After a three month reprieve, it's back to oncology with Dad this week. He had a CT scan a couple of weeks ago, and we get the results Thursday. I'm writing this on Tuesday. It's been a very long day.
I am so blessed to have learned all I have learned in the past months. It's really helping me stay on an even keel. In many ways, I do have a positive attitude about this. I don't believe we are going to get bad news. Denial? Possibly. I hope not.
I hadn't really been dwelling on it at all until I saw my parents yesterday. They both looked pretty terrible. Just so tired. And maybe not physically tired, but certainly emotionally drained. I have been sheltered from much that has gone on in their house in the past months. They put on a great brave face for me. It helps. I have been very much living my life this summer and keeping very, very busy. But I know it's not what it seems. Dad is keeping busy, working around the house and on his car, but I know his mind is going a mile a minute. It always does. And in this case it's not on anything good. He believes he's dying, and I think he has Mom convinced. How horrible for both of them. I have even heard that certain family members have made it clear they don't expect Dad to make it. I would like to have my hands around any of their throats. Some people just don't know how to keep their mouths shut. Fuck you. How could anyone be so thoughtless. Trying to help? I don't think so. Get your head out of your ass, this is not about you.
Mom is so terrified to lose him. He is so convinced it's over that he has started getting rid of things out of the garage. And I can't get past this burning optimism that things are going to be o.k. Even on days like today when I am feeling down and worried, I am still not so convinced. I know there is a possibility there could be bad news in the offing, but there's nothing I can do about it, so I have consciously chosen optimism. Beats the alternative. I have CHOSEN to put myself IN happiness. I think it's the only logical thing to do.
So, tomorrow night, I will rent a silly movie and stay over night with them. A little moral support I hope. Not because I think Dad is dying, but because they do, and I think they need me. I suspect there will be other company. If anyone is coming by out of sympathy and with negative energy, I hope they stay away. I don't want anyone around who isn't positive and joyful. I refuse to mourn the living.
No matter what happens on Thursday, it is going to be a huge transition day in our lives. If the news is good, then we have to learn to move on. Dad needs, in my opinion, to work on his attitude and be grateful for this new chance he has been given rather than sit around and wait for the next bit of bad news. That's not living.
If the news is bad, then we have to get on with the business of dealing with that. We will have to focus on the options and try to accept whatever Dad feels is best. I will want him to do whatever he can to improve his situation whether it means travelling for a second opinion or for treatment. I don't know if that would be a route he would choose. But it's up to him. We'll just have to see how he feels.
I am standing for the possibility that all will be well. It's not as easy as it sounds, but it's all I have. Whether you believe in prayer or positive or healing energy, I ask you to think of us this week. I hope we won't need it, but we'll take what we can get with love and appreciation.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
The show must go on!
This weekend, I had the pleasure of taking part in a theatre project that is one of my favourite creative experiences ever! It's called Wingin' It, and it's WILD!
On Friday night, our team and three others of 5 or 6 received a completely random line of text, a completely unrelated prop and 24 hours to write and produce a play for a paying audience! The teams are made up of theatre veterans and newbies alike and the plays are always histerically funny!
I hadn't appeared in a theatre production of any kind in two years. Someday when I'm self-employed and financially free, I'll get back at it...for now it will have to wait! In the meantime, this was the perfect way to get back on stage since it only takes 24 hours to write and stage the play instead of weeks and weeks of intense rehearsal! Of course, without all of that rehearsal, chaos can ensue, but that's the whole fun of it!
Four years ago, when I was "looking for myself" after the end of a horrible relationship, I decided to take a leap and try acting. It's something I always wanted to do, but just never got around to. So I went to an audition...
I was terrified. Yeah...me...terrified! I walked into a room full of people I had never seen before and sat near the middle of the group. I feared if I sat in the front I would appear to eager and end up making an ass of myself, but I wouldn't sit in the back for fear that everyone would be able to see that I was crapping my drawers!
It was an audition for 4 one-act plays, so there were 4 directors with 4 scripts. We all got scripts, and the directors would pick people out of the group to read certain parts. I did what I was told, and did a reasonable job, but man did I blend in. I couldn't believe it. I HATE blending in! I didn't do anything to get any one's attention. While other people were reading their lines, I kept admonishing myself for not doing something outrageous or stunning! I kept telling myself there was no way I could leave that building and let people think I was a mouse. Strange word, huh? Mouse! It's the word that kept running through my mind. Here I was, career broadcaster and self-professed spotlight hound, and I was being mousy!
One of the directors, Scott Thomas (possible genius!) kept telling the group that he wanted to see something over the top. Don't feel you have to sit in your chair and just read the lines, get up and do something to get his attention. But I was crazy glued to my chair being a mouse.
