The Year of the Andrea!

I rang in 2010 with a dip in the Bay of Fundy! It was part of a business promotion, but it was more meaningful to me than that. To me it was a was a way to welcome MY year! Because this IS my year. I am going to accomplish more in the next 12 months than I have in the past 41 1/2 years! I have my goals set, my mind in the right place, an incredible support system and the absolute and unwavering desire to make it all happen. My business will flourish, my health and fitness will improve, I will become even more spiritual and self-aware, my relationships will become deeper and more loving. It's the year of the ANDREA! I hope everyone comes along though...there's plenty of room and the weather's fine!

Part of my vow to make this the best year ever is to take the good with the bad. 2009 was one of the most trying years of my life, and it turned into THE most remarkable. I learned more about myself in the past year than I have in any other year or the combined years since 1968! With great determination, hard work, and the grace of the universe, I have changed almost everything in my life. It may not look different to anyone else, but I see it all so differently, that it might just as well be a whole new life on a new planet. Everything has changed, and I could not be more grateful.

My vow is to take even any tragedy or challenge I must face in the next 360-odd-days and turn them into learning experiences. To accept them as they are and use them to my best advantage and become a better person.

The Perfect Plan!

So, today, on the third day of this brilliant new year, I have failed dramatically at my first challenge. I have failed miserably at using all that I have learned to help someone else, because helping other people is what it's all about. But I need to learn it first.

My father has been very ill lately. Primarily because he can't eat and he is losing weight drastically. He's down to 120lbs and fading. The look and taste of food makes him ill. After the second bite he starts to gag. And like any other vehicle with no fuel in the tank, he can't operate. He has no energy. He didn't even get off the couch when I came in the house today. That NEVER happens. So, how do I respond you ask...I got angry. I mean really, really angry. Nice, huh? Not that he didn't get up. Not that he can't eat...but that I just don't feel like they're doing anything about it.

Well, I kept my mouth shut. I went and sat with Dad while Mom put the finishing touches on supper. Then when we went to eat, Dad took a couple of bites then had to leave the table because he was getting sick. Mom and I ate in silence for a few minutes, then all hell broke loose. Now, let me explain that we're not a fighting family like some people. For us, all hell broke loose means there was some loud whispering and maybe a few choice words that would have been better left unsaid. But understand that in our house, that's the shit hitting a really big fan.

The problem for me is this. Mom and Dad believe Dad is dying. I don't. Denial...maybe, but so what. I'll take that over sitting on my hands waiting for him to die. Is that so wrong? Is it wrong that I think we should be doing everything we can to help him get better and have some kind of quality of life? Is it wrong that I think he's pretty lucky to be alive after the doctors gave him a 15 percent chance of beating his cancer and he's still with us, and as far as we know, cancer-free? Is it wrong for me to think we can't stop looking for a way to improve things? Is it wrong for me to believe if they sit around the house and believe that he's dying, then they are absolutely right. Mom told me in so many words tonight that Dad only has 6 months to live. How in the hell do you respond to that. I told her to stop talking so foolish. That probably wasn't the right response. She got mad. I got mad. Dad heard it all and started to cry. Fuck.

So here I am, the avid student of positive thinking. The proponent of remaining calm and loving in the face of challenge. The one who smiles while everyone else is shitting bricks. And I started a fucking fight! Fucking great.

I want to say I couldn't help it, but that's a cop out. But how can I acknowledge something I simply don't believe. They believe he's dying, because that's what's happened to other people when they lose weight after being sick. Well, I say what about those other people who have been sick, lost weight, then got better! I say, what about those people who refuse to believe that death is imminent. I say, what about the people who chose to believe that things can get better if you believe they can. What the hell is wrong with BELIEVING???? Whether you think you can or think you can't, you're right...well, Dad thinks he can't, so I guess he's right.

In my anger and frustration, I decided to leave. I kissed them both, told them I loved them more than anything and I apologized for getting upset. I explained that I am just frustrated because I refuse to believe that Dad is dying. I promised I was not mad and I didn't want to fight. I just wanted to leave before I said something that would really do some damage.

Here's what I believe as strongly as I believe the person I see in the mirror is me. I believe that Dad's problem with his eating is psychological. There is no evidence of anything physiologically wrong. His digestive system doesn't work the way it used to, but there is nothing saying that it's not working. I believe that he has a similar problem to what people have when they are anorexic. No interest, no desire and no taste for food. An absolutely single-minded focus on his weight. To me it's crystal clear. He's depressed and somewhere in his mind there is a fear of eating and a belief that he can never eat again and that he is going to starve to death. He gets on the scales all the time so he can tell people how much he weighs. He talks constantly about how much he weighs, how loose his clothes are, how he doesn't want anyone to see him so thin, how he can't eat this and he can't eat that. And as a student of the law of attraction, I believe that by putting so much attention and focus on being thin, he is drawing more being thin to himself.

So my frustration stems from believing so strongly and not knowing how to share that belief without becoming frustrated. Vicious circle. Like so many times when I was a kid and they were right and I wouldn't listen, I just want to shake them and yell until they listen. They didn't do it to me...I don't suppose I should do it to them. Maybe you learn it over the years as a parent. I'll never know. But I do know this...I need to get better at learning it as I become a parent to my parents. I just want to scream...WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN TO ME!!!...I just feel like I don't want to listen to complaining and talk of dying if no one is doing anything about it!

Well, back to my vow. So, I didn't think a challenge this big would come this soon. I guess when I get my own universe, I can set it up differently. In this one, I have to go with the flow. So I learn from this. I have to turn it into something positive. Oy.

Lesson number one: Don't beat myself up. A year ago...I would have carried around a tonne of guilt over the day's events. I am not going to do that. I apologized from my heart, I know they believe me and understand. I spoke my mind. I have a right. I shouldn't have done it the way I did, but it's over and I can't change it so I have to let it go. Acknowledge, atone, and move on.

Lesson number two: Don't fucking fight with my parents. How childish and stupid. I will learn to listen to their concerns and express mine with more love and understanding. I refuse to change my thinking to theirs, but I don't have to allow theirs to reduce me to anger.

Lesson number three: Ah...who am I kidding...I haven't made it to lesson three yet, but I'll work on it.

What I do know is this, I refuse to mourn my father while he is alive. In spite of my tirade about giving up, I am not giving up. I will do everything I can to help. If I do it wrong, I'll just have to learn from it. Maybe what I want is wrong. Maybe I should just agree and sit and hold his hand til he dies. Maybe I should stop pushing what I believe and go along with what they want. Whatever it takes to do something of value, I'll figure it out and do it the best I can. That's all I can ask of myself.

The bottom line is this. It's still the year of the ANDREA! This year is still going to rock no matter what! It doesn't have to be all bells and whistles to be a great year. I didn't say this is the year of the fun or the year of the party...it's the year of the ANDREA! The year where I improve ME beyond my wildest dreams. If that means learning tough lessons, then so be it. We learn the hard lessons the best. If I am a better person in some way in 360-odd-days, then the year of the ANDREA will be a success...and it will be!