Staying positive...easier said than done...

After a three month reprieve, it's back to oncology with Dad this week. He had a CT scan a couple of weeks ago, and we get the results Thursday. I'm writing this on Tuesday. It's been a very long day.

I am so blessed to have learned all I have learned in the past months. It's really helping me stay on an even keel. In many ways, I do have a positive attitude about this. I don't believe we are going to get bad news. Denial? Possibly. I hope not.

I hadn't really been dwelling on it at all until I saw my parents yesterday. They both looked pretty terrible. Just so tired. And maybe not physically tired, but certainly emotionally drained. I have been sheltered from much that has gone on in their house in the past months. They put on a great brave face for me. It helps. I have been very much living my life this summer and keeping very, very busy. But I know it's not what it seems. Dad is keeping busy, working around the house and on his car, but I know his mind is going a mile a minute. It always does. And in this case it's not on anything good. He believes he's dying, and I think he has Mom convinced. How horrible for both of them. I have even heard that certain family members have made it clear they don't expect Dad to make it. I would like to have my hands around any of their throats. Some people just don't know how to keep their mouths shut. Fuck you. How could anyone be so thoughtless. Trying to help? I don't think so. Get your head out of your ass, this is not about you.

Mom is so terrified to lose him. He is so convinced it's over that he has started getting rid of things out of the garage. And I can't get past this burning optimism that things are going to be o.k. Even on days like today when I am feeling down and worried, I am still not so convinced. I know there is a possibility there could be bad news in the offing, but there's nothing I can do about it, so I have consciously chosen optimism. Beats the alternative. I have CHOSEN to put myself IN happiness. I think it's the only logical thing to do.

So, tomorrow night, I will rent a silly movie and stay over night with them. A little moral support I hope. Not because I think Dad is dying, but because they do, and I think they need me. I suspect there will be other company. If anyone is coming by out of sympathy and with negative energy, I hope they stay away. I don't want anyone around who isn't positive and joyful. I refuse to mourn the living.

No matter what happens on Thursday, it is going to be a huge transition day in our lives. If the news is good, then we have to learn to move on. Dad needs, in my opinion, to work on his attitude and be grateful for this new chance he has been given rather than sit around and wait for the next bit of bad news. That's not living.

If the news is bad, then we have to get on with the business of dealing with that. We will have to focus on the options and try to accept whatever Dad feels is best. I will want him to do whatever he can to improve his situation whether it means travelling for a second opinion or for treatment. I don't know if that would be a route he would choose. But it's up to him. We'll just have to see how he feels.

I am standing for the possibility that all will be well. It's not as easy as it sounds, but it's all I have. Whether you believe in prayer or positive or healing energy, I ask you to think of us this week. I hope we won't need it, but we'll take what we can get with love and appreciation.