The truth will set me free??? Are you sure???

This is something I have been thinking about doing since I started writing a blog, but it's going to be very painful. I'm going to tell the truth. Don't get your hopes up...I'm not about to say I am really a man or that I'm from an other planet! I'm going to talk about my weight. Ugh!

Talking about weight is never fun when you have to much of it. When I was thin, I loved to talk about it...ALL THE TIME!!! Not so much anymore. The nicest thing anyone has ever called me was "skinny bitch"...that was back in my body building days when people would also tell me I should consider eating a hamburger once in a while. I often wonder if those same people see me now and think "enough with the hamburgers already!"

I'm procrastinating, but I'll get to it.

When I went away to modelling school at 18, I went on a crazy crash diet where I ate only green stuff and water for weeks to get down to 118 lbs. I was still considered a little chubby for a model, but it was a start! Jeez...

When I came home from modelling school, I packed on a few lbs, and when I got married in 1991, I weighed 150lbs.

The next thing I remember was ballooning up to 180 or so...then I moved to Calgary in 2000 and went down to 150 again.

Then I came home and went up to about 197. Then I went into body building and marathon running at the same time and slimmed down to a very muscular 137.

I maintained for about a year and I was very happy. So happy in fact, that I started eating in the spring of 2005 and I haven't stopped yet.

Are you read for it...it's coming up.

The only thing that's giving me the courage to put my current weight out there for all to see is that other things I have written in this blog have really empowered me. Also it will make me accountable, and maybe it will help someone else realize it might be time to take a long hard look in the mirror.

So here it is...my current weight...aw jeez...who's idea was this anyway...all right...here goes...

247.5lbs

...........O.K...while I catch my breath and recover from that, perhaps you would like to take a moment to consider how much that hurt. Consider jabbing a sharp pencil into your left eye. That should about cover it...

That was horrible, and not entirely liberating, but there are reasons I wanted to record that horror here.

First, I am getting on track to reverse the damage. My health, besides my weight is perfect, blood pressure, cholesterol, blood sugars...all PERFECT! (thank you HEALTHY CHOCOLATE...yes, that was a shameless plug) Now I am tackling this weight thing head on. I want my record of my weight here not to terrorize me, but to motivate me to make sure the next time I post it for all the world to see, I have good news!

Also, I want to look at it as just a number, and surely a silly number isn't going to win the battle against the newly improved me??? Nooohhooohhhooooo....

I realize there are much worse things I could be dealing with in my life than weight issues. Illness of any number of varieties, the death of a loved one, poverty, hunger...the list really does go on. But let's face it, millions of us are fighting the fat battle, and it sucks.

I talk about my weight incessantly. I always bring it up, make a joke, ask if I should go into that store because I doubt they sell MY size, complain that I have trouble painting my own toe nails. Is that some silly defense mechanism? I assume so. But boy, how dumb is that. I'm pretty sure you just have to look at me to be aware that I'm not missing many meals.

Do I hate to post my weight here because I think someone is going to see it and say, "heavens, she IS big. I liked her so much more when she was thin".

Do I think the wonderful man in my life is going to stop loving me because there's an ugly number written on this page. He has seen me at my best and my worst and he loves me no matter what. I'm a lucky girl.

Urghhhh...so what's the deal??? Why do I feel like the ugliest girl in the room even when I'm all dolled up and looking my best? Why do I assume people are going to like my thinner friends more than they'll like me? Why do I assume I am viewed like an ogre when I'm in a group of smaller people? Why does a woman with my talents, personality and love of life allow weight to cast such an ugly shadow over it all???? Why on earth do I either run from people who knew me as a smaller person, or sweat like the pig that knows he's dinner when I have no choice but to talk to those people? Why do I think an invitation to a pool party is like an invitation to a firing squad??? Why, why, why??? And the biggest why...WHY ON EARTH DO I CONTINUE TO EAT LIKE IT'S A CURE FOR FAT!!!????

So there it is. The ugly truth. Believe me, that was not fun. But in six months when I look back at this post, I will see where I was and how far I have come (or not?) and use it as a reference. The hope is that putting this all in writing will help to ensure that after those six months I will be able to say it worked.

So many other things are changing in my life. I am involved in wonderful things! I have so many things to be grateful for. My new plan is to focus on those things, and try to let my weight take care of itself. The law of attraction would say, "no wonder you're fat, dummy...it's all you focus on!" So watch out, fat...you're next!