What a difference a day makes!

Until late last week, I was thinking of writing an entry on what a pain in the ass DOUBT is! I was going to get out a thesaurus and come up with as many stupid words as I could that mean the same thing, and talk about what a pain in the ass they all are too.

I've changed my mind...Here's why:

There's no denying we all have doubts - about ourselves, our lives, our jobs, our friends, our futures...and so on and so on. And they're no fun. But what I have learned just in the past few days is how much DOUBT is a part of the learning process. If we didn't have doubt, how would we know when to ask questions?

Last week was filled with doubts. I am nowhere near caught up to where I need to be to feel comfortable moving forward. I still had tonnes of paperwork to do, my taxes, inventory to clean up my Fantasia business and ship back, my house was a disaster (as usual!) I wasn't working my new business, and I was a little short on sleep. Add to all that, I hadn't seen my parents much (I try to make it twice a week, and I usually don't feel like that's enough).

I think at the root of all my doubts was knowing we had to meet with the oncologist on Friday to discuss the results of Dad's latest CT scan and future treatments. All through Dad's illness, I couldn't fight the feeling that things were going to be o.k. On days when he thought it was over, or that things were looking bad, I had what can only be described as an instinct that he was wrong. And almost every time I was right! Kind of nice when DAUGHTER knows best for once! Somehow I didn't have the same confidence in this meeting, and I think that's part of what had me feeling pessimistic about everything else. I was pretty down.

The day of the appointment was really nerve wracking. Among the worst since this all started. I met Mom and Dad in the Oncologists office. Dad looked like a little boy sitting in that chair, so thin, hadn't slept in days and his skin was ashen. Whatever anxiety I was feeling was 100 fold in him. Mom was composed as always, I don't know how she does it.

So, in comes Dr. Reimen (sp?), an angel right here on earth. Seriously, this man is so beautiful. You can almost see his halo. If there is a Heaven, he has a free pass! He sits down and almost immediately tells us the CT scan shows NO cancer!!! Can you friggin' believe that!!! We understand it's not 100% conclusive, but hell, it's good news to a family who's been suffering through this for exactly four months. No treatment, and not even another CT scan until August!

Once again, a visit to the place I hate most in the world changed my life. All of that doubt was gone. I was giddy and talking a mile a minute. I called EVERYONE to tell them! Even people who probably thought I was a little nuts! It really put things into perspective, and I realized that the beginning of all of the changes I am experiencing in my life was the tragedy of Dad's illness. At the tender age of 40, I had been fortunate enough to have never dealt with anything like it before.

Over the weekend, I started reading a new (to me) book by Robin Sharma, and he practically described exactly what happened to me last week. He believes when tragedy hits our lives, it drains us emotionally...we use that phrase all the time, but he explained it in a way I never thought of before. He says that when we are drained emotionally, we are empty and ready to be re-filled. In my case it opened me up to new possibilities. I left every emotion in my soul on the floor of the Saint John Regional Hospital, and what flowed in to replace it was this joy and belief in the future! I don't quite know how that can happen out of the hell we all lived through, but I could not be more grateful! I guess by emptying my soul, I was making room for these wonderful things that were trying to get in before but didn't have room!

Two things happened...I learned that I need doubt to learn, and that gaining a little perspective can make doubts look pretty small and insignificant!

So, bring it on, DOUBT! I'm not afraid of you any more! Try as you like, I will win the battle with you every time!

'Cause I got-to have faith-a, faith-a, faith-ahhh!

I was raised very Catholic. Sunday school, scripture readings, morning and evening prayers...the works. Add in some grace before meals and a dose of Catholic guilt and you've got the picture.

I had very strong faith. As a screwed up teenager (and I do mean SCREWED UP!) I relied on my faith to get me through. It was nothing to see me in church 3 times a week. Sometimes just sitting when there was no mass and thinking, crying or just taking in the feeling of peace I felt just to be inside the walls of God's house. I really loved it. Sometimes I would even choke up reciting the prayers or singing the hymns.

When my marriage ended, my life turned upside-down. And while there was nothing specific in the break-up or subsequent events to shake my faith, it was the beginning of the end. Years of epic failure after my divorce were the main culprit. A string of HORRIBLE relationships with awful men (not all of them...but a few real doozies!), huge dreams that fell through, business opportunities that were colossal mistakes and an overall loss of faith in myself left me void of faith in pretty much everything. In the next 11 years, my life was one stupid mistake after another. I mixed in some pretty amazing accomplishments like marathons and body building, but they didn't last because I had no faith that they would. They were attempts to come up for air in a life that left me feel like I was drowning. I let my mistakes weigh on me, I punished myself relentlessly for the failure of my marriage and I allowed others to take away my identity and self-esteem. By the time I turned 38, I was down to a tiny flame of self-worth and friends and family who never gave up on me. I had let everything else of any importance go. Dreams??? HA They were for shit and I was just going to live the best way I knew how.

