is that the only person truly responsible for that is ME!

I am so excited about starting this program. For the first 12 weeks I will speak on the phone with a personal coach once a week and complete assignments. I CANNOT wait to look at myself in the mirror after those 12 weeks. I don't think I am going to recognize myself! It's a year-long program...Imagine what I can accomplish in a whole year!

None of this is to say that I am not terrified! I am...poopin' my drawers, to keep it family friendly... there are so many challenges ahead. A lot of working outside my comfort zone. Doing things and thinking in ways I have never done before. It doesn't sound so hard, but I don't think it's all going to be easy. The biggest challenge for me, and therefore the thing I stand to learn the best will be commitment. We've had the discussion on STICKTOOITIVENESS...I'm not very good at it. I'm much better at jumping in, panicking, and bailing out. But that is the very trait that this program is going to change in me. I am committed to working on this program EVERY DAY for the next 12 months. YIKES! But when I am done, I will be unstoppable! 10 feet tall and bulletproof to say the very least!

I feel like this has come along because of all of the things that have happened and that I have written about in this blog. I won't preach the law of attraction or the power of positive thinking, but I do believe I have brought myself to this "place" because of the changes in my thinking and the paths I have created in my own life by what I keep my mind focused on. One thing leads to another...hmm...you don't say???

I have always believed in my own potential, but I have never had the ambition, knowledge or faith in myself to find it. Sometimes I wonder if I have it now. But one of the most important things about this program is they will not let me fail. I have constant access to coaches and trainers and all the motivation I will need. All I have to do is step up to the plate and use the resources at my fingertips to create the truly great life I believe we are all entitled to and capable of.

Stay tuned! The journey continues!

Staying positive...easier said than done...

After a three month reprieve, it's back to oncology with Dad this week. He had a CT scan a couple of weeks ago, and we get the results Thursday. I'm writing this on Tuesday. It's been a very long day.

I am so blessed to have learned all I have learned in the past months. It's really helping me stay on an even keel. In many ways, I do have a positive attitude about this. I don't believe we are going to get bad news. Denial? Possibly. I hope not.

I hadn't really been dwelling on it at all until I saw my parents yesterday. They both looked pretty terrible. Just so tired. And maybe not physically tired, but certainly emotionally drained. I have been sheltered from much that has gone on in their house in the past months. They put on a great brave face for me. It helps. I have been very much living my life this summer and keeping very, very busy. But I know it's not what it seems. Dad is keeping busy, working around the house and on his car, but I know his mind is going a mile a minute. It always does. And in this case it's not on anything good. He believes he's dying, and I think he has Mom convinced. How horrible for both of them. I have even heard that certain family members have made it clear they don't expect Dad to make it. I would like to have my hands around any of their throats. Some people just don't know how to keep their mouths shut. Fuck you. How could anyone be so thoughtless. Trying to help? I don't think so. Get your head out of your ass, this is not about you.

Mom is so terrified to lose him. He is so convinced it's over that he has started getting rid of things out of the garage. And I can't get past this burning optimism that things are going to be o.k. Even on days like today when I am feeling down and worried, I am still not so convinced. I know there is a possibility there could be bad news in the offing, but there's nothing I can do about it, so I have consciously chosen optimism. Beats the alternative. I have CHOSEN to put myself IN happiness. I think it's the only logical thing to do.

So, tomorrow night, I will rent a silly movie and stay over night with them. A little moral support I hope. Not because I think Dad is dying, but because they do, and I think they need me. I suspect there will be other company. If anyone is coming by out of sympathy and with negative energy, I hope they stay away. I don't want anyone around who isn't positive and joyful. I refuse to mourn the living.

No matter what happens on Thursday, it is going to be a huge transition day in our lives. If the news is good, then we have to learn to move on. Dad needs, in my opinion, to work on his attitude and be grateful for this new chance he has been given rather than sit around and wait for the next bit of bad news. That's not living.

If the news is bad, then we have to get on with the business of dealing with that. We will have to focus on the options and try to accept whatever Dad feels is best. I will want him to do whatever he can to improve his situation whether it means travelling for a second opinion or for treatment. I don't know if that would be a route he would choose. But it's up to him. We'll just have to see how he feels.

