Tonight was my last regular call with my personal coach, Lisa. The first phase of my coaching program was 12 weekly calls to get started and stay accountable to heading in the right direction. I have 9 months to go, but now it's up to me. 12 weeks ago, that prospect would have given me the vapours! No I'm excited because I know I can do it.
At the first of my program I wrote in this blog that I couldn't wait to look in the mirror in 12 weeks to see if I recognized the person looking back. Oddly it took some thinking to decide if there were any real changed, but with a little thought and reflection, I'm not sure it's the same person at all. So, what's changed?
I have determined my life purpose. Ever ponder that one? It's amazing what a behemoth that is. Think about it...the reason you were put on this planet. Heck, 12 weeks ago I figured I was just dropped here randomly to share as much love as I could and maybe go to a nice place and sleep when it was all over. Now I know what my life's purpose is and I work a little toward it every day. It's incredible!
I have actually written down goals! Another monumental task! The assignment asked for 101...I think I got to 15! But I am amazed at how much closer I feel to these goals not that they are in writing and I can look at them and think of them and be more aware of them should any opportunities come knocking.
The biggest challenge for me was organization and time management. When I first started working on these modules, I never thought I would learn. Guess what! I did! Now, I will never be super-organized or a time-management genius, but the shocking thing is that I am better at both and neither intimidates me now. And I find the less fear they invoke in me, the easier I find them to conquer. I know now that if I get off course on organization or time-management, I just have to regroup and get back on track. I also recognize how much easier my life is and how much less forgetful I am not that I have a plan for each day and I am so much better at staying on track!
My biggest fear in starting this program was my PREVIOUS inability to stick to anything! One of the biggest attractions about this program was the unwillingness of Jack Canfield's people to let me quit. It's simply not an option! Normally by now I would have lost interest, run out of time or found some great rationalization or just a big CAN'T in the middle of the road and thrown my hands up and said, "find, you win, I'm out". The fact that I have made it this far without even thinking about quitting is a huge accomplishment and one that is an enormous lesson in itself.
Conquering goals and changing my mindset along the way have been two of the most amazing accomplishments of my life. I have seen such a shift in my attitude in the past 12 weeks that it's astounding to me. And now that I have overcome some challenges and I have seen how using Jack's methods and philosophies can work for me, I am ready to tackle other challenges. So far I have been focusing on business challenges. In the new year, I intend to hone those skills I have already learned and implemented and to focus them in other directions. Next up is my health. I am committed to setting weight loss and fitness goals in the new year, only this time I have faith it will work because I have a new plan and a new outlook. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time! I am finally learning that it all doesn't have to happen at once. I don't need to rule the world in the next five minutes. Persistence is the key, and I am learning to take baby steps to keep the pressure off myself and exercise that nasty stick-to-itiveness muscle!
So, the girl in the mirror. She looks very much the same but there are some differences. Her eyes are a little brighter, her smile a little more sincere. Some of the edges are smother and she looks kinder and more loving. She looks like the kind of person I would very much like to hug. I may learn to love this girl someday after all.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
Put me in Coach!
I suppose this could be considered another slacker update, but I haven't exactly been slack! It's been crazy busy these past weeks...busy but amazing.
I recently learned that even for the most organized person, 3 to 5 major priorities at one time is A LOT...I could fit ALL of my organizational skills under my baby fingernail, and I have three on the go...day job, business and coaching. It's a very good thing time management is one of the major components in my coaching program!
The first two weeks in the program I covered modules on determining a life purpose (more challenging than I thought!). It didn't come to me at first, it's a lot easier said than done, But I scratched something down that I thought would do, and the idea was to keep looking at it and thinking about it until is almost magically transformed itself into something that really spoke to me and matched what's in my heart as my life's purpose. I was a little doubtful that it would happen, but I committed to have faith to this program, so I went with it. Well it happened! How exciting it was when it just popped into my mind! It wasn't even worded quite right, but it was there and it just needed some tweaking...now I have the wording and the intent and it seems to be something perfect for me, and I LOVE it! In fact, I have it typed up with a pretty picture on it, framed and sitting on my night stand so I look at it every day! ever thought about the actual PURPOSE of your life? It's a very humbling exercise.
I have also worked on visualization, meditation and focusing on success instead of failure. I am learning to change my language to change my life. We don't think about it, but the words that come out of our mouths or cross our minds become the way we feel. It's all been very powerful.
This week's module is on time management. OY! I have been reading for many years...before I started school for sure. I've been a broadcaster for the better part of 20 years, and I have many books in my little home library that I have read many times. So I opened this week's assignments assuming I would be able to read them...happens all the time! Guess what...did...not...compute. It could have been written in German and it would have made as much sense to me. I don't even know how to explain it. It was almost as though the words were trying to come off the page but they were only hitting me in the forehead...they were not making it into my brain. I stared blankly at this weeks assignments many times, and nuthin! It was very strange.
One of the many wonderful things about this program is the availability of a coach through a resource line during the week...so I took advantage of it to get some help. My wonderful coach Lisa walked me through the exercises, and without being a bit condescending, she held my hand and explained everything like I was a six year old, and that's exactly how I felt! It worked though and I have since finished my work for this week.
I learned some great lessons this week. Primarily that the hardest lessons are going to be the ones that help me most. Clearly I needed A LOT of help with time management. I have also learned to block out my time. There's nothing wrong with writing "down time" in your planner if you have a hard time keeping things organized like I do. I have to learn to write everything down when I think of it, which means developing the habit of keeping my day timer with me at all times. Sounds simple to some I assume...not so much for me. I lost my damn day timer for two weeks! Mostly because I hadn't found the TIME to unpack my suitcase after my last trip out of town! Yeesh...I have so much to learn.
So far this coaching thing has made some pretty astounding changes in the way I think. I am working on making those changes part of my everyday life. It's definitely challenging and not for the faint of heart. You have to really want to change to open your mind to this stuff. It was the commitment I made to myself and my coach when this all started. I'm only a month in, and I have to work on keeping that commitment every day...but really, anything worth having is worth working for, right.
I want to share one exercise I have started doing every day. It's a little hokey, so read this with an open mind. It's called the "Mirror Exercise". A very scientific name! At the end of each day, I look in a mirror and tell myself how much I appreciate all of the good things I have done that day and talk about all of the successes of the day. It doesn't matter how big or how small. Whether I completed a huge task I have been procrastinating on for weeks or I let someone go in traffic...every positive thing about the day over which I had even the smallest bit of control goes into the mirror. When I am done reviewing the day's successes, I say "I love You" and I go to bed. Give it a try if you feel inspired to do so. You are likely to feel a little silly talking to yourself in the mirror the first couple of times, but after you get the hang of it, I can almost guarantee you will feel more peace in your mind when you go to bed, you will likely sleep better and have more peaceful dreams! It's very powerful!
The times, they are a changin'. Stay tuned for more updates! And thanks for reading!
I recently learned that even for the most organized person, 3 to 5 major priorities at one time is A LOT...I could fit ALL of my organizational skills under my baby fingernail, and I have three on the go...day job, business and coaching. It's a very good thing time management is one of the major components in my coaching program!
The first two weeks in the program I covered modules on determining a life purpose (more challenging than I thought!). It didn't come to me at first, it's a lot easier said than done, But I scratched something down that I thought would do, and the idea was to keep looking at it and thinking about it until is almost magically transformed itself into something that really spoke to me and matched what's in my heart as my life's purpose. I was a little doubtful that it would happen, but I committed to have faith to this program, so I went with it. Well it happened! How exciting it was when it just popped into my mind! It wasn't even worded quite right, but it was there and it just needed some tweaking...now I have the wording and the intent and it seems to be something perfect for me, and I LOVE it! In fact, I have it typed up with a pretty picture on it, framed and sitting on my night stand so I look at it every day! ever thought about the actual PURPOSE of your life? It's a very humbling exercise.
I have also worked on visualization, meditation and focusing on success instead of failure. I am learning to change my language to change my life. We don't think about it, but the words that come out of our mouths or cross our minds become the way we feel. It's all been very powerful.
This week's module is on time management. OY! I have been reading for many years...before I started school for sure. I've been a broadcaster for the better part of 20 years, and I have many books in my little home library that I have read many times. So I opened this week's assignments assuming I would be able to read them...happens all the time! Guess what...did...not...compute. It could have been written in German and it would have made as much sense to me. I don't even know how to explain it. It was almost as though the words were trying to come off the page but they were only hitting me in the forehead...they were not making it into my brain. I stared blankly at this weeks assignments many times, and nuthin! It was very strange.
One of the many wonderful things about this program is the availability of a coach through a resource line during the week...so I took advantage of it to get some help. My wonderful coach Lisa walked me through the exercises, and without being a bit condescending, she held my hand and explained everything like I was a six year old, and that's exactly how I felt! It worked though and I have since finished my work for this week.
I learned some great lessons this week. Primarily that the hardest lessons are going to be the ones that help me most. Clearly I needed A LOT of help with time management. I have also learned to block out my time. There's nothing wrong with writing "down time" in your planner if you have a hard time keeping things organized like I do. I have to learn to write everything down when I think of it, which means developing the habit of keeping my day timer with me at all times. Sounds simple to some I assume...not so much for me. I lost my damn day timer for two weeks! Mostly because I hadn't found the TIME to unpack my suitcase after my last trip out of town! Yeesh...I have so much to learn.
So far this coaching thing has made some pretty astounding changes in the way I think. I am working on making those changes part of my everyday life. It's definitely challenging and not for the faint of heart. You have to really want to change to open your mind to this stuff. It was the commitment I made to myself and my coach when this all started. I'm only a month in, and I have to work on keeping that commitment every day...but really, anything worth having is worth working for, right.
I want to share one exercise I have started doing every day. It's a little hokey, so read this with an open mind. It's called the "Mirror Exercise". A very scientific name! At the end of each day, I look in a mirror and tell myself how much I appreciate all of the good things I have done that day and talk about all of the successes of the day. It doesn't matter how big or how small. Whether I completed a huge task I have been procrastinating on for weeks or I let someone go in traffic...every positive thing about the day over which I had even the smallest bit of control goes into the mirror. When I am done reviewing the day's successes, I say "I love You" and I go to bed. Give it a try if you feel inspired to do so. You are likely to feel a little silly talking to yourself in the mirror the first couple of times, but after you get the hang of it, I can almost guarantee you will feel more peace in your mind when you go to bed, you will likely sleep better and have more peaceful dreams! It's very powerful!