I have always missed my faith in God. I have tried to get it back. It never worked. I had started to believe I would just live my life without faith in anything and make the best of it.

About 6 months into my 39th year, I started to wonder if life really could begin at 40. I decided there was no one else who could determine that but me! So I set out to make it happen! First things first...something to celebrate! Last March, I spent 24 days in Africa on Safari and touring Egypt! I would say that takes care of the celebration!

Even though I didn't know how it was going to happen, I wanted 40 to be a new beginning. The first few months went by without anything really happening, and I began to wonder. But guess what...I have found faith! And it's unbelievable!

It's not faith in God, but it's faith in me and my life and my world and my friends, and my family, and my ability to continue this journey to the life I have always wanted. I can't believe what a change it has made in me! Some might equate this to a faith in God...I'm o.k. with that. What ever it is, it's AMAZING! I can't remember ever being so happy, motivated and inspired! And I want everyone around me to feel the same. For years I have heard other people talk about feeling like this, and I didn't think it would ever happen to me. Now I know it can, and if it can happen to me it can happen to everyone! Timing is everything and we never know when it's going to hit, but we have to be open to the possibility! For me, I go back to my originial quote..."when the student is ready, the teacher will arrive". There is wonder and beauty out there just waiting for us to see! Getting to the point where I could see it wasn't easy, but now that I'm here I know it was worth it.

I know I have a long way to go to truly become the person I dream of being. But the fact that I have a dream at all proves to me that it can be done. I know there will be tough days. Days when I will need hands to hold and shoulders to cry on, but knowing they will be there when I need them is a darn fine place to start.

Faith can be what you want it to be. But I believe the faith alone can move mountains! I'm glad mine is back...in spite of the George Michael reference!

Bill Clinton at bedtime

I read slowly.

There are a couple of reasons. Primarily, I am madly in love with words. I love how they sound, I love how they look, I love how they go together to say whatever you want them to. Words rock! So when I'm reading, I love to savour every word!

Also, reading puts me to sleep. Not because it's boring, but because it's relaxing. I love to curl up with the kitties and a good book, read about five pages and doze off. It makes it tough to get through a book in any reasonable time. And considering I have a terrible memory, I sometimes have to work to remember where the story started!

I love biographies.

I think everyone from the most famous to the least known of us has a story. A brilliant story. I have read biographies from Joan Rivers, Christopher Reeves, Nelson Mandella, Benazir Bhutto and many others. The most recent biography I picked up was Bill Clinton, My Life. Bill Clinton is a pretty amazing guy. Set aside the fact that he got a BJ in the oval office from someone other than his wife (I wonder how many presidents of the United States have done that and just never got caught!), he's a brilliant man and he has done amazing thing with his life. One of those things was write a VERY, VERY loooonnnnnnggggg autobiography. Have you lifted this thing??? It weighs a tonne! Hand this book to a slow reader and he/she will have nightmares for a month! I can't tell you how long it took me to read A Long Walk to Freedom by Nelson Mandela...and it was a real page turner. The behemoth by Clinton is a real killer. By the third chapter you know the middle names of everyone he went to elementary school with! If you think I'm kidding, check it out! Don't get me wrong, I'm sure it's a wonderful book, but I don't think I will ever know for sure, because by the time I finish it, I will be too old to remember!

So, as we have already established, I have abandoned biographies (for the time being) in favour of motivational, inspirational, educational and other "al" books which I truly believe are starting to change my life. For one thing, I am getting much less sleep! There is no way I am dozing off in the middle of a story by Robin Sharma...or my latest favourite "7 Simple Steps to end Procrastination" by Tonya Grimes...I know the joke...It must have taken a long time to get around to reading that one!!! Haha! The truth is, once I started, I couldn't stop.

Yesterday, I had an extremely busy day. I was really tired because I had been up reading to late Sunday night and I was really looking forward to getting some sleep. However, since I am trying to stop procrastinating, I stopped to have my car looked at. It's been rattling since I had a new muffler put on two weeks ago. Well, I wasted an hour waiting for my car as it sat in the parking lot completely ignored. Since I also hate wasting time now (yet another new thing for me!) I decided to make an appointment for another time and go home...to sleep! But once I got home I kept finding work to do. Returning e-mails, doing laundry, writing to-do lists so I can stop procrastinating, mostly important things!

