So, I have survived my 41st year. I had planned to write this on the eve of my 41st birthday, but I was in Reno having a little too much fun. But I have been reflecting since; birthdays will do that...especially the ones after 40!
Does life really begin at 40? It did for me in many ways, but for heavens' sake, don't wait if you're not already there. My mom always says, " You can't always wait for your ship to come in, sometimes you have to swim out and meet it!" I have done a lot of swimming in the past year. And a lot of treading water. The bottom line is, here I am, and I have never been happier or felt more in control of my life. Here's what's different:
I have opened up my eyes and my mind. I was raised to do what "normal" people do, think what "normal" people think...just be normal! I have been rebelling against that all my life, but now I know what it really means not to settle for normal. It doesn't just mean having spiky green hair and tattoos or listening to crazy music or dancing in the mall if I feel like it...although those are all great things if they make you happy! It means looking at life in ways that other people may think is a little outside the box. It's taking action no matter what other people think. It's taking risks even though there have been epic failures in the past. It's focusing on what you want and going for it even if people think it's crazy. I'm crazy like a fox, baby...If you're not with me, I'll call you when I get there! I must warn you though, you'll be jealous!
I have learned I will never live vicariously through anyone...EVER! People have been living vicariously through me on some level for years and years. I had retreated to a place where I thought I would have to do the same some day. I thought, well, I'm getting a little older, time to let someone else to all the crazy stuff. No way, Jose! I vow to only live vicariously through MYSELF! So some of the crazy stuff isn't as important any more...I just plan to do new crazy stuff. Priorities change, the desire to take risks and live on the edge doesn't. I have always believed if I wasn't living on the edge I was taking up too much space. Well, the edge is just in a different place now!
I think about my mortality more often...not in an "Oh my gosh I'm going to die" kind of way, but a "Have I done what I want to" kind of way. I think more about what I want to accomplish with my life. I think about the failures sometimes, but ONLY to remind myself that I have been fortunate that my eyes have opened and I can change things. It's a little like a second chance at life, and I plan to do it up right this time!
I try to love more. I always considered myself affectionate, but I am turning it up a notch. Imagine if the people you loved went around not knowing about it!!! How awful! I take more time to share affection and love now. I tell the people I love that I love them more often. I hug more and touch more. I look into people's eyes more and the things I see are truly amazing!
I actually used to think, "why try to pack so much into life...I'm just going to die anyway"...boy was that the lazy way out! I don't want to get to the end of this beautiful life and wonder why I didn't try to do more. I want to be able to spend my time counting my blessings not my regrets. I want to smile and give thanks for all of the things I have experienced and all the people I have loved. Let's face it, we don't know what comes next...may as well make this shot the best, just in case! :)
I have learned to dream again. I used to be a HUGE dreamer...but I let failure take all of that away. I know I can do anything, I have proven it to myself many times, I just needed to start believing it again. As I write this, I am looking at a digital picture frame on my desk which is scrolling pictures of my trip to Africa. That was a dream so huge that when I was in Egypt someone asked me where I wanted my next big trip to be and I almost said Egypt! I was there and I didn't even believe it! My dreams get bigger every day and I love it!
Life is so precious. I have been blessed with 41 years of it. Here's to 41 more and everything I can possibly squeeze into it!
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Food is the only thing we truly have control over....we can count on it to feel warm and fuzzy...for s few seconds anyway....we can get 'happy' anytime we want to with food. I would blow somebody for some macaroni and cheese right now! This is why in times of stress...or distress...we don't fall off the wagon...we dive face first belly flop off the damn thing! I was just talking to a girlfriend this week...I told her how out of control I am these days...no exercise at all...terrible eating habits (like over the top really really bad) and smoking out of control. I was so frustrated with ymself and asked why...she asked me if anything may have set me off...I said nothing I can think of...and she laughed hsyterically and said "ARE YOU KIDDING ME????????" I had just been through a tremendous and stressful life event...two back to back in fact...and somehow I managed to push this bullshit right into the back and cob webbed corners of my mind...but exhibited the signs of stress through crazy behvaior...all the while scratching my head wondering what the hell was wrong with me! LOL! This is simply a HUGE disappointment for you...guilt for even wishing you could do your thing...there is no doubt that you absolutely love and adore your parents! I am so excited for your mother...wish I could do the same!
ReplyDeleteLynn
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