The times, they are a changin'. Stay tuned for more updates! And thanks for reading!
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
The slacker's back!
Wow! Where do I start! Things are really happening, and I could not be more excited!
The last month has been extremely busy, hence the lack of posts, but I am about to start making up for lost time! I have just signed up to receive life-coaching from a Jack Canfield certified coach. Jack is the creator of the "Chicken Soup for the Soul" series of books. He also appeared in the "Secret" movie and he has an amazing book and audio set called "The Success Principles: How to get from Where You Are to Where You Want To Be". It's simply incredible. I have listened to the audio set twice! I believe so strongly in his philosophy! I signed up for his news letters and I read his e-mails often. I have subscriptions to many such messages, but I have found Jack Canfield's to be the most powerful for me. Much of what he talks about is taking 100 percent responsibility for your own life and success and happiness. It's certainly easier said than done. We are all so used to looking for something or someone to blame when our lives aren't what they should be. What I am learning is that the only person truly responsible for that is ME!
I am so excited about starting this program. For the first 12 weeks I will speak on the phone with a personal coach once a week and complete assignments. I CANNOT wait to look at myself in the mirror after those 12 weeks. I don't think I am going to recognize myself! It's a year-long program...Imagine what I can accomplish in a whole year!
None of this is to say that I am not terrified! I am...poopin' my drawers, to keep it family friendly... there are so many challenges ahead. A lot of working outside my comfort zone. Doing things and thinking in ways I have never done before. It doesn't sound so hard, but I don't think it's all going to be easy. The biggest challenge for me, and therefore the thing I stand to learn the best will be commitment. We've had the discussion on STICKTOOITIVENESS...I'm not very good at it. I'm much better at jumping in, panicking, and bailing out. But that is the very trait that this program is going to change in me. I am committed to working on this program EVERY DAY for the next 12 months. YIKES! But when I am done, I will be unstoppable! 10 feet tall and bulletproof to say the very least!
I feel like this has come along because of all of the things that have happened and that I have written about in this blog. I won't preach the law of attraction or the power of positive thinking, but I do believe I have brought myself to this "place" because of the changes in my thinking and the paths I have created in my own life by what I keep my mind focused on. One thing leads to another...hmm...you don't say???
I have always believed in my own potential, but I have never had the ambition, knowledge or faith in myself to find it. Sometimes I wonder if I have it now. But one of the most important things about this program is they will not let me fail. I have constant access to coaches and trainers and all the motivation I will need. All I have to do is step up to the plate and use the resources at my fingertips to create the truly great life I believe we are all entitled to and capable of.
Stay tuned! The journey continues!
The last month has been extremely busy, hence the lack of posts, but I am about to start making up for lost time! I have just signed up to receive life-coaching from a Jack Canfield certified coach. Jack is the creator of the "Chicken Soup for the Soul" series of books. He also appeared in the "Secret" movie and he has an amazing book and audio set called "The Success Principles: How to get from Where You Are to Where You Want To Be". It's simply incredible. I have listened to the audio set twice! I believe so strongly in his philosophy! I signed up for his news letters and I read his e-mails often. I have subscriptions to many such messages, but I have found Jack Canfield's to be the most powerful for me. Much of what he talks about is taking 100 percent responsibility for your own life and success and happiness. It's certainly easier said than done. We are all so used to looking for something or someone to blame when our lives aren't what they should be. What I am learning is that the only person truly responsible for that is ME!
I am so excited about starting this program. For the first 12 weeks I will speak on the phone with a personal coach once a week and complete assignments. I CANNOT wait to look at myself in the mirror after those 12 weeks. I don't think I am going to recognize myself! It's a year-long program...Imagine what I can accomplish in a whole year!
None of this is to say that I am not terrified! I am...poopin' my drawers, to keep it family friendly... there are so many challenges ahead. A lot of working outside my comfort zone. Doing things and thinking in ways I have never done before. It doesn't sound so hard, but I don't think it's all going to be easy. The biggest challenge for me, and therefore the thing I stand to learn the best will be commitment. We've had the discussion on STICKTOOITIVENESS...I'm not very good at it. I'm much better at jumping in, panicking, and bailing out. But that is the very trait that this program is going to change in me. I am committed to working on this program EVERY DAY for the next 12 months. YIKES! But when I am done, I will be unstoppable! 10 feet tall and bulletproof to say the very least!
I feel like this has come along because of all of the things that have happened and that I have written about in this blog. I won't preach the law of attraction or the power of positive thinking, but I do believe I have brought myself to this "place" because of the changes in my thinking and the paths I have created in my own life by what I keep my mind focused on. One thing leads to another...hmm...you don't say???
I have always believed in my own potential, but I have never had the ambition, knowledge or faith in myself to find it. Sometimes I wonder if I have it now. But one of the most important things about this program is they will not let me fail. I have constant access to coaches and trainers and all the motivation I will need. All I have to do is step up to the plate and use the resources at my fingertips to create the truly great life I believe we are all entitled to and capable of.
Stay tuned! The journey continues!
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Staying positive...easier said than done...
After a three month reprieve, it's back to oncology with Dad this week. He had a CT scan a couple of weeks ago, and we get the results Thursday. I'm writing this on Tuesday. It's been a very long day.
I am so blessed to have learned all I have learned in the past months. It's really helping me stay on an even keel. In many ways, I do have a positive attitude about this. I don't believe we are going to get bad news. Denial? Possibly. I hope not.
I hadn't really been dwelling on it at all until I saw my parents yesterday. They both looked pretty terrible. Just so tired. And maybe not physically tired, but certainly emotionally drained. I have been sheltered from much that has gone on in their house in the past months. They put on a great brave face for me. It helps. I have been very much living my life this summer and keeping very, very busy. But I know it's not what it seems. Dad is keeping busy, working around the house and on his car, but I know his mind is going a mile a minute. It always does. And in this case it's not on anything good. He believes he's dying, and I think he has Mom convinced. How horrible for both of them. I have even heard that certain family members have made it clear they don't expect Dad to make it. I would like to have my hands around any of their throats. Some people just don't know how to keep their mouths shut. Fuck you. How could anyone be so thoughtless. Trying to help? I don't think so. Get your head out of your ass, this is not about you.
Mom is so terrified to lose him. He is so convinced it's over that he has started getting rid of things out of the garage. And I can't get past this burning optimism that things are going to be o.k. Even on days like today when I am feeling down and worried, I am still not so convinced. I know there is a possibility there could be bad news in the offing, but there's nothing I can do about it, so I have consciously chosen optimism. Beats the alternative. I have CHOSEN to put myself IN happiness. I think it's the only logical thing to do.
So, tomorrow night, I will rent a silly movie and stay over night with them. A little moral support I hope. Not because I think Dad is dying, but because they do, and I think they need me. I suspect there will be other company. If anyone is coming by out of sympathy and with negative energy, I hope they stay away. I don't want anyone around who isn't positive and joyful. I refuse to mourn the living.
No matter what happens on Thursday, it is going to be a huge transition day in our lives. If the news is good, then we have to learn to move on. Dad needs, in my opinion, to work on his attitude and be grateful for this new chance he has been given rather than sit around and wait for the next bit of bad news. That's not living.
If the news is bad, then we have to get on with the business of dealing with that. We will have to focus on the options and try to accept whatever Dad feels is best. I will want him to do whatever he can to improve his situation whether it means travelling for a second opinion or for treatment. I don't know if that would be a route he would choose. But it's up to him. We'll just have to see how he feels.
I am standing for the possibility that all will be well. It's not as easy as it sounds, but it's all I have. Whether you believe in prayer or positive or healing energy, I ask you to think of us this week. I hope we won't need it, but we'll take what we can get with love and appreciation.
I am so blessed to have learned all I have learned in the past months. It's really helping me stay on an even keel. In many ways, I do have a positive attitude about this. I don't believe we are going to get bad news. Denial? Possibly. I hope not.
I hadn't really been dwelling on it at all until I saw my parents yesterday. They both looked pretty terrible. Just so tired. And maybe not physically tired, but certainly emotionally drained. I have been sheltered from much that has gone on in their house in the past months. They put on a great brave face for me. It helps. I have been very much living my life this summer and keeping very, very busy. But I know it's not what it seems. Dad is keeping busy, working around the house and on his car, but I know his mind is going a mile a minute. It always does. And in this case it's not on anything good. He believes he's dying, and I think he has Mom convinced. How horrible for both of them. I have even heard that certain family members have made it clear they don't expect Dad to make it. I would like to have my hands around any of their throats. Some people just don't know how to keep their mouths shut. Fuck you. How could anyone be so thoughtless. Trying to help? I don't think so. Get your head out of your ass, this is not about you.
Mom is so terrified to lose him. He is so convinced it's over that he has started getting rid of things out of the garage. And I can't get past this burning optimism that things are going to be o.k. Even on days like today when I am feeling down and worried, I am still not so convinced. I know there is a possibility there could be bad news in the offing, but there's nothing I can do about it, so I have consciously chosen optimism. Beats the alternative. I have CHOSEN to put myself IN happiness. I think it's the only logical thing to do.
So, tomorrow night, I will rent a silly movie and stay over night with them. A little moral support I hope. Not because I think Dad is dying, but because they do, and I think they need me. I suspect there will be other company. If anyone is coming by out of sympathy and with negative energy, I hope they stay away. I don't want anyone around who isn't positive and joyful. I refuse to mourn the living.
No matter what happens on Thursday, it is going to be a huge transition day in our lives. If the news is good, then we have to learn to move on. Dad needs, in my opinion, to work on his attitude and be grateful for this new chance he has been given rather than sit around and wait for the next bit of bad news. That's not living.
If the news is bad, then we have to get on with the business of dealing with that. We will have to focus on the options and try to accept whatever Dad feels is best. I will want him to do whatever he can to improve his situation whether it means travelling for a second opinion or for treatment. I don't know if that would be a route he would choose. But it's up to him. We'll just have to see how he feels.