I am standing for the possibility that all will be well. It's not as easy as it sounds, but it's all I have. Whether you believe in prayer or positive or healing energy, I ask you to think of us this week. I hope we won't need it, but we'll take what we can get with love and appreciation.

The show must go on!

This weekend, I had the pleasure of taking part in a theatre project that is one of my favourite creative experiences ever! It's called Wingin' It, and it's WILD!

On Friday night, our team and three others of 5 or 6 received a completely random line of text, a completely unrelated prop and 24 hours to write and produce a play for a paying audience! The teams are made up of theatre veterans and newbies alike and the plays are always histerically funny!

I hadn't appeared in a theatre production of any kind in two years. Someday when I'm self-employed and financially free, I'll get back at it...for now it will have to wait! In the meantime, this was the perfect way to get back on stage since it only takes 24 hours to write and stage the play instead of weeks and weeks of intense rehearsal! Of course, without all of that rehearsal, chaos can ensue, but that's the whole fun of it!

Four years ago, when I was "looking for myself" after the end of a horrible relationship, I decided to take a leap and try acting. It's something I always wanted to do, but just never got around to. So I went to an audition...

I was terrified. Yeah...me...terrified! I walked into a room full of people I had never seen before and sat near the middle of the group. I feared if I sat in the front I would appear to eager and end up making an ass of myself, but I wouldn't sit in the back for fear that everyone would be able to see that I was crapping my drawers!

It was an audition for 4 one-act plays, so there were 4 directors with 4 scripts. We all got scripts, and the directors would pick people out of the group to read certain parts. I did what I was told, and did a reasonable job, but man did I blend in. I couldn't believe it. I HATE blending in! I didn't do anything to get any one's attention. While other people were reading their lines, I kept admonishing myself for not doing something outrageous or stunning! I kept telling myself there was no way I could leave that building and let people think I was a mouse. Strange word, huh? Mouse! It's the word that kept running through my mind. Here I was, career broadcaster and self-professed spotlight hound, and I was being mousy!

One of the directors, Scott Thomas (possible genius!) kept telling the group that he wanted to see something over the top. Don't feel you have to sit in your chair and just read the lines, get up and do something to get his attention. But I was crazy glued to my chair being a mouse.

So I listened to all of the other auditions and everyone started shuffling papers and making departing overtures. Scott asked if anyone missed an opportunity to read a part they were interested in. I waited for what seemed like an eternity for someone else to speak up. They didn't. It was now or never, and I could not leave as a mouse. So up goes my hand and I say I want to audition for a part which Scott has already said will go to someone with lots of experience because it had a lot of text and it was very much a lead role! He said thank you and offered me the script.

The dialogue was a woman pitching a completely outrageous plan to a group of potential investors. Some pretty stern prospects at that. So, I grabbed a total stranger from the group, dragged him up to the directors table to use as a prop, and proceeded to address the directors as though they were this group of potential investors. I ranted and raved and did some slightly outlandish things to my poor unsuspecting prop. In short, I made an ass of myself. Guess what...they loved it!

When I left that building, I was floating on a cloud! I was so excited that I took a chance. It didn't matter one bit whether I got the part at the time. I had done what I planned to do. I faced the fear and did it anyway! I stepped outside my comfort zone! I was a friggin' genius! It was one of those moments when I felt like I could really take on the world! Nothing could stop me! WOOHOO!

A few days later, I got a call from the director, Scott. I didn't get THAT part, but I did get a part in his show! I had to sit down I was so excited! Not only did I prove to myself ONCE AGAIN that I can do anything I set my mind to, but it paid off! I had a bonefide part in a play, and I loved it!

In the two following years, I did just about every play I could get my hands on, and had some of the most amazing experiences of my life! I met some wonderful people who will be life-time friends, and I learned a lot about myself. The dedication and hard work it takes to put on a production of any size is enormous! It's something I didn't think I had in me. But passion just takes over, and doesn't leave me a choice. I never begrudged a single rehearsal or a minute of learning my lines. It was a total labour of love.

I have taken two years off from theatre, but now that I have done another show, I definitely have the bug again. When my business reaches a place where I don't have to maintain my day job and I can take the time to work on another show, I'll be back in, up to my ears! I'm addicted and I never want to be in a place where I don't have theatre in my life in some way!

Thanks, Scott! You Rock!