'Cause I got-to have faith-a, faith-a, faith-ahhh!

I was raised very Catholic. Sunday school, scripture readings, morning and evening prayers...the works. Add in some grace before meals and a dose of Catholic guilt and you've got the picture.

I had very strong faith. As a screwed up teenager (and I do mean SCREWED UP!) I relied on my faith to get me through. It was nothing to see me in church 3 times a week. Sometimes just sitting when there was no mass and thinking, crying or just taking in the feeling of peace I felt just to be inside the walls of God's house. I really loved it. Sometimes I would even choke up reciting the prayers or singing the hymns.

When my marriage ended, my life turned upside-down. And while there was nothing specific in the break-up or subsequent events to shake my faith, it was the beginning of the end. Years of epic failure after my divorce were the main culprit. A string of HORRIBLE relationships with awful men (not all of them...but a few real doozies!), huge dreams that fell through, business opportunities that were colossal mistakes and an overall loss of faith in myself left me void of faith in pretty much everything. In the next 11 years, my life was one stupid mistake after another. I mixed in some pretty amazing accomplishments like marathons and body building, but they didn't last because I had no faith that they would. They were attempts to come up for air in a life that left me feel like I was drowning. I let my mistakes weigh on me, I punished myself relentlessly for the failure of my marriage and I allowed others to take away my identity and self-esteem. By the time I turned 38, I was down to a tiny flame of self-worth and friends and family who never gave up on me. I had let everything else of any importance go. Dreams??? HA They were for shit and I was just going to live the best way I knew how.

I have always missed my faith in God. I have tried to get it back. It never worked. I had started to believe I would just live my life without faith in anything and make the best of it.

About 6 months into my 39th year, I started to wonder if life really could begin at 40. I decided there was no one else who could determine that but me! So I set out to make it happen! First things first...something to celebrate! Last March, I spent 24 days in Africa on Safari and touring Egypt! I would say that takes care of the celebration!

Even though I didn't know how it was going to happen, I wanted 40 to be a new beginning. The first few months went by without anything really happening, and I began to wonder. But guess what...I have found faith! And it's unbelievable!

It's not faith in God, but it's faith in me and my life and my world and my friends, and my family, and my ability to continue this journey to the life I have always wanted. I can't believe what a change it has made in me! Some might equate this to a faith in God...I'm o.k. with that. What ever it is, it's AMAZING! I can't remember ever being so happy, motivated and inspired! And I want everyone around me to feel the same. For years I have heard other people talk about feeling like this, and I didn't think it would ever happen to me. Now I know it can, and if it can happen to me it can happen to everyone! Timing is everything and we never know when it's going to hit, but we have to be open to the possibility! For me, I go back to my originial quote..."when the student is ready, the teacher will arrive". There is wonder and beauty out there just waiting for us to see! Getting to the point where I could see it wasn't easy, but now that I'm here I know it was worth it.

I know I have a long way to go to truly become the person I dream of being. But the fact that I have a dream at all proves to me that it can be done. I know there will be tough days. Days when I will need hands to hold and shoulders to cry on, but knowing they will be there when I need them is a darn fine place to start.

Faith can be what you want it to be. But I believe the faith alone can move mountains! I'm glad mine is back...in spite of the George Michael reference!