I am standing for the possibility that all will be well. It's not as easy as it sounds, but it's all I have. Whether you believe in prayer or positive or healing energy, I ask you to think of us this week. I hope we won't need it, but we'll take what we can get with love and appreciation.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
The show must go on!
This weekend, I had the pleasure of taking part in a theatre project that is one of my favourite creative experiences ever! It's called Wingin' It, and it's WILD!
On Friday night, our team and three others of 5 or 6 received a completely random line of text, a completely unrelated prop and 24 hours to write and produce a play for a paying audience! The teams are made up of theatre veterans and newbies alike and the plays are always histerically funny!
I hadn't appeared in a theatre production of any kind in two years. Someday when I'm self-employed and financially free, I'll get back at it...for now it will have to wait! In the meantime, this was the perfect way to get back on stage since it only takes 24 hours to write and stage the play instead of weeks and weeks of intense rehearsal! Of course, without all of that rehearsal, chaos can ensue, but that's the whole fun of it!
Four years ago, when I was "looking for myself" after the end of a horrible relationship, I decided to take a leap and try acting. It's something I always wanted to do, but just never got around to. So I went to an audition...
I was terrified. Yeah...me...terrified! I walked into a room full of people I had never seen before and sat near the middle of the group. I feared if I sat in the front I would appear to eager and end up making an ass of myself, but I wouldn't sit in the back for fear that everyone would be able to see that I was crapping my drawers!
It was an audition for 4 one-act plays, so there were 4 directors with 4 scripts. We all got scripts, and the directors would pick people out of the group to read certain parts. I did what I was told, and did a reasonable job, but man did I blend in. I couldn't believe it. I HATE blending in! I didn't do anything to get any one's attention. While other people were reading their lines, I kept admonishing myself for not doing something outrageous or stunning! I kept telling myself there was no way I could leave that building and let people think I was a mouse. Strange word, huh? Mouse! It's the word that kept running through my mind. Here I was, career broadcaster and self-professed spotlight hound, and I was being mousy!
One of the directors, Scott Thomas (possible genius!) kept telling the group that he wanted to see something over the top. Don't feel you have to sit in your chair and just read the lines, get up and do something to get his attention. But I was crazy glued to my chair being a mouse.
So I listened to all of the other auditions and everyone started shuffling papers and making departing overtures. Scott asked if anyone missed an opportunity to read a part they were interested in. I waited for what seemed like an eternity for someone else to speak up. They didn't. It was now or never, and I could not leave as a mouse. So up goes my hand and I say I want to audition for a part which Scott has already said will go to someone with lots of experience because it had a lot of text and it was very much a lead role! He said thank you and offered me the script.
The dialogue was a woman pitching a completely outrageous plan to a group of potential investors. Some pretty stern prospects at that. So, I grabbed a total stranger from the group, dragged him up to the directors table to use as a prop, and proceeded to address the directors as though they were this group of potential investors. I ranted and raved and did some slightly outlandish things to my poor unsuspecting prop. In short, I made an ass of myself. Guess what...they loved it!
When I left that building, I was floating on a cloud! I was so excited that I took a chance. It didn't matter one bit whether I got the part at the time. I had done what I planned to do. I faced the fear and did it anyway! I stepped outside my comfort zone! I was a friggin' genius! It was one of those moments when I felt like I could really take on the world! Nothing could stop me! WOOHOO!
A few days later, I got a call from the director, Scott. I didn't get THAT part, but I did get a part in his show! I had to sit down I was so excited! Not only did I prove to myself ONCE AGAIN that I can do anything I set my mind to, but it paid off! I had a bonefide part in a play, and I loved it!
In the two following years, I did just about every play I could get my hands on, and had some of the most amazing experiences of my life! I met some wonderful people who will be life-time friends, and I learned a lot about myself. The dedication and hard work it takes to put on a production of any size is enormous! It's something I didn't think I had in me. But passion just takes over, and doesn't leave me a choice. I never begrudged a single rehearsal or a minute of learning my lines. It was a total labour of love.
I have taken two years off from theatre, but now that I have done another show, I definitely have the bug again. When my business reaches a place where I don't have to maintain my day job and I can take the time to work on another show, I'll be back in, up to my ears! I'm addicted and I never want to be in a place where I don't have theatre in my life in some way!
Thanks, Scott! You Rock!
On Friday night, our team and three others of 5 or 6 received a completely random line of text, a completely unrelated prop and 24 hours to write and produce a play for a paying audience! The teams are made up of theatre veterans and newbies alike and the plays are always histerically funny!
I hadn't appeared in a theatre production of any kind in two years. Someday when I'm self-employed and financially free, I'll get back at it...for now it will have to wait! In the meantime, this was the perfect way to get back on stage since it only takes 24 hours to write and stage the play instead of weeks and weeks of intense rehearsal! Of course, without all of that rehearsal, chaos can ensue, but that's the whole fun of it!
Four years ago, when I was "looking for myself" after the end of a horrible relationship, I decided to take a leap and try acting. It's something I always wanted to do, but just never got around to. So I went to an audition...
I was terrified. Yeah...me...terrified! I walked into a room full of people I had never seen before and sat near the middle of the group. I feared if I sat in the front I would appear to eager and end up making an ass of myself, but I wouldn't sit in the back for fear that everyone would be able to see that I was crapping my drawers!
It was an audition for 4 one-act plays, so there were 4 directors with 4 scripts. We all got scripts, and the directors would pick people out of the group to read certain parts. I did what I was told, and did a reasonable job, but man did I blend in. I couldn't believe it. I HATE blending in! I didn't do anything to get any one's attention. While other people were reading their lines, I kept admonishing myself for not doing something outrageous or stunning! I kept telling myself there was no way I could leave that building and let people think I was a mouse. Strange word, huh? Mouse! It's the word that kept running through my mind. Here I was, career broadcaster and self-professed spotlight hound, and I was being mousy!
One of the directors, Scott Thomas (possible genius!) kept telling the group that he wanted to see something over the top. Don't feel you have to sit in your chair and just read the lines, get up and do something to get his attention. But I was crazy glued to my chair being a mouse.
So I listened to all of the other auditions and everyone started shuffling papers and making departing overtures. Scott asked if anyone missed an opportunity to read a part they were interested in. I waited for what seemed like an eternity for someone else to speak up. They didn't. It was now or never, and I could not leave as a mouse. So up goes my hand and I say I want to audition for a part which Scott has already said will go to someone with lots of experience because it had a lot of text and it was very much a lead role! He said thank you and offered me the script.
The dialogue was a woman pitching a completely outrageous plan to a group of potential investors. Some pretty stern prospects at that. So, I grabbed a total stranger from the group, dragged him up to the directors table to use as a prop, and proceeded to address the directors as though they were this group of potential investors. I ranted and raved and did some slightly outlandish things to my poor unsuspecting prop. In short, I made an ass of myself. Guess what...they loved it!
When I left that building, I was floating on a cloud! I was so excited that I took a chance. It didn't matter one bit whether I got the part at the time. I had done what I planned to do. I faced the fear and did it anyway! I stepped outside my comfort zone! I was a friggin' genius! It was one of those moments when I felt like I could really take on the world! Nothing could stop me! WOOHOO!
A few days later, I got a call from the director, Scott. I didn't get THAT part, but I did get a part in his show! I had to sit down I was so excited! Not only did I prove to myself ONCE AGAIN that I can do anything I set my mind to, but it paid off! I had a bonefide part in a play, and I loved it!
In the two following years, I did just about every play I could get my hands on, and had some of the most amazing experiences of my life! I met some wonderful people who will be life-time friends, and I learned a lot about myself. The dedication and hard work it takes to put on a production of any size is enormous! It's something I didn't think I had in me. But passion just takes over, and doesn't leave me a choice. I never begrudged a single rehearsal or a minute of learning my lines. It was a total labour of love.
I have taken two years off from theatre, but now that I have done another show, I definitely have the bug again. When my business reaches a place where I don't have to maintain my day job and I can take the time to work on another show, I'll be back in, up to my ears! I'm addicted and I never want to be in a place where I don't have theatre in my life in some way!
Thanks, Scott! You Rock!
Monday, August 3, 2009
Feel the Fear and do it Anyway!
Let's face it. One of the biggest things we have to deal with in life is fear. We all have fear of something. Many fears are irrational, but that doesn't make them less real. I have learned that facing fears is one of the most uplifting things in the world. I want to share my story.
I have been a textbook arachnophobic for as long as I can remember. I don't recall a specific event that made me deathly afraid of spiders...just that I have been terrified of them for "ever"!.
I have never traveled to a tropical place for fear of running into a spider. I couldn't even look at pictures of spiders! I have been "locked" out of my own house by a spider on a web near my door! I couldn't pass in fear that it would some how end up either following me in the house or landing on me on the way by. I was ALWAYS on the look out for spiders lest I walk into one or have it fall on me. I hated summer, and I LOATHED fall, because that's when they are actually out at their worst. It's like they eat mice all summer or something, then come out in the fall when they weigh about 2lbs! I was a serious spider freak!!! I'm sure you're starting to catch the drift!
So...when I decided to go to Africa, I thought it might be time to get over this spider thing. I wouldn't have been able to relax and enjoy my trip if I had been worrying about spiders the whole time.
About 7 months before I left, I had one of my co-workers e-mail me a picture of an average garden spider. I couldn't find the picture of one myself because I was too afraid of googling "spider". When the picture arrived in my inbox, I pushed myself as far away from my computer as I could and still be able to reach the mouse. I opened the picture and sat with my hand over my eyes until someone finally offered to close the picture for me. It was awful. But after about 10 minutes of whining with my back to the screen, I finally held a co-workers hand and took a quick peek.
I could tell this story for days, but I think you're getting the picture. Over the next several weeks, I had the same friend e-mail me progressively bigger and grosser spiders, and I would look at them as many times a day as I could stand. By the end of most days, I was completely grossed out. I was emotionally exhausted from being grossed out. It was gross!
