What a difference a day makes!

Until late last week, I was thinking of writing an entry on what a pain in the ass DOUBT is! I was going to get out a thesaurus and come up with as many stupid words as I could that mean the same thing, and talk about what a pain in the ass they all are too.

I've changed my mind...Here's why:

There's no denying we all have doubts - about ourselves, our lives, our jobs, our friends, our futures...and so on and so on. And they're no fun. But what I have learned just in the past few days is how much DOUBT is a part of the learning process. If we didn't have doubt, how would we know when to ask questions?

Last week was filled with doubts. I am nowhere near caught up to where I need to be to feel comfortable moving forward. I still had tonnes of paperwork to do, my taxes, inventory to clean up my Fantasia business and ship back, my house was a disaster (as usual!) I wasn't working my new business, and I was a little short on sleep. Add to all that, I hadn't seen my parents much (I try to make it twice a week, and I usually don't feel like that's enough).

I think at the root of all my doubts was knowing we had to meet with the oncologist on Friday to discuss the results of Dad's latest CT scan and future treatments. All through Dad's illness, I couldn't fight the feeling that things were going to be o.k. On days when he thought it was over, or that things were looking bad, I had what can only be described as an instinct that he was wrong. And almost every time I was right! Kind of nice when DAUGHTER knows best for once! Somehow I didn't have the same confidence in this meeting, and I think that's part of what had me feeling pessimistic about everything else. I was pretty down.

The day of the appointment was really nerve wracking. Among the worst since this all started. I met Mom and Dad in the Oncologists office. Dad looked like a little boy sitting in that chair, so thin, hadn't slept in days and his skin was ashen. Whatever anxiety I was feeling was 100 fold in him. Mom was composed as always, I don't know how she does it.

So, in comes Dr. Reimen (sp?), an angel right here on earth. Seriously, this man is so beautiful. You can almost see his halo. If there is a Heaven, he has a free pass! He sits down and almost immediately tells us the CT scan shows NO cancer!!! Can you friggin' believe that!!! We understand it's not 100% conclusive, but hell, it's good news to a family who's been suffering through this for exactly four months. No treatment, and not even another CT scan until August!

Once again, a visit to the place I hate most in the world changed my life. All of that doubt was gone. I was giddy and talking a mile a minute. I called EVERYONE to tell them! Even people who probably thought I was a little nuts! It really put things into perspective, and I realized that the beginning of all of the changes I am experiencing in my life was the tragedy of Dad's illness. At the tender age of 40, I had been fortunate enough to have never dealt with anything like it before.

Over the weekend, I started reading a new (to me) book by Robin Sharma, and he practically described exactly what happened to me last week. He believes when tragedy hits our lives, it drains us emotionally...we use that phrase all the time, but he explained it in a way I never thought of before. He says that when we are drained emotionally, we are empty and ready to be re-filled. In my case it opened me up to new possibilities. I left every emotion in my soul on the floor of the Saint John Regional Hospital, and what flowed in to replace it was this joy and belief in the future! I don't quite know how that can happen out of the hell we all lived through, but I could not be more grateful! I guess by emptying my soul, I was making room for these wonderful things that were trying to get in before but didn't have room!

Two things happened...I learned that I need doubt to learn, and that gaining a little perspective can make doubts look pretty small and insignificant!

So, bring it on, DOUBT! I'm not afraid of you any more! Try as you like, I will win the battle with you every time!