I need a bigger wagon!

I am off the wagon this week, and I am not happy about it. And I don't just mean the eating wagon...although I am off that one too. I am off the self-discipline wagon, the positive thinking wagon, the staying on purpose wagon...I need seat belts on these things!

I think it all stems from a big disappointment this week. There is a huge event this week that I have to miss. I am missing it for a very, VERY good reason, but I can't seem to get my head out of my butt about it. And I am letting it get me down, in spite of my better judgement.

The event I am missing is for my business. It's something really important. Something I have been working toward and looking forward too. Not once in a lifetime, but once in a long time. But here's my reason...and once I write it down, you're going to say..."get your head out of your butt"...and I promise I am trying. Really.

Since my father's illness this past winter, he has developed an almost-paralyzing fear of being alone. Sadly, in spite of enormous improvements in his health, he is convinced of his imminent death, and loathes being along. Even if Mom is in the house, but in another room, Dad will say, "it's pretty lonely in here" and Mom will go sit with him and keep him company.

The other half of the story is that Mom has been going to "girls camp" with her friends for a week EVERY summer for more than 30 years. This year she doesn't even want to go for the whole week because she doesn't want to be away from Dad. But a couple of weeks ago she excitedly told me she did want to go for one night for a special theme dinner. She and a few of her friends will prepare a Hawaiian themed dinner, they'll dress in crazy costumes, play funny music and dance and laugh like crazy. In every past year I can remember, Mom has come home from "girls camp" with no voice from laughing and being silly until all hours every night for a whole week! She looks forward to it all year.

When she first told me she was going for one night, I was so excited for her, and immediately offered to "dad-sit" so she could stay at the camp overnight...as long as is wasn't this one important night on which I wasn't available. I think you can guess the rest...it's THE night. I originally said I couldn't do it, and Mom was completely fine with that. I wasn't. I was miserable for the next few hours, then realized how completely ridiculous I was being. I decided to give up my night so Mom could have hers. Don't get me wrong...this is not great martyr act. I have lots of "MY" nights in the past several months. Mom has none. I think it's pretty much high time I took some of the load. And I DO NOT regret my decision.

The problem is, while consciously I am looking at this as a chance to celebrate Dad's life, I can't seem to stop with the cloud over my head this week. It hasn't been that long since I didn't think Dad would live to see this day, let alone want to spend it with me. I am so grateful for his life and his improved health! So why can't I stop with the selfish feelings and just experience the joy that comes with having him in my life.

So I have let all this manifest itself to all this wagon abandonment. I've had two hamburgers this week, and it's only Tuesday...And that's not all...but I am not confessing to any more! I have given up control over my self-discipline (which I had been doing so well with) and I have become pretty lazy. I am trying to turn it into a lesson, and I at least think I am being successful with that.

First: I don't like feeling this way, so once I get myself out of this slump, I will try to remember why I don't like being here.

Second: I am trying to remind myself of all the self-righteous things I would say to other people if they came to me with the same problems. It kind of makes me want to have an out-of-body experience just long enough to see myself fall and chip a tooth! :)

Third: With every disappointment there is an opportunity. I have many here. I can remind myself that my family is more important than anything.

Fourth: I can use it to keep me from taking Dad's health for granted. I don't see him every day, so I don't know the challenges he still faces, so I forget there are still many. I will try to use the day to become more compassionate and look for more opportunities to help him cope.

This is a great reminder for me that it's all part of the journey. My life is so wonderful...It's never been better, but it can never be perfect. Without challenge there can be no growth. It's been Dad who's told me all my life that anything worth having is worth working for. I am grateful for my positive attitude and outlook, but it can't always come naturally. This is a small challenge. My commitment to myself is to turn it into something good, stop my stupid pouting and be ever-grateful that I get to spend a wonderful day with my wonderful father.