Finally after several weeks, I went to videos. The still photo was getting pretty easy to look at, but a moving arachnid was going to be a different story. I did the same thing with the videos...every day until I was completely drained.
Then after about 6 weeks, I made an appointment with a formerly phobic friend who really understood what I was going through. We met at a pet store and my friend went to ask the clerk to bring out a tarantula. I stood with my back pressed to the door of the pet store, hyperventilating and crying. When the clerk had the spider in place (in what looked like a Tupperware container, in a separate room with a big window) my friend waved me up the isle. I started to cry worse, in fact I was hyperventilating and sobbing loudly as I walked up the isle. I must have looked like I was getting weak, because my friend put out his hand to steady me. I bet he's sorry he did that. I grabbed his hand, and never let go until it was time to leave the store.
When I got to the window, there it was. An enormous, grey, hairy spider inside this container. The only thing that saved me was shear determination (and the gecko and the cute kitty that were in the same room that I kept averting my gaze toward!). I was in spider hell! But I wasn't giving up. I wish I could have been a fly on the wall for this. I cried almost the whole time. I talked to the spider (I don't think I said nice things) and I would not leave until I was good and ready. I kept telling that spider that he wasn't going to win this battle. My friend kept telling me we could leave, and I kept saying no. I was going to win if it killed me. I suspect it nearly did!
After about 10 minutes, I decided I was ready to leave. I have to admit, I have never been so happy to leave a single spot in my whole life. But I have also never been more proud, elated, excited, uplifted...GET A THESAURUS...I NEED TO GO ON!!! It was the greatest accomplishment of my entire life. I felt like I was 10 feet tall. I was shaking and soaked in sweat and my face was a mess from all the crying, but I was, at that moment, the greatest person who ever lived!!! HAHA! Take that spider! HA!
I am proud to say that spiders only even crossed my mind a few times while I was in Africa, and I didn't see even one!
Don't get me wrong, I don't love spiders now. And occasionally I get stuck behind a glass door because there's a big juicy one on the outside and I can't get by. But, I can take matters into my hands most of the time now. I still brag about it almost daily!
Believe me. If I can get over this, there is no fear that cannot be conquered. I try to remind myself of this any time I am feeling like I can't defeat something...anything. It just takes determination, focus, a big ole' set of kahunas, and some supportive friends. In this case, I was very fortunate to have all of these things.
I have been a textbook arachnophobic for as long as I can remember. I don't recall a specific event that made me deathly afraid of spiders...just that I have been terrified of them for "ever"!.
I have never traveled to a tropical place for fear of running into a spider. I couldn't even look at pictures of spiders! I have been "locked" out of my own house by a spider on a web near my door! I couldn't pass in fear that it would some how end up either following me in the house or landing on me on the way by. I was ALWAYS on the look out for spiders lest I walk into one or have it fall on me. I hated summer, and I LOATHED fall, because that's when they are actually out at their worst. It's like they eat mice all summer or something, then come out in the fall when they weigh about 2lbs! I was a serious spider freak!!! I'm sure you're starting to catch the drift!
So...when I decided to go to Africa, I thought it might be time to get over this spider thing. I wouldn't have been able to relax and enjoy my trip if I had been worrying about spiders the whole time.
About 7 months before I left, I had one of my co-workers e-mail me a picture of an average garden spider. I couldn't find the picture of one myself because I was too afraid of googling "spider". When the picture arrived in my inbox, I pushed myself as far away from my computer as I could and still be able to reach the mouse. I opened the picture and sat with my hand over my eyes until someone finally offered to close the picture for me. It was awful. But after about 10 minutes of whining with my back to the screen, I finally held a co-workers hand and took a quick peek.
I could tell this story for days, but I think you're getting the picture. Over the next several weeks, I had the same friend e-mail me progressively bigger and grosser spiders, and I would look at them as many times a day as I could stand. By the end of most days, I was completely grossed out. I was emotionally exhausted from being grossed out. It was gross!
Finally after several weeks, I went to videos. The still photo was getting pretty easy to look at, but a moving arachnid was going to be a different story. I did the same thing with the videos...every day until I was completely drained.
Then after about 6 weeks, I made an appointment with a formerly phobic friend who really understood what I was going through. We met at a pet store and my friend went to ask the clerk to bring out a tarantula. I stood with my back pressed to the door of the pet store, hyperventilating and crying. When the clerk had the spider in place (in what looked like a Tupperware container, in a separate room with a big window) my friend waved me up the isle. I started to cry worse, in fact I was hyperventilating and sobbing loudly as I walked up the isle. I must have looked like I was getting weak, because my friend put out his hand to steady me. I bet he's sorry he did that. I grabbed his hand, and never let go until it was time to leave the store.
When I got to the window, there it was. An enormous, grey, hairy spider inside this container. The only thing that saved me was shear determination (and the gecko and the cute kitty that were in the same room that I kept averting my gaze toward!). I was in spider hell! But I wasn't giving up. I wish I could have been a fly on the wall for this. I cried almost the whole time. I talked to the spider (I don't think I said nice things) and I would not leave until I was good and ready. I kept telling that spider that he wasn't going to win this battle. My friend kept telling me we could leave, and I kept saying no. I was going to win if it killed me. I suspect it nearly did!
After about 10 minutes, I decided I was ready to leave. I have to admit, I have never been so happy to leave a single spot in my whole life. But I have also never been more proud, elated, excited, uplifted...GET A THESAURUS...I NEED TO GO ON!!! It was the greatest accomplishment of my entire life. I felt like I was 10 feet tall. I was shaking and soaked in sweat and my face was a mess from all the crying, but I was, at that moment, the greatest person who ever lived!!! HAHA! Take that spider! HA!
I am proud to say that spiders only even crossed my mind a few times while I was in Africa, and I didn't see even one!
Don't get me wrong, I don't love spiders now. And occasionally I get stuck behind a glass door because there's a big juicy one on the outside and I can't get by. But, I can take matters into my hands most of the time now. I still brag about it almost daily!
Believe me. If I can get over this, there is no fear that cannot be conquered. I try to remind myself of this any time I am feeling like I can't defeat something...anything. It just takes determination, focus, a big ole' set of kahunas, and some supportive friends. In this case, I was very fortunate to have all of these things.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
I need a bigger wagon!
I am off the wagon this week, and I am not happy about it. And I don't just mean the eating wagon...although I am off that one too. I am off the self-discipline wagon, the positive thinking wagon, the staying on purpose wagon...I need seat belts on these things!
I think it all stems from a big disappointment this week. There is a huge event this week that I have to miss. I am missing it for a very, VERY good reason, but I can't seem to get my head out of my butt about it. And I am letting it get me down, in spite of my better judgement.
The event I am missing is for my business. It's something really important. Something I have been working toward and looking forward too. Not once in a lifetime, but once in a long time. But here's my reason...and once I write it down, you're going to say..."get your head out of your butt"...and I promise I am trying. Really.
Since my father's illness this past winter, he has developed an almost-paralyzing fear of being alone. Sadly, in spite of enormous improvements in his health, he is convinced of his imminent death, and loathes being along. Even if Mom is in the house, but in another room, Dad will say, "it's pretty lonely in here" and Mom will go sit with him and keep him company.
The other half of the story is that Mom has been going to "girls camp" with her friends for a week EVERY summer for more than 30 years. This year she doesn't even want to go for the whole week because she doesn't want to be away from Dad. But a couple of weeks ago she excitedly told me she did want to go for one night for a special theme dinner. She and a few of her friends will prepare a Hawaiian themed dinner, they'll dress in crazy costumes, play funny music and dance and laugh like crazy. In every past year I can remember, Mom has come home from "girls camp" with no voice from laughing and being silly until all hours every night for a whole week! She looks forward to it all year.
When she first told me she was going for one night, I was so excited for her, and immediately offered to "dad-sit" so she could stay at the camp overnight...as long as is wasn't this one important night on which I wasn't available. I think you can guess the rest...it's THE night. I originally said I couldn't do it, and Mom was completely fine with that. I wasn't. I was miserable for the next few hours, then realized how completely ridiculous I was being. I decided to give up my night so Mom could have hers. Don't get me wrong...this is not great martyr act. I have lots of "MY" nights in the past several months. Mom has none. I think it's pretty much high time I took some of the load. And I DO NOT regret my decision.
The problem is, while consciously I am looking at this as a chance to celebrate Dad's life, I can't seem to stop with the cloud over my head this week. It hasn't been that long since I didn't think Dad would live to see this day, let alone want to spend it with me. I am so grateful for his life and his improved health! So why can't I stop with the selfish feelings and just experience the joy that comes with having him in my life.
So I have let all this manifest itself to all this wagon abandonment. I've had two hamburgers this week, and it's only Tuesday...And that's not all...but I am not confessing to any more! I have given up control over my self-discipline (which I had been doing so well with) and I have become pretty lazy. I am trying to turn it into a lesson, and I at least think I am being successful with that.
First: I don't like feeling this way, so once I get myself out of this slump, I will try to remember why I don't like being here.
Second: I am trying to remind myself of all the self-righteous things I would say to other people if they came to me with the same problems. It kind of makes me want to have an out-of-body experience just long enough to see myself fall and chip a tooth! :)
Third: With every disappointment there is an opportunity. I have many here. I can remind myself that my family is more important than anything.
Fourth: I can use it to keep me from taking Dad's health for granted. I don't see him every day, so I don't know the challenges he still faces, so I forget there are still many. I will try to use the day to become more compassionate and look for more opportunities to help him cope.
This is a great reminder for me that it's all part of the journey. My life is so wonderful...It's never been better, but it can never be perfect. Without challenge there can be no growth. It's been Dad who's told me all my life that anything worth having is worth working for. I am grateful for my positive attitude and outlook, but it can't always come naturally. This is a small challenge. My commitment to myself is to turn it into something good, stop my stupid pouting and be ever-grateful that I get to spend a wonderful day with my wonderful father.
I think it all stems from a big disappointment this week. There is a huge event this week that I have to miss. I am missing it for a very, VERY good reason, but I can't seem to get my head out of my butt about it. And I am letting it get me down, in spite of my better judgement.