So I listened to all of the other auditions and everyone started shuffling papers and making departing overtures. Scott asked if anyone missed an opportunity to read a part they were interested in. I waited for what seemed like an eternity for someone else to speak up. They didn't. It was now or never, and I could not leave as a mouse. So up goes my hand and I say I want to audition for a part which Scott has already said will go to someone with lots of experience because it had a lot of text and it was very much a lead role! He said thank you and offered me the script.
The dialogue was a woman pitching a completely outrageous plan to a group of potential investors. Some pretty stern prospects at that. So, I grabbed a total stranger from the group, dragged him up to the directors table to use as a prop, and proceeded to address the directors as though they were this group of potential investors. I ranted and raved and did some slightly outlandish things to my poor unsuspecting prop. In short, I made an ass of myself. Guess what...they loved it!
When I left that building, I was floating on a cloud! I was so excited that I took a chance. It didn't matter one bit whether I got the part at the time. I had done what I planned to do. I faced the fear and did it anyway! I stepped outside my comfort zone! I was a friggin' genius! It was one of those moments when I felt like I could really take on the world! Nothing could stop me! WOOHOO!
A few days later, I got a call from the director, Scott. I didn't get THAT part, but I did get a part in his show! I had to sit down I was so excited! Not only did I prove to myself ONCE AGAIN that I can do anything I set my mind to, but it paid off! I had a bonefide part in a play, and I loved it!
In the two following years, I did just about every play I could get my hands on, and had some of the most amazing experiences of my life! I met some wonderful people who will be life-time friends, and I learned a lot about myself. The dedication and hard work it takes to put on a production of any size is enormous! It's something I didn't think I had in me. But passion just takes over, and doesn't leave me a choice. I never begrudged a single rehearsal or a minute of learning my lines. It was a total labour of love.
I have taken two years off from theatre, but now that I have done another show, I definitely have the bug again. When my business reaches a place where I don't have to maintain my day job and I can take the time to work on another show, I'll be back in, up to my ears! I'm addicted and I never want to be in a place where I don't have theatre in my life in some way!
Thanks, Scott! You Rock!
On Friday night, our team and three others of 5 or 6 received a completely random line of text, a completely unrelated prop and 24 hours to write and produce a play for a paying audience! The teams are made up of theatre veterans and newbies alike and the plays are always histerically funny!
I hadn't appeared in a theatre production of any kind in two years. Someday when I'm self-employed and financially free, I'll get back at it...for now it will have to wait! In the meantime, this was the perfect way to get back on stage since it only takes 24 hours to write and stage the play instead of weeks and weeks of intense rehearsal! Of course, without all of that rehearsal, chaos can ensue, but that's the whole fun of it!
Four years ago, when I was "looking for myself" after the end of a horrible relationship, I decided to take a leap and try acting. It's something I always wanted to do, but just never got around to. So I went to an audition...
I was terrified. Yeah...me...terrified! I walked into a room full of people I had never seen before and sat near the middle of the group. I feared if I sat in the front I would appear to eager and end up making an ass of myself, but I wouldn't sit in the back for fear that everyone would be able to see that I was crapping my drawers!
It was an audition for 4 one-act plays, so there were 4 directors with 4 scripts. We all got scripts, and the directors would pick people out of the group to read certain parts. I did what I was told, and did a reasonable job, but man did I blend in. I couldn't believe it. I HATE blending in! I didn't do anything to get any one's attention. While other people were reading their lines, I kept admonishing myself for not doing something outrageous or stunning! I kept telling myself there was no way I could leave that building and let people think I was a mouse. Strange word, huh? Mouse! It's the word that kept running through my mind. Here I was, career broadcaster and self-professed spotlight hound, and I was being mousy!
One of the directors, Scott Thomas (possible genius!) kept telling the group that he wanted to see something over the top. Don't feel you have to sit in your chair and just read the lines, get up and do something to get his attention. But I was crazy glued to my chair being a mouse.
So I listened to all of the other auditions and everyone started shuffling papers and making departing overtures. Scott asked if anyone missed an opportunity to read a part they were interested in. I waited for what seemed like an eternity for someone else to speak up. They didn't. It was now or never, and I could not leave as a mouse. So up goes my hand and I say I want to audition for a part which Scott has already said will go to someone with lots of experience because it had a lot of text and it was very much a lead role! He said thank you and offered me the script.
The dialogue was a woman pitching a completely outrageous plan to a group of potential investors. Some pretty stern prospects at that. So, I grabbed a total stranger from the group, dragged him up to the directors table to use as a prop, and proceeded to address the directors as though they were this group of potential investors. I ranted and raved and did some slightly outlandish things to my poor unsuspecting prop. In short, I made an ass of myself. Guess what...they loved it!