When I finally decided to lie down, it was around 6. But by then I had a chill from sitting at my computer for so long and I couldn't sleep. So, up I get again thinking I would fill the tub with some nice aromatherapy salts and super hot water and read in the bath and that would surely put me to sleep. I brought my book...7 Simple Steps..well, you know...and I finished it. Bad idea!

The last chapter of the book is about facing your fears, and fear of failure. It tells a story about a group of kids teaching a friend how to ride a bike. They drag this poor kid up a hill, put him on the bike and give him a push. Of course he falls, so they drag him up the hill and do it again. He continues to fall, but each time he makes it a little farther. Finally, he makes it to the bottom of the hill and TA DA he knows how to ride that bike! What a great analogy in business and in life! And it was a story that really hit home for me. When I was about 6, there was nothing more I wanted in the world than to start school and learn to ride a bike. School would come on it's own, but I was determined to ride that damn bike! So I practiced and I practiced and I nearly beat myself to death on this frikkin bike. I hit my shins on the pedals so many times my poor mother started to worry, but I was determined to conquer that bike. And guess what...I did! I was almost completely black and blue, but even as a child I knew I could win the battle over the bike.

In my new business my fear is of rejection. Network Marketers have made a bad name for themselves over the years by hounding the shit out of people to buy their "stuff". I believe in network marketing. I believe in the relationships I plan to build and I believe in my product. I also believe people are just waiting for me to start with the phone calls, the e-mails and the huge pains in the ass. I believe they are prepared with their rejection lines before they even find out I'm calling to wish them happy birthday. I don't blame them, I used to feel the same. Now I know the difference. The point is, my fear is to contact potential new clients only to have them slam the phone down, say mean things or belittle my efforts and my faith in what I am doing. I have a wonderful story and product to share, and that's all I want to do is share. If people want to join me on my journey, FANTASTIC! If not, It was great to talk to you, let's chat again soon. The end.

So, I finished my book in the tub...devoured every word of the story about the kid and the bike and do you suppose I got a warm fuzzy feeling and curled up with the kitties and had a lovely snooze? Not friggin' likely! I got out of the tub, put on my fuzzy housecoat, dug out a list of contacts and made 14 phone calls! Yep, 14!!! And 13 were receptive and I have now sent them information about my new business! I felt like a friggin' genius! I even called the wonderful Kim to tell her because I couldn't control my excitement and my pride. I certainly didn't love every second of those calls. When I was done, I was emotionally exhausted, but I was also 10 feet tall and bullet proof! Who knows where those calls will lead? It would be nice if they all became friends and clients! But the main thing is, I learned something. I set my mind to it and I got it done. I didn't love it, but it wasn't so bad and I felt amazing when I was done! I can't believe I have been procrastinating on learning not to procrastinate all these years.

I learned something else...I can't read motivational books when I need sleep! Too much adrenaline and motivation...so from now on it's only Bill Clinton at bedtime!

Good Night!

So...Why a blog?

In my search to find the life I have always wanted, I have started reading inspirational and motivational books, and they all say journaling is a way to learn about yourself and grow.

I considered just writing everything in a note book, but who writes anything down anymore? Typing is much more fun. But the real reason I decided on a blog begins with Facebook.

Let's face it, facebook is the DEVIL! I'm also a hopeless addict, so what does that tell you. When I first heard about facebook, I wasn't interested. I thought, big deal, people you haven't spoken to in years can find you. Well, chances are, I'm already in contact with people I WANT to be in contact with, why do I need more people finding me. I was happy being incognito.

Then in June of 2008, I started yet another business venture, and decided facebook would be a good way to network. In my efforts to remain somewhat anonymous, I didn't use my real name! It wasn't a very good pseudonym, and the picture of my smiling face in the top left corner was a dead give away, but it was working. I was gaining recognition for my business and drawing past and future clients to my page to keep in touch.

Meantime, I was gathering a group of personal friends who I contacted to let them know who the mysterious woman who looked just like me was! Then through common friends I added Lynn Casey...Hang on, the relevance is coming...

Lynn and I went to high school together. Our "cliques" were polar opposites from each other. We were never "not" friends, just never buddies. She had a great group of girlfriends, and I was always wrapped up in one boy or another. She was loud, boiserous and FAR more fun than I, so she simply wasn't my type. We were never unfriendly, but we didn't go to many of the same parties!

Well somehow, Lynn and I became friends on facebook. And I discovered she had a blog. Because it was titled "My 100 pound journey" It really caught my eye since I have been on one of those most of my adult life! So I read it...and I laughed my head off. It is funny, touching, inspiring and insightful! I was blown away. I devoured all of the posts and learned alot about Lynn that I never knew. But I also learned how she has taken the over-the-top personality of hers and turned it into a successful business and an increasingly successful life! She has an amazing story to tell, and she tells it exceptionally well.

