I need a bigger wagon!

I am off the wagon this week, and I am not happy about it. And I don't just mean the eating wagon...although I am off that one too. I am off the self-discipline wagon, the positive thinking wagon, the staying on purpose wagon...I need seat belts on these things!

I think it all stems from a big disappointment this week. There is a huge event this week that I have to miss. I am missing it for a very, VERY good reason, but I can't seem to get my head out of my butt about it. And I am letting it get me down, in spite of my better judgement.

The event I am missing is for my business. It's something really important. Something I have been working toward and looking forward too. Not once in a lifetime, but once in a long time. But here's my reason...and once I write it down, you're going to say..."get your head out of your butt"...and I promise I am trying. Really.

Since my father's illness this past winter, he has developed an almost-paralyzing fear of being alone. Sadly, in spite of enormous improvements in his health, he is convinced of his imminent death, and loathes being along. Even if Mom is in the house, but in another room, Dad will say, "it's pretty lonely in here" and Mom will go sit with him and keep him company.

The other half of the story is that Mom has been going to "girls camp" with her friends for a week EVERY summer for more than 30 years. This year she doesn't even want to go for the whole week because she doesn't want to be away from Dad. But a couple of weeks ago she excitedly told me she did want to go for one night for a special theme dinner. She and a few of her friends will prepare a Hawaiian themed dinner, they'll dress in crazy costumes, play funny music and dance and laugh like crazy. In every past year I can remember, Mom has come home from "girls camp" with no voice from laughing and being silly until all hours every night for a whole week! She looks forward to it all year.

When she first told me she was going for one night, I was so excited for her, and immediately offered to "dad-sit" so she could stay at the camp overnight...as long as is wasn't this one important night on which I wasn't available. I think you can guess the rest...it's THE night. I originally said I couldn't do it, and Mom was completely fine with that. I wasn't. I was miserable for the next few hours, then realized how completely ridiculous I was being. I decided to give up my night so Mom could have hers. Don't get me wrong...this is not great martyr act. I have lots of "MY" nights in the past several months. Mom has none. I think it's pretty much high time I took some of the load. And I DO NOT regret my decision.

The problem is, while consciously I am looking at this as a chance to celebrate Dad's life, I can't seem to stop with the cloud over my head this week. It hasn't been that long since I didn't think Dad would live to see this day, let alone want to spend it with me. I am so grateful for his life and his improved health! So why can't I stop with the selfish feelings and just experience the joy that comes with having him in my life.

So I have let all this manifest itself to all this wagon abandonment. I've had two hamburgers this week, and it's only Tuesday...And that's not all...but I am not confessing to any more! I have given up control over my self-discipline (which I had been doing so well with) and I have become pretty lazy. I am trying to turn it into a lesson, and I at least think I am being successful with that.

First: I don't like feeling this way, so once I get myself out of this slump, I will try to remember why I don't like being here.

Second: I am trying to remind myself of all the self-righteous things I would say to other people if they came to me with the same problems. It kind of makes me want to have an out-of-body experience just long enough to see myself fall and chip a tooth! :)

Third: With every disappointment there is an opportunity. I have many here. I can remind myself that my family is more important than anything.

Fourth: I can use it to keep me from taking Dad's health for granted. I don't see him every day, so I don't know the challenges he still faces, so I forget there are still many. I will try to use the day to become more compassionate and look for more opportunities to help him cope.

This is a great reminder for me that it's all part of the journey. My life is so wonderful...It's never been better, but it can never be perfect. Without challenge there can be no growth. It's been Dad who's told me all my life that anything worth having is worth working for. I am grateful for my positive attitude and outlook, but it can't always come naturally. This is a small challenge. My commitment to myself is to turn it into something good, stop my stupid pouting and be ever-grateful that I get to spend a wonderful day with my wonderful father.

Life begins when you want it to!

So, I have survived my 41st year. I had planned to write this on the eve of my 41st birthday, but I was in Reno having a little too much fun. But I have been reflecting since; birthdays will do that...especially the ones after 40!

Does life really begin at 40? It did for me in many ways, but for heavens' sake, don't wait if you're not already there. My mom always says, " You can't always wait for your ship to come in, sometimes you have to swim out and meet it!" I have done a lot of swimming in the past year. And a lot of treading water. The bottom line is, here I am, and I have never been happier or felt more in control of my life. Here's what's different:

I have opened up my eyes and my mind. I was raised to do what "normal" people do, think what "normal" people think...just be normal! I have been rebelling against that all my life, but now I know what it really means not to settle for normal. It doesn't just mean having spiky green hair and tattoos or listening to crazy music or dancing in the mall if I feel like it...although those are all great things if they make you happy! It means looking at life in ways that other people may think is a little outside the box. It's taking action no matter what other people think. It's taking risks even though there have been epic failures in the past. It's focusing on what you want and going for it even if people think it's crazy. I'm crazy like a fox, baby...If you're not with me, I'll call you when I get there! I must warn you though, you'll be jealous!

I have learned I will never live vicariously through anyone...EVER! People have been living vicariously through me on some level for years and years. I had retreated to a place where I thought I would have to do the same some day. I thought, well, I'm getting a little older, time to let someone else to all the crazy stuff. No way, Jose! I vow to only live vicariously through MYSELF! So some of the crazy stuff isn't as important any more...I just plan to do new crazy stuff. Priorities change, the desire to take risks and live on the edge doesn't. I have always believed if I wasn't living on the edge I was taking up too much space. Well, the edge is just in a different place now!

I think about my mortality more often...not in an "Oh my gosh I'm going to die" kind of way, but a "Have I done what I want to" kind of way. I think more about what I want to accomplish with my life. I think about the failures sometimes, but ONLY to remind myself that I have been fortunate that my eyes have opened and I can change things. It's a little like a second chance at life, and I plan to do it up right this time!

I try to love more. I always considered myself affectionate, but I am turning it up a notch. Imagine if the people you loved went around not knowing about it!!! How awful! I take more time to share affection and love now. I tell the people I love that I love them more often. I hug more and touch more. I look into people's eyes more and the things I see are truly amazing!

I actually used to think, "why try to pack so much into life...I'm just going to die anyway"...boy was that the lazy way out! I don't want to get to the end of this beautiful life and wonder why I didn't try to do more. I want to be able to spend my time counting my blessings not my regrets. I want to smile and give thanks for all of the things I have experienced and all the people I have loved. Let's face it, we don't know what comes next...may as well make this shot the best, just in case! :)

I have learned to dream again. I used to be a HUGE dreamer...but I let failure take all of that away. I know I can do anything, I have proven it to myself many times, I just needed to start believing it again. As I write this, I am looking at a digital picture frame on my desk which is scrolling pictures of my trip to Africa. That was a dream so huge that when I was in Egypt someone asked me where I wanted my next big trip to be and I almost said Egypt! I was there and I didn't even believe it! My dreams get bigger every day and I love it!

Life is so precious. I have been blessed with 41 years of it. Here's to 41 more and everything I can possibly squeeze into it!