When I left that building, I was floating on a cloud! I was so excited that I took a chance. It didn't matter one bit whether I got the part at the time. I had done what I planned to do. I faced the fear and did it anyway! I stepped outside my comfort zone! I was a friggin' genius! It was one of those moments when I felt like I could really take on the world! Nothing could stop me! WOOHOO!
A few days later, I got a call from the director, Scott. I didn't get THAT part, but I did get a part in his show! I had to sit down I was so excited! Not only did I prove to myself ONCE AGAIN that I can do anything I set my mind to, but it paid off! I had a bonefide part in a play, and I loved it!
In the two following years, I did just about every play I could get my hands on, and had some of the most amazing experiences of my life! I met some wonderful people who will be life-time friends, and I learned a lot about myself. The dedication and hard work it takes to put on a production of any size is enormous! It's something I didn't think I had in me. But passion just takes over, and doesn't leave me a choice. I never begrudged a single rehearsal or a minute of learning my lines. It was a total labour of love.
I have taken two years off from theatre, but now that I have done another show, I definitely have the bug again. When my business reaches a place where I don't have to maintain my day job and I can take the time to work on another show, I'll be back in, up to my ears! I'm addicted and I never want to be in a place where I don't have theatre in my life in some way!
Thanks, Scott! You Rock!
Monday, August 3, 2009
Feel the Fear and do it Anyway!
Let's face it. One of the biggest things we have to deal with in life is fear. We all have fear of something. Many fears are irrational, but that doesn't make them less real. I have learned that facing fears is one of the most uplifting things in the world. I want to share my story.
I have been a textbook arachnophobic for as long as I can remember. I don't recall a specific event that made me deathly afraid of spiders...just that I have been terrified of them for "ever"!.
I have never traveled to a tropical place for fear of running into a spider. I couldn't even look at pictures of spiders! I have been "locked" out of my own house by a spider on a web near my door! I couldn't pass in fear that it would some how end up either following me in the house or landing on me on the way by. I was ALWAYS on the look out for spiders lest I walk into one or have it fall on me. I hated summer, and I LOATHED fall, because that's when they are actually out at their worst. It's like they eat mice all summer or something, then come out in the fall when they weigh about 2lbs! I was a serious spider freak!!! I'm sure you're starting to catch the drift!
So...when I decided to go to Africa, I thought it might be time to get over this spider thing. I wouldn't have been able to relax and enjoy my trip if I had been worrying about spiders the whole time.
About 7 months before I left, I had one of my co-workers e-mail me a picture of an average garden spider. I couldn't find the picture of one myself because I was too afraid of googling "spider". When the picture arrived in my inbox, I pushed myself as far away from my computer as I could and still be able to reach the mouse. I opened the picture and sat with my hand over my eyes until someone finally offered to close the picture for me. It was awful. But after about 10 minutes of whining with my back to the screen, I finally held a co-workers hand and took a quick peek.
I could tell this story for days, but I think you're getting the picture. Over the next several weeks, I had the same friend e-mail me progressively bigger and grosser spiders, and I would look at them as many times a day as I could stand. By the end of most days, I was completely grossed out. I was emotionally exhausted from being grossed out. It was gross!
Finally after several weeks, I went to videos. The still photo was getting pretty easy to look at, but a moving arachnid was going to be a different story. I did the same thing with the videos...every day until I was completely drained.
Then after about 6 weeks, I made an appointment with a formerly phobic friend who really understood what I was going through. We met at a pet store and my friend went to ask the clerk to bring out a tarantula. I stood with my back pressed to the door of the pet store, hyperventilating and crying. When the clerk had the spider in place (in what looked like a Tupperware container, in a separate room with a big window) my friend waved me up the isle. I started to cry worse, in fact I was hyperventilating and sobbing loudly as I walked up the isle. I must have looked like I was getting weak, because my friend put out his hand to steady me. I bet he's sorry he did that. I grabbed his hand, and never let go until it was time to leave the store.
When I got to the window, there it was. An enormous, grey, hairy spider inside this container. The only thing that saved me was shear determination (and the gecko and the cute kitty that were in the same room that I kept averting my gaze toward!). I was in spider hell! But I wasn't giving up. I wish I could have been a fly on the wall for this. I cried almost the whole time. I talked to the spider (I don't think I said nice things) and I would not leave until I was good and ready. I kept telling that spider that he wasn't going to win this battle. My friend kept telling me we could leave, and I kept saying no. I was going to win if it killed me. I suspect it nearly did!
After about 10 minutes, I decided I was ready to leave. I have to admit, I have never been so happy to leave a single spot in my whole life. But I have also never been more proud, elated, excited, uplifted...GET A THESAURUS...I NEED TO GO ON!!! It was the greatest accomplishment of my entire life. I felt like I was 10 feet tall. I was shaking and soaked in sweat and my face was a mess from all the crying, but I was, at that moment, the greatest person who ever lived!!! HAHA! Take that spider! HA!