The event I am missing is for my business. It's something really important. Something I have been working toward and looking forward too. Not once in a lifetime, but once in a long time. But here's my reason...and once I write it down, you're going to say..."get your head out of your butt"...and I promise I am trying. Really.
Since my father's illness this past winter, he has developed an almost-paralyzing fear of being alone. Sadly, in spite of enormous improvements in his health, he is convinced of his imminent death, and loathes being along. Even if Mom is in the house, but in another room, Dad will say, "it's pretty lonely in here" and Mom will go sit with him and keep him company.
The other half of the story is that Mom has been going to "girls camp" with her friends for a week EVERY summer for more than 30 years. This year she doesn't even want to go for the whole week because she doesn't want to be away from Dad. But a couple of weeks ago she excitedly told me she did want to go for one night for a special theme dinner. She and a few of her friends will prepare a Hawaiian themed dinner, they'll dress in crazy costumes, play funny music and dance and laugh like crazy. In every past year I can remember, Mom has come home from "girls camp" with no voice from laughing and being silly until all hours every night for a whole week! She looks forward to it all year.
When she first told me she was going for one night, I was so excited for her, and immediately offered to "dad-sit" so she could stay at the camp overnight...as long as is wasn't this one important night on which I wasn't available. I think you can guess the rest...it's THE night. I originally said I couldn't do it, and Mom was completely fine with that. I wasn't. I was miserable for the next few hours, then realized how completely ridiculous I was being. I decided to give up my night so Mom could have hers. Don't get me wrong...this is not great martyr act. I have lots of "MY" nights in the past several months. Mom has none. I think it's pretty much high time I took some of the load. And I DO NOT regret my decision.
The problem is, while consciously I am looking at this as a chance to celebrate Dad's life, I can't seem to stop with the cloud over my head this week. It hasn't been that long since I didn't think Dad would live to see this day, let alone want to spend it with me. I am so grateful for his life and his improved health! So why can't I stop with the selfish feelings and just experience the joy that comes with having him in my life.
So I have let all this manifest itself to all this wagon abandonment. I've had two hamburgers this week, and it's only Tuesday...And that's not all...but I am not confessing to any more! I have given up control over my self-discipline (which I had been doing so well with) and I have become pretty lazy. I am trying to turn it into a lesson, and I at least think I am being successful with that.
First: I don't like feeling this way, so once I get myself out of this slump, I will try to remember why I don't like being here.
Second: I am trying to remind myself of all the self-righteous things I would say to other people if they came to me with the same problems. It kind of makes me want to have an out-of-body experience just long enough to see myself fall and chip a tooth! :)
Third: With every disappointment there is an opportunity. I have many here. I can remind myself that my family is more important than anything.
Fourth: I can use it to keep me from taking Dad's health for granted. I don't see him every day, so I don't know the challenges he still faces, so I forget there are still many. I will try to use the day to become more compassionate and look for more opportunities to help him cope.
This is a great reminder for me that it's all part of the journey. My life is so wonderful...It's never been better, but it can never be perfect. Without challenge there can be no growth. It's been Dad who's told me all my life that anything worth having is worth working for. I am grateful for my positive attitude and outlook, but it can't always come naturally. This is a small challenge. My commitment to myself is to turn it into something good, stop my stupid pouting and be ever-grateful that I get to spend a wonderful day with my wonderful father.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Life begins when you want it to!
So, I have survived my 41st year. I had planned to write this on the eve of my 41st birthday, but I was in Reno having a little too much fun. But I have been reflecting since; birthdays will do that...especially the ones after 40!
Does life really begin at 40? It did for me in many ways, but for heavens' sake, don't wait if you're not already there. My mom always says, " You can't always wait for your ship to come in, sometimes you have to swim out and meet it!" I have done a lot of swimming in the past year. And a lot of treading water. The bottom line is, here I am, and I have never been happier or felt more in control of my life. Here's what's different:
I have opened up my eyes and my mind. I was raised to do what "normal" people do, think what "normal" people think...just be normal! I have been rebelling against that all my life, but now I know what it really means not to settle for normal. It doesn't just mean having spiky green hair and tattoos or listening to crazy music or dancing in the mall if I feel like it...although those are all great things if they make you happy! It means looking at life in ways that other people may think is a little outside the box. It's taking action no matter what other people think. It's taking risks even though there have been epic failures in the past. It's focusing on what you want and going for it even if people think it's crazy. I'm crazy like a fox, baby...If you're not with me, I'll call you when I get there! I must warn you though, you'll be jealous!
I have learned I will never live vicariously through anyone...EVER! People have been living vicariously through me on some level for years and years. I had retreated to a place where I thought I would have to do the same some day. I thought, well, I'm getting a little older, time to let someone else to all the crazy stuff. No way, Jose! I vow to only live vicariously through MYSELF! So some of the crazy stuff isn't as important any more...I just plan to do new crazy stuff. Priorities change, the desire to take risks and live on the edge doesn't. I have always believed if I wasn't living on the edge I was taking up too much space. Well, the edge is just in a different place now!
I think about my mortality more often...not in an "Oh my gosh I'm going to die" kind of way, but a "Have I done what I want to" kind of way. I think more about what I want to accomplish with my life. I think about the failures sometimes, but ONLY to remind myself that I have been fortunate that my eyes have opened and I can change things. It's a little like a second chance at life, and I plan to do it up right this time!
I try to love more. I always considered myself affectionate, but I am turning it up a notch. Imagine if the people you loved went around not knowing about it!!! How awful! I take more time to share affection and love now. I tell the people I love that I love them more often. I hug more and touch more. I look into people's eyes more and the things I see are truly amazing!
I actually used to think, "why try to pack so much into life...I'm just going to die anyway"...boy was that the lazy way out! I don't want to get to the end of this beautiful life and wonder why I didn't try to do more. I want to be able to spend my time counting my blessings not my regrets. I want to smile and give thanks for all of the things I have experienced and all the people I have loved. Let's face it, we don't know what comes next...may as well make this shot the best, just in case! :)
I have learned to dream again. I used to be a HUGE dreamer...but I let failure take all of that away. I know I can do anything, I have proven it to myself many times, I just needed to start believing it again. As I write this, I am looking at a digital picture frame on my desk which is scrolling pictures of my trip to Africa. That was a dream so huge that when I was in Egypt someone asked me where I wanted my next big trip to be and I almost said Egypt! I was there and I didn't even believe it! My dreams get bigger every day and I love it!
Life is so precious. I have been blessed with 41 years of it. Here's to 41 more and everything I can possibly squeeze into it!
Does life really begin at 40? It did for me in many ways, but for heavens' sake, don't wait if you're not already there. My mom always says, " You can't always wait for your ship to come in, sometimes you have to swim out and meet it!" I have done a lot of swimming in the past year. And a lot of treading water. The bottom line is, here I am, and I have never been happier or felt more in control of my life. Here's what's different:
I have opened up my eyes and my mind. I was raised to do what "normal" people do, think what "normal" people think...just be normal! I have been rebelling against that all my life, but now I know what it really means not to settle for normal. It doesn't just mean having spiky green hair and tattoos or listening to crazy music or dancing in the mall if I feel like it...although those are all great things if they make you happy! It means looking at life in ways that other people may think is a little outside the box. It's taking action no matter what other people think. It's taking risks even though there have been epic failures in the past. It's focusing on what you want and going for it even if people think it's crazy. I'm crazy like a fox, baby...If you're not with me, I'll call you when I get there! I must warn you though, you'll be jealous!
I have learned I will never live vicariously through anyone...EVER! People have been living vicariously through me on some level for years and years. I had retreated to a place where I thought I would have to do the same some day. I thought, well, I'm getting a little older, time to let someone else to all the crazy stuff. No way, Jose! I vow to only live vicariously through MYSELF! So some of the crazy stuff isn't as important any more...I just plan to do new crazy stuff. Priorities change, the desire to take risks and live on the edge doesn't. I have always believed if I wasn't living on the edge I was taking up too much space. Well, the edge is just in a different place now!
I think about my mortality more often...not in an "Oh my gosh I'm going to die" kind of way, but a "Have I done what I want to" kind of way. I think more about what I want to accomplish with my life. I think about the failures sometimes, but ONLY to remind myself that I have been fortunate that my eyes have opened and I can change things. It's a little like a second chance at life, and I plan to do it up right this time!
I try to love more. I always considered myself affectionate, but I am turning it up a notch. Imagine if the people you loved went around not knowing about it!!! How awful! I take more time to share affection and love now. I tell the people I love that I love them more often. I hug more and touch more. I look into people's eyes more and the things I see are truly amazing!
I actually used to think, "why try to pack so much into life...I'm just going to die anyway"...boy was that the lazy way out! I don't want to get to the end of this beautiful life and wonder why I didn't try to do more. I want to be able to spend my time counting my blessings not my regrets. I want to smile and give thanks for all of the things I have experienced and all the people I have loved. Let's face it, we don't know what comes next...may as well make this shot the best, just in case! :)
I have learned to dream again. I used to be a HUGE dreamer...but I let failure take all of that away. I know I can do anything, I have proven it to myself many times, I just needed to start believing it again. As I write this, I am looking at a digital picture frame on my desk which is scrolling pictures of my trip to Africa. That was a dream so huge that when I was in Egypt someone asked me where I wanted my next big trip to be and I almost said Egypt! I was there and I didn't even believe it! My dreams get bigger every day and I love it!
Life is so precious. I have been blessed with 41 years of it. Here's to 41 more and everything I can possibly squeeze into it!
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
The truth will set me free??? Are you sure???
This is something I have been thinking about doing since I started writing a blog, but it's going to be very painful. I'm going to tell the truth. Don't get your hopes up...I'm not about to say I am really a man or that I'm from an other planet! I'm going to talk about my weight. Ugh!
Talking about weight is never fun when you have to much of it. When I was thin, I loved to talk about it...ALL THE TIME!!! Not so much anymore. The nicest thing anyone has ever called me was "skinny bitch"...that was back in my body building days when people would also tell me I should consider eating a hamburger once in a while. I often wonder if those same people see me now and think "enough with the hamburgers already!"
I'm procrastinating, but I'll get to it.