After reading a post where she reveals that she has become a professional/motivational speaker, I was GREEEEEEN with envy! It's what I have always wanted to do. I can think of nothing more fulfilling to do with one's life than to motivate others! Imagine being the influence that made someone change his/her life! Imagine that words that come from your own mouth and your own heart moving someone to action! Wow!

When I first told Lynn I was following her blog, she told me she hoped to inspire others with her story and that's why she decided to start her blog. She also gave me a "virtual" boot in the ass and told me to get moving on mine!

So there it is. A blog because Lynn said so! Heehee...not really. But I am inspired by what she says. If I can inspire one person by telling my story...WOW...

I am on a journey I never thought I would take. Maybe someone else will consider taking the same journey by reading something I have written. That would be truly spectacular!

And so it begins...

"When the student is ready, the teacher arrives"

I have learned this in the most amazing way in the past few weeks. I have been considering a journal or blog for years, but I have been terrible at getting around to it...as a matter of fact I have been terrible at getting around to lots of things! That's changing, and so it begins...

I'm going to go way out on a limb here and start from the beginning.

I have always believed that greatness, enlightment, inner peace, ect., were for other people. I was just not the type. I'm a get up in the morning (only because I absolutely HAVE to), go to work, come home, watch tv, eat too much, go to bed kind of person. Mixed in with this have been moments of unbelievable adventure! It's a crazy paradox, and it's my life.

Let's see, it started by jetting off to modelling school in Toronto at the tender age of 18 (my poor parents). Along the way I have had many, many jobs. I have tried a zillion things including climbing and repelling, snorkelling, marathon running, competitive body building, starting a number of businesses, zip lining...the list goes on. I took up figure skating at the tender age of 21 and acting at 38! I have been to the Pyramids of Egypt, the Eiffel Tower, on safari in the Serengeti, I have flown with the snowbirds, and I created my own successful self-therapy to cure my arachnophobia! Ask me about that last one someday!

So...All of this fun tossed in with an otherwise normal life has been quite a roller coaster. I have always been in search of something exciting enough to change me into the person I have always wanted to be. I recently wrote that I don't believe great people are made, I believe they are born. I still believe that, only now I believe we are all born great but not all of us live to our full potential. I am officially working on mine.

In October, 2008, I met an amazing woman named Kim Shaw. She offered me a network marketing opportunity, which at the time I didn't take very seriously. It just wasn't my thing. I have been steering clear of network marketing my whole adult life. I tried Kim's product and became interested in learning more. This is not an effort to get anyone to join my team...it's just a way to fill in the space from there to here.

Soon after meeting Kim, I found out my father had Esophageal cancer. I was devastated. I had his eulogy written in my head within hours. Then someone wonderful (Alberta, my bestest bud!) gave me this sage advice...don't mourn him while he is still alive.

On Christmas eve, we learned Dad would be having surgery. It wouldn't be a nice process, but it offered us hope. On January 6th, Dad underwent 8 hours of surgery and came through it with flying colours. After the surgery things went down hill. He had a violent and horrifying case of ICU psychosis which lead to isolation and a paralyzing fear of being left alone. Mom and I spent every waking, and many sleeping moments with him for 9 days in SICU. When he was moved to the floors, he made huge improvements, and after 12 days he was home. 4 days later he aspirated and nearly died. We took him to the hospital where he was admitted and spent the next 5 weeks. Between the aspiration and bilateral pneumonia, we were convinced we were going to lose him. 16 hour days in the hospital watching someone you love more than almost anything nearly die from choking on a nearly hourly basis can sure change your perspective on things.

Ok...so the Reader's Digest version is, Dad is out of the hospital after a total of 50 days and slowly recovering. He will need further treatment, but we are hopeful the improvements will continue. It's been a very long 4 months. I could never have survived without the support of my wonderful friends, especially Alberta and Greg who were there for me any time of the day or night to listen to the good the bad and the ugly. So many other people offered words of encouragement that I could never thank them all personally, but you know who you are!

During all this time, I was receiving e-mails from my new friend Kim. We became wonderful friends, and I am very lucky to have her in my life. I have since joined her business and I am very excited about my future because of it.

I am not only learning about network marketing, but I am learning about me and how to improve my life. I have recently read "The Monk who sold his Ferrari" by Robin Sharma. He is my new guru. I am so inspired by this book and looking forward to reading more of his and others which will help me see my life in a new light. I am learning self discipline, which I NEVER had in any great dose, self-knowledge, the law of attraction and most importantly that in helping others, we help ourselves. I am opening my mind to the possibility...no, the probability that I CAN be great! So, I think I'll give it a whirl! Stay tuned...