I am proud to say that spiders only even crossed my mind a few times while I was in Africa, and I didn't see even one!
Don't get me wrong, I don't love spiders now. And occasionally I get stuck behind a glass door because there's a big juicy one on the outside and I can't get by. But, I can take matters into my hands most of the time now. I still brag about it almost daily!
Believe me. If I can get over this, there is no fear that cannot be conquered. I try to remind myself of this any time I am feeling like I can't defeat something...anything. It just takes determination, focus, a big ole' set of kahunas, and some supportive friends. In this case, I was very fortunate to have all of these things.
I have been a textbook arachnophobic for as long as I can remember. I don't recall a specific event that made me deathly afraid of spiders...just that I have been terrified of them for "ever"!.
I have never traveled to a tropical place for fear of running into a spider. I couldn't even look at pictures of spiders! I have been "locked" out of my own house by a spider on a web near my door! I couldn't pass in fear that it would some how end up either following me in the house or landing on me on the way by. I was ALWAYS on the look out for spiders lest I walk into one or have it fall on me. I hated summer, and I LOATHED fall, because that's when they are actually out at their worst. It's like they eat mice all summer or something, then come out in the fall when they weigh about 2lbs! I was a serious spider freak!!! I'm sure you're starting to catch the drift!
So...when I decided to go to Africa, I thought it might be time to get over this spider thing. I wouldn't have been able to relax and enjoy my trip if I had been worrying about spiders the whole time.
About 7 months before I left, I had one of my co-workers e-mail me a picture of an average garden spider. I couldn't find the picture of one myself because I was too afraid of googling "spider". When the picture arrived in my inbox, I pushed myself as far away from my computer as I could and still be able to reach the mouse. I opened the picture and sat with my hand over my eyes until someone finally offered to close the picture for me. It was awful. But after about 10 minutes of whining with my back to the screen, I finally held a co-workers hand and took a quick peek.
I could tell this story for days, but I think you're getting the picture. Over the next several weeks, I had the same friend e-mail me progressively bigger and grosser spiders, and I would look at them as many times a day as I could stand. By the end of most days, I was completely grossed out. I was emotionally exhausted from being grossed out. It was gross!
Finally after several weeks, I went to videos. The still photo was getting pretty easy to look at, but a moving arachnid was going to be a different story. I did the same thing with the videos...every day until I was completely drained.
Then after about 6 weeks, I made an appointment with a formerly phobic friend who really understood what I was going through. We met at a pet store and my friend went to ask the clerk to bring out a tarantula. I stood with my back pressed to the door of the pet store, hyperventilating and crying. When the clerk had the spider in place (in what looked like a Tupperware container, in a separate room with a big window) my friend waved me up the isle. I started to cry worse, in fact I was hyperventilating and sobbing loudly as I walked up the isle. I must have looked like I was getting weak, because my friend put out his hand to steady me. I bet he's sorry he did that. I grabbed his hand, and never let go until it was time to leave the store.
When I got to the window, there it was. An enormous, grey, hairy spider inside this container. The only thing that saved me was shear determination (and the gecko and the cute kitty that were in the same room that I kept averting my gaze toward!). I was in spider hell! But I wasn't giving up. I wish I could have been a fly on the wall for this. I cried almost the whole time. I talked to the spider (I don't think I said nice things) and I would not leave until I was good and ready. I kept telling that spider that he wasn't going to win this battle. My friend kept telling me we could leave, and I kept saying no. I was going to win if it killed me. I suspect it nearly did!
After about 10 minutes, I decided I was ready to leave. I have to admit, I have never been so happy to leave a single spot in my whole life. But I have also never been more proud, elated, excited, uplifted...GET A THESAURUS...I NEED TO GO ON!!! It was the greatest accomplishment of my entire life. I felt like I was 10 feet tall. I was shaking and soaked in sweat and my face was a mess from all the crying, but I was, at that moment, the greatest person who ever lived!!! HAHA! Take that spider! HA!
I am proud to say that spiders only even crossed my mind a few times while I was in Africa, and I didn't see even one!
Don't get me wrong, I don't love spiders now. And occasionally I get stuck behind a glass door because there's a big juicy one on the outside and I can't get by. But, I can take matters into my hands most of the time now. I still brag about it almost daily!
Believe me. If I can get over this, there is no fear that cannot be conquered. I try to remind myself of this any time I am feeling like I can't defeat something...anything. It just takes determination, focus, a big ole' set of kahunas, and some supportive friends. In this case, I was very fortunate to have all of these things.
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