When I went away to modelling school at 18, I went on a crazy crash diet where I ate only green stuff and water for weeks to get down to 118 lbs. I was still considered a little chubby for a model, but it was a start! Jeez...
When I came home from modelling school, I packed on a few lbs, and when I got married in 1991, I weighed 150lbs.
The next thing I remember was ballooning up to 180 or so...then I moved to Calgary in 2000 and went down to 150 again.
Then I came home and went up to about 197. Then I went into body building and marathon running at the same time and slimmed down to a very muscular 137.
I maintained for about a year and I was very happy. So happy in fact, that I started eating in the spring of 2005 and I haven't stopped yet.
Are you read for it...it's coming up.
The only thing that's giving me the courage to put my current weight out there for all to see is that other things I have written in this blog have really empowered me. Also it will make me accountable, and maybe it will help someone else realize it might be time to take a long hard look in the mirror.
So here it is...my current weight...aw jeez...who's idea was this anyway...all right...here goes...
247.5lbs
...........O.K...while I catch my breath and recover from that, perhaps you would like to take a moment to consider how much that hurt. Consider jabbing a sharp pencil into your left eye. That should about cover it...
That was horrible, and not entirely liberating, but there are reasons I wanted to record that horror here.
First, I am getting on track to reverse the damage. My health, besides my weight is perfect, blood pressure, cholesterol, blood sugars...all PERFECT! (thank you HEALTHY CHOCOLATE...yes, that was a shameless plug) Now I am tackling this weight thing head on. I want my record of my weight here not to terrorize me, but to motivate me to make sure the next time I post it for all the world to see, I have good news!
Also, I want to look at it as just a number, and surely a silly number isn't going to win the battle against the newly improved me??? Nooohhooohhhooooo....
I realize there are much worse things I could be dealing with in my life than weight issues. Illness of any number of varieties, the death of a loved one, poverty, hunger...the list really does go on. But let's face it, millions of us are fighting the fat battle, and it sucks.
I talk about my weight incessantly. I always bring it up, make a joke, ask if I should go into that store because I doubt they sell MY size, complain that I have trouble painting my own toe nails. Is that some silly defense mechanism? I assume so. But boy, how dumb is that. I'm pretty sure you just have to look at me to be aware that I'm not missing many meals.
Do I hate to post my weight here because I think someone is going to see it and say, "heavens, she IS big. I liked her so much more when she was thin".
Do I think the wonderful man in my life is going to stop loving me because there's an ugly number written on this page. He has seen me at my best and my worst and he loves me no matter what. I'm a lucky girl.
Urghhhh...so what's the deal??? Why do I feel like the ugliest girl in the room even when I'm all dolled up and looking my best? Why do I assume people are going to like my thinner friends more than they'll like me? Why do I assume I am viewed like an ogre when I'm in a group of smaller people? Why does a woman with my talents, personality and love of life allow weight to cast such an ugly shadow over it all???? Why on earth do I either run from people who knew me as a smaller person, or sweat like the pig that knows he's dinner when I have no choice but to talk to those people? Why do I think an invitation to a pool party is like an invitation to a firing squad??? Why, why, why??? And the biggest why...WHY ON EARTH DO I CONTINUE TO EAT LIKE IT'S A CURE FOR FAT!!!????
So there it is. The ugly truth. Believe me, that was not fun. But in six months when I look back at this post, I will see where I was and how far I have come (or not?) and use it as a reference. The hope is that putting this all in writing will help to ensure that after those six months I will be able to say it worked.
So many other things are changing in my life. I am involved in wonderful things! I have so many things to be grateful for. My new plan is to focus on those things, and try to let my weight take care of itself. The law of attraction would say, "no wonder you're fat, dummy...it's all you focus on!" So watch out, fat...you're next!
Talking about weight is never fun when you have to much of it. When I was thin, I loved to talk about it...ALL THE TIME!!! Not so much anymore. The nicest thing anyone has ever called me was "skinny bitch"...that was back in my body building days when people would also tell me I should consider eating a hamburger once in a while. I often wonder if those same people see me now and think "enough with the hamburgers already!"
I'm procrastinating, but I'll get to it.
When I went away to modelling school at 18, I went on a crazy crash diet where I ate only green stuff and water for weeks to get down to 118 lbs. I was still considered a little chubby for a model, but it was a start! Jeez...
When I came home from modelling school, I packed on a few lbs, and when I got married in 1991, I weighed 150lbs.
The next thing I remember was ballooning up to 180 or so...then I moved to Calgary in 2000 and went down to 150 again.
Then I came home and went up to about 197. Then I went into body building and marathon running at the same time and slimmed down to a very muscular 137.
I maintained for about a year and I was very happy. So happy in fact, that I started eating in the spring of 2005 and I haven't stopped yet.
Are you read for it...it's coming up.
The only thing that's giving me the courage to put my current weight out there for all to see is that other things I have written in this blog have really empowered me. Also it will make me accountable, and maybe it will help someone else realize it might be time to take a long hard look in the mirror.
So here it is...my current weight...aw jeez...who's idea was this anyway...all right...here goes...
247.5lbs
...........O.K...while I catch my breath and recover from that, perhaps you would like to take a moment to consider how much that hurt. Consider jabbing a sharp pencil into your left eye. That should about cover it...
That was horrible, and not entirely liberating, but there are reasons I wanted to record that horror here.
First, I am getting on track to reverse the damage. My health, besides my weight is perfect, blood pressure, cholesterol, blood sugars...all PERFECT! (thank you HEALTHY CHOCOLATE...yes, that was a shameless plug) Now I am tackling this weight thing head on. I want my record of my weight here not to terrorize me, but to motivate me to make sure the next time I post it for all the world to see, I have good news!
Also, I want to look at it as just a number, and surely a silly number isn't going to win the battle against the newly improved me??? Nooohhooohhhooooo....
I realize there are much worse things I could be dealing with in my life than weight issues. Illness of any number of varieties, the death of a loved one, poverty, hunger...the list really does go on. But let's face it, millions of us are fighting the fat battle, and it sucks.
I talk about my weight incessantly. I always bring it up, make a joke, ask if I should go into that store because I doubt they sell MY size, complain that I have trouble painting my own toe nails. Is that some silly defense mechanism? I assume so. But boy, how dumb is that. I'm pretty sure you just have to look at me to be aware that I'm not missing many meals.
Do I hate to post my weight here because I think someone is going to see it and say, "heavens, she IS big. I liked her so much more when she was thin".
Do I think the wonderful man in my life is going to stop loving me because there's an ugly number written on this page. He has seen me at my best and my worst and he loves me no matter what. I'm a lucky girl.
Urghhhh...so what's the deal??? Why do I feel like the ugliest girl in the room even when I'm all dolled up and looking my best? Why do I assume people are going to like my thinner friends more than they'll like me? Why do I assume I am viewed like an ogre when I'm in a group of smaller people? Why does a woman with my talents, personality and love of life allow weight to cast such an ugly shadow over it all???? Why on earth do I either run from people who knew me as a smaller person, or sweat like the pig that knows he's dinner when I have no choice but to talk to those people? Why do I think an invitation to a pool party is like an invitation to a firing squad??? Why, why, why??? And the biggest why...WHY ON EARTH DO I CONTINUE TO EAT LIKE IT'S A CURE FOR FAT!!!????
So there it is. The ugly truth. Believe me, that was not fun. But in six months when I look back at this post, I will see where I was and how far I have come (or not?) and use it as a reference. The hope is that putting this all in writing will help to ensure that after those six months I will be able to say it worked.
So many other things are changing in my life. I am involved in wonderful things! I have so many things to be grateful for. My new plan is to focus on those things, and try to let my weight take care of itself. The law of attraction would say, "no wonder you're fat, dummy...it's all you focus on!" So watch out, fat...you're next!
Thursday, May 28, 2009
In Search of Balance
No clever title, no musical reference, not even a smiley face...just the truth. How on earth does one find balance?
Remember when we were kids and learning to stand on one foot or on your head was so fun? And learning to ride a bike or skate? We didn't even know what we were doing, but ultimately we were looking for a way to balance.
Later, when I started teaching fitness, I talked a lot about balance, and how having it can save your life. Not only does practicing physical balance strengthen your core, but it can keep you on your feet when a fall could be devastating.
But how often to we think about life balance. I think about it all the time lately, and I am quickly learning the answers can be hard to find.
I recently read something very interesting (which I will probably mis-quote, since I am famous for that!). It went something like this...when an eagle loses a feather on it's right wing, it sheds one on it's left wing for the sake of balance. Powerful.
My journey thus far has brought me more joy than I imagined it would when I began. My heart is so full of love, sometimes it feels like it will burst. I feel like there's a ball of light in the centre of my body that never goes out. It's amazing, and I want more.
The difficulty though is balance.
I am currently working my day job which drags me out of bed before 4 every morning. (some days not much before 4, but that's irrelevant!) It's a wonderful job that I share with a group of amazing people. We have so much fun that some days I think it should be illegal. When your co-workers are some of your favourite people in the world, it sure makes it easier not to beat the hell our of your alarm clock every day!
Add to this my new business which I love so much it's almost hard to articulate!
The balance problem is this. I am almost ALWAYS doing one or the other. And even though I love them both, it doesn't leave time for much else. And I am losing my patience for things outside this little workaholic box I live in! (by the way, if I'm a workaholic, does that mean I drink too much workahol? Never mind...) If people aren't on the same wave length as I am, I sometimes tune out. My mind is always working, and I haven't learned how to set it aside long enough to enjoy myself. I can't let my phone go to voice mail long enough to enjoy an evening with my love or my family!!!
Now don't get me wrong, I don't think I have turned into a curmudgeon just yet. But I am actively seeking this balance before that happens! I need to be able to share this happiness I feel with everyone without putting up any walls, and I haven't figured out how to do that yet. I need to learn to relax and enjoy the things that are happening in my life. There are so many roses out there and I want to learn to smell as many of them as I can. Patience is not a virtue I possess, so if this could all just HAPPEN RIGHT NOW that would be great! :)
I am working toward something great. Toward a time when I will have the freedom to smell more roses. When I will have the financial and time balance to really enjoy everything I am learning. But what if I get hit by a bus tomorrow? How do you live like you were dying when you don't make the time? How do you work to improve tomorrow without missing out on today?
I have so much to learn. And I know that's part of the journey, but I don't like learning...I just want to KNOW. Vulcan mind melt anyone?
Usually these stories come with a nice moral and a bow on top. Not this one. I just hope by putting it into words it will help me recognize what I am striving for and learn to focus on what really matters.
Which brings up a brief backtrack to my last entry. Since I wrote about my STICKTUITIVENESS issues, I find they don't have the same power over me! It's very exciting. This blogging thing is even more powerful than I thought!
Remember when we were kids and learning to stand on one foot or on your head was so fun? And learning to ride a bike or skate? We didn't even know what we were doing, but ultimately we were looking for a way to balance.
Later, when I started teaching fitness, I talked a lot about balance, and how having it can save your life. Not only does practicing physical balance strengthen your core, but it can keep you on your feet when a fall could be devastating.
But how often to we think about life balance. I think about it all the time lately, and I am quickly learning the answers can be hard to find.
I recently read something very interesting (which I will probably mis-quote, since I am famous for that!). It went something like this...when an eagle loses a feather on it's right wing, it sheds one on it's left wing for the sake of balance. Powerful.
My journey thus far has brought me more joy than I imagined it would when I began. My heart is so full of love, sometimes it feels like it will burst. I feel like there's a ball of light in the centre of my body that never goes out. It's amazing, and I want more.
The difficulty though is balance.
I am currently working my day job which drags me out of bed before 4 every morning. (some days not much before 4, but that's irrelevant!) It's a wonderful job that I share with a group of amazing people. We have so much fun that some days I think it should be illegal. When your co-workers are some of your favourite people in the world, it sure makes it easier not to beat the hell our of your alarm clock every day!
Add to this my new business which I love so much it's almost hard to articulate!
The balance problem is this. I am almost ALWAYS doing one or the other. And even though I love them both, it doesn't leave time for much else. And I am losing my patience for things outside this little workaholic box I live in! (by the way, if I'm a workaholic, does that mean I drink too much workahol? Never mind...) If people aren't on the same wave length as I am, I sometimes tune out. My mind is always working, and I haven't learned how to set it aside long enough to enjoy myself. I can't let my phone go to voice mail long enough to enjoy an evening with my love or my family!!!
Now don't get me wrong, I don't think I have turned into a curmudgeon just yet. But I am actively seeking this balance before that happens! I need to be able to share this happiness I feel with everyone without putting up any walls, and I haven't figured out how to do that yet. I need to learn to relax and enjoy the things that are happening in my life. There are so many roses out there and I want to learn to smell as many of them as I can. Patience is not a virtue I possess, so if this could all just HAPPEN RIGHT NOW that would be great! :)
I am working toward something great. Toward a time when I will have the freedom to smell more roses. When I will have the financial and time balance to really enjoy everything I am learning. But what if I get hit by a bus tomorrow? How do you live like you were dying when you don't make the time? How do you work to improve tomorrow without missing out on today?
I have so much to learn. And I know that's part of the journey, but I don't like learning...I just want to KNOW. Vulcan mind melt anyone?
Usually these stories come with a nice moral and a bow on top. Not this one. I just hope by putting it into words it will help me recognize what I am striving for and learn to focus on what really matters.
Which brings up a brief backtrack to my last entry. Since I wrote about my STICKTUITIVENESS issues, I find they don't have the same power over me! It's very exciting. This blogging thing is even more powerful than I thought!
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Dr. Phil says...
OK...so in spite of the title, you would have to hold a gun to my head to watch a whole episode of the Dr. Phil show. Smart guy, but after the Britney Spears incident I was out. But there is something he always says that has been ringing true for me lately..."How's that workin' for ya?" (he also says "all over that like ducks on a June bug", which I think is hilarious, but it doesn't apply here!)
When I embarked on this particular journey to enlightment, inner-peace...the life I always thought was meant for others, it was like every other journey I have ever started. I was gung-ho! Rarin' to go! Make a few adjustments and TA-DA! I'm a new woman. Well, anyone with a clue knows nothing is ever that simple...certainly not changing your life. So, here's where I am now. The TA-DA is over, and I have made some adjustments, but guess what, I'm the same girl in so many ways. I have a different attitude about many things, but doubt still exists. Imagine!
One of my biggest character flaws (according to me, at least!) has always been my lack something I like to call "STICKTUITIVENESS". I love it because it's not a real word, but it's fun to say. It's not necessarily a good way to live one's live though. I have started a million and one things with world-class gusto and quit them with world-class laziness over the years. When the going gets tough, I get excited about something completely different! I'm talking everything from Girl Guides to flute lessons to business and even to marriage. When I took up figure skating at the tender age of 21 I thought it was a dream come true! I wasn't going to become an athlete, but I would learn the basics and skate forever! That lasted about 8 months! When I took up painting at 35, I painted hundreds of sheets of the same stroke, over and over just to learn how the brushes and colours worked. I painted for hours and hours just to produce splashes of paint that I could recognize as something! That actually lasted a few years...I haven't touched a paint brush in over a year. Acting was going to be HUGE! I haven't done that in two years...I won't go on...you probably get the picture.
So, here I am in the midst of all of this change. It's a change that I have initiated and one that I started with all the gusto I used in all of those other challenges. This was it! The very thing! I'd been looking for this all my life! So off I go, tell the world I am a new woman and my life is really beginning at 40 just as I suspected! And then the ghosts of non-STICKTUITIVENESS come to haunt. Following through is just not the way I do things. STOP! ENOUGH ALREADY!
As Dr. Phil would say, "How's that workin' for ya?" Well, the first 40 years of my life have been pretty good, but I haven't stayed with anything in all that time...except maybe for breathing. I've heard it said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Well I am living proof that it doesn't work. If I expect to change, I have to change the way I think. If I can't stick to anything, how can I change my life. If I give up on this too, how am I going to make my life any better, learn to love more, grow spiritually and intellectually and earn the lifestyle I know I am worth??? I can't, right? It took 40 years to prove it, what more evidence do I need.
So I am sticking to it! Oddly enough, it's not as easy as it seemed at first, but anything worth having is worth working for, right?! And what could be more worth it than a full life that I love instead of one that is just o.k.? So I'm sticking to it. I am surrounding myself with the glue I need: supportive friends, prosperity-minded, positive people and the inspirational books that have become so important to keeping me on track. Change isn't easy. If it were, people would do it all the time. Maybe I would have done it years ago. But I am doing it now. And I have to remind myself how hard I have worked to get this far, and how much higher the quality of my life is. Turning back now seems a lot like quitting. It took 40 years (o.k. ALMOST 41) for me to develop my STICKTUITIVENESS gene, I'm not stopping now!
When I embarked on this particular journey to enlightment, inner-peace...the life I always thought was meant for others, it was like every other journey I have ever started. I was gung-ho! Rarin' to go! Make a few adjustments and TA-DA! I'm a new woman. Well, anyone with a clue knows nothing is ever that simple...certainly not changing your life. So, here's where I am now. The TA-DA is over, and I have made some adjustments, but guess what, I'm the same girl in so many ways. I have a different attitude about many things, but doubt still exists. Imagine!
One of my biggest character flaws (according to me, at least!) has always been my lack something I like to call "STICKTUITIVENESS". I love it because it's not a real word, but it's fun to say. It's not necessarily a good way to live one's live though. I have started a million and one things with world-class gusto and quit them with world-class laziness over the years. When the going gets tough, I get excited about something completely different! I'm talking everything from Girl Guides to flute lessons to business and even to marriage. When I took up figure skating at the tender age of 21 I thought it was a dream come true! I wasn't going to become an athlete, but I would learn the basics and skate forever! That lasted about 8 months! When I took up painting at 35, I painted hundreds of sheets of the same stroke, over and over just to learn how the brushes and colours worked. I painted for hours and hours just to produce splashes of paint that I could recognize as something! That actually lasted a few years...I haven't touched a paint brush in over a year. Acting was going to be HUGE! I haven't done that in two years...I won't go on...you probably get the picture.
So, here I am in the midst of all of this change. It's a change that I have initiated and one that I started with all the gusto I used in all of those other challenges. This was it! The very thing! I'd been looking for this all my life! So off I go, tell the world I am a new woman and my life is really beginning at 40 just as I suspected! And then the ghosts of non-STICKTUITIVENESS come to haunt. Following through is just not the way I do things. STOP! ENOUGH ALREADY!
As Dr. Phil would say, "How's that workin' for ya?" Well, the first 40 years of my life have been pretty good, but I haven't stayed with anything in all that time...except maybe for breathing. I've heard it said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Well I am living proof that it doesn't work. If I expect to change, I have to change the way I think. If I can't stick to anything, how can I change my life. If I give up on this too, how am I going to make my life any better, learn to love more, grow spiritually and intellectually and earn the lifestyle I know I am worth??? I can't, right? It took 40 years to prove it, what more evidence do I need.
So I am sticking to it! Oddly enough, it's not as easy as it seemed at first, but anything worth having is worth working for, right?! And what could be more worth it than a full life that I love instead of one that is just o.k.? So I'm sticking to it. I am surrounding myself with the glue I need: supportive friends, prosperity-minded, positive people and the inspirational books that have become so important to keeping me on track. Change isn't easy. If it were, people would do it all the time. Maybe I would have done it years ago. But I am doing it now. And I have to remind myself how hard I have worked to get this far, and how much higher the quality of my life is. Turning back now seems a lot like quitting. It took 40 years (o.k. ALMOST 41) for me to develop my STICKTUITIVENESS gene, I'm not stopping now!
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Shave and a Hair Cut...two bits!
O.K...so we don't actually have to talk about the shave. A girl has to have SOME secrets! But I did get a hair cut today. I make a conscious effort not to use the word hate, but I HATE getting my hair cut. I have an unhealthy love for my hair. I think of it as a bit of a Sampson complex...you know the biblical character who got his strength from his hair! Actually it's probably just vanity. When I was young I had very boyish features, and I was always the tallest kid around, so when I had short hair I was mistaken for a boy...Of course in those days I thought that meant I looked like I had cooties! Ew!
So anyway. I have found a wonderful stylist who gets that I am not one of those lucky women who loves to spend lots of money to be pampered. Wash, condition, treat, lovingly cut and style and look like you just walked off a movie screen when you walk out the door. Yuck! Just cut my damn hair and let me go. Too expensive, time-consuming, and there is the whole thing about cutting my precious hair! True story...I used to go to a new stylist, get in the chair and say, "Do you have children?" If the stylist said yes, I would say "Well you should know that I love my hair more than you love your children. Now go ahead!" I only had to say that to my current stylist once, and now she apologizes every time she has to cut off more than a millimetre. She cuts my hair dry, and sends me on my way.
Did I mention I got my hair cut today? I mean really cut! No REALLY! At least four inches of my prized hair! My fault, and here comes the relevance...
I have been colouring my own hair for years...there's that vanity thing again...I will be blonde 'til I die! I always had great success, and I've had many stylists tell me that my hair is very healthy (maybe they were just afraid of me...can't say I blame them!). Well, a couple of weeks ago I fried my poor tortured locks. Deep fried, charbroiled, burned to a crisp. What a mess. When it's wet, it feels like mud, and when it's dry, it looks a little like mud...is there blonde mud? Well, anyway. I confessed to my stylist and made an appointment for a cut.
As I reflect on my life on my new journey, I look at things so much differently than before, and try to relate to things in a new way. So I looked at all that dry crinkled hair on the floor, and thought about the last 13 years or so of my life. It compares beautifully and puts things into perspective in a way I had never considered before.
There was this hair, no longer any good to me, removed from my head to make way for beautiful hair underneath to grow and develop. I had done things to ruin it, I take responsibility for that. But none of it matters now. That hair is under another pile of hair in a garbage can at the salon by now. It's of no use to me, except that I have learned a lesson about playing computer games while I have colour on my hair! It's gone, no sense crying over it. I walked away from it in the salon, and while I may think about it every time I run a brush through my hair for the next few days, I know it has shaped my new style which is going to be so much better in the end.
So goes the events of my life in the past years. I have been the cause of many of the things that led me on the wrong path. I take responsibility. And I have mourned for far too long. And why? It's no good to me any more, and what's underneath is becoming so much more beautiful. I am learning not to shove my life into a ponytail to hide the split ends anymore. I made a mess, I cleaned it up, and now I am moving on.
Besides...I have a bag on my dresser with beautiful 20 inch hair extensions as my plan "B". Just like I have a heart inside that's learning to make my life more beautiful than even the finest hair could ever be!
So anyway. I have found a wonderful stylist who gets that I am not one of those lucky women who loves to spend lots of money to be pampered. Wash, condition, treat, lovingly cut and style and look like you just walked off a movie screen when you walk out the door. Yuck! Just cut my damn hair and let me go. Too expensive, time-consuming, and there is the whole thing about cutting my precious hair! True story...I used to go to a new stylist, get in the chair and say, "Do you have children?" If the stylist said yes, I would say "Well you should know that I love my hair more than you love your children. Now go ahead!" I only had to say that to my current stylist once, and now she apologizes every time she has to cut off more than a millimetre. She cuts my hair dry, and sends me on my way.
Did I mention I got my hair cut today? I mean really cut! No REALLY! At least four inches of my prized hair! My fault, and here comes the relevance...
I have been colouring my own hair for years...there's that vanity thing again...I will be blonde 'til I die! I always had great success, and I've had many stylists tell me that my hair is very healthy (maybe they were just afraid of me...can't say I blame them!). Well, a couple of weeks ago I fried my poor tortured locks. Deep fried, charbroiled, burned to a crisp. What a mess. When it's wet, it feels like mud, and when it's dry, it looks a little like mud...is there blonde mud? Well, anyway. I confessed to my stylist and made an appointment for a cut.
As I reflect on my life on my new journey, I look at things so much differently than before, and try to relate to things in a new way. So I looked at all that dry crinkled hair on the floor, and thought about the last 13 years or so of my life. It compares beautifully and puts things into perspective in a way I had never considered before.
There was this hair, no longer any good to me, removed from my head to make way for beautiful hair underneath to grow and develop. I had done things to ruin it, I take responsibility for that. But none of it matters now. That hair is under another pile of hair in a garbage can at the salon by now. It's of no use to me, except that I have learned a lesson about playing computer games while I have colour on my hair! It's gone, no sense crying over it. I walked away from it in the salon, and while I may think about it every time I run a brush through my hair for the next few days, I know it has shaped my new style which is going to be so much better in the end.
So goes the events of my life in the past years. I have been the cause of many of the things that led me on the wrong path. I take responsibility. And I have mourned for far too long. And why? It's no good to me any more, and what's underneath is becoming so much more beautiful. I am learning not to shove my life into a ponytail to hide the split ends anymore. I made a mess, I cleaned it up, and now I am moving on.
Besides...I have a bag on my dresser with beautiful 20 inch hair extensions as my plan "B". Just like I have a heart inside that's learning to make my life more beautiful than even the finest hair could ever be!
Monday, April 27, 2009
What a difference a day makes!
Until late last week, I was thinking of writing an entry on what a pain in the ass DOUBT is! I was going to get out a thesaurus and come up with as many stupid words as I could that mean the same thing, and talk about what a pain in the ass they all are too.
I've changed my mind...Here's why:
There's no denying we all have doubts - about ourselves, our lives, our jobs, our friends, our futures...and so on and so on. And they're no fun. But what I have learned just in the past few days is how much DOUBT is a part of the learning process. If we didn't have doubt, how would we know when to ask questions?
Last week was filled with doubts. I am nowhere near caught up to where I need to be to feel comfortable moving forward. I still had tonnes of paperwork to do, my taxes, inventory to clean up my Fantasia business and ship back, my house was a disaster (as usual!) I wasn't working my new business, and I was a little short on sleep. Add to all that, I hadn't seen my parents much (I try to make it twice a week, and I usually don't feel like that's enough).
I think at the root of all my doubts was knowing we had to meet with the oncologist on Friday to discuss the results of Dad's latest CT scan and future treatments. All through Dad's illness, I couldn't fight the feeling that things were going to be o.k. On days when he thought it was over, or that things were looking bad, I had what can only be described as an instinct that he was wrong. And almost every time I was right! Kind of nice when DAUGHTER knows best for once! Somehow I didn't have the same confidence in this meeting, and I think that's part of what had me feeling pessimistic about everything else. I was pretty down.
The day of the appointment was really nerve wracking. Among the worst since this all started. I met Mom and Dad in the Oncologists office. Dad looked like a little boy sitting in that chair, so thin, hadn't slept in days and his skin was ashen. Whatever anxiety I was feeling was 100 fold in him. Mom was composed as always, I don't know how she does it.
So, in comes Dr. Reimen (sp?), an angel right here on earth. Seriously, this man is so beautiful. You can almost see his halo. If there is a Heaven, he has a free pass! He sits down and almost immediately tells us the CT scan shows NO cancer!!! Can you friggin' believe that!!! We understand it's not 100% conclusive, but hell, it's good news to a family who's been suffering through this for exactly four months. No treatment, and not even another CT scan until August!
Once again, a visit to the place I hate most in the world changed my life. All of that doubt was gone. I was giddy and talking a mile a minute. I called EVERYONE to tell them! Even people who probably thought I was a little nuts! It really put things into perspective, and I realized that the beginning of all of the changes I am experiencing in my life was the tragedy of Dad's illness. At the tender age of 40, I had been fortunate enough to have never dealt with anything like it before.
Over the weekend, I started reading a new (to me) book by Robin Sharma, and he practically described exactly what happened to me last week. He believes when tragedy hits our lives, it drains us emotionally...we use that phrase all the time, but he explained it in a way I never thought of before. He says that when we are drained emotionally, we are empty and ready to be re-filled. In my case it opened me up to new possibilities. I left every emotion in my soul on the floor of the Saint John Regional Hospital, and what flowed in to replace it was this joy and belief in the future! I don't quite know how that can happen out of the hell we all lived through, but I could not be more grateful! I guess by emptying my soul, I was making room for these wonderful things that were trying to get in before but didn't have room!
Two things happened...I learned that I need doubt to learn, and that gaining a little perspective can make doubts look pretty small and insignificant!
So, bring it on, DOUBT! I'm not afraid of you any more! Try as you like, I will win the battle with you every time!
I've changed my mind...Here's why:
There's no denying we all have doubts - about ourselves, our lives, our jobs, our friends, our futures...and so on and so on. And they're no fun. But what I have learned just in the past few days is how much DOUBT is a part of the learning process. If we didn't have doubt, how would we know when to ask questions?
Last week was filled with doubts. I am nowhere near caught up to where I need to be to feel comfortable moving forward. I still had tonnes of paperwork to do, my taxes, inventory to clean up my Fantasia business and ship back, my house was a disaster (as usual!) I wasn't working my new business, and I was a little short on sleep. Add to all that, I hadn't seen my parents much (I try to make it twice a week, and I usually don't feel like that's enough).
I think at the root of all my doubts was knowing we had to meet with the oncologist on Friday to discuss the results of Dad's latest CT scan and future treatments. All through Dad's illness, I couldn't fight the feeling that things were going to be o.k. On days when he thought it was over, or that things were looking bad, I had what can only be described as an instinct that he was wrong. And almost every time I was right! Kind of nice when DAUGHTER knows best for once! Somehow I didn't have the same confidence in this meeting, and I think that's part of what had me feeling pessimistic about everything else. I was pretty down.
The day of the appointment was really nerve wracking. Among the worst since this all started. I met Mom and Dad in the Oncologists office. Dad looked like a little boy sitting in that chair, so thin, hadn't slept in days and his skin was ashen. Whatever anxiety I was feeling was 100 fold in him. Mom was composed as always, I don't know how she does it.
So, in comes Dr. Reimen (sp?), an angel right here on earth. Seriously, this man is so beautiful. You can almost see his halo. If there is a Heaven, he has a free pass! He sits down and almost immediately tells us the CT scan shows NO cancer!!! Can you friggin' believe that!!! We understand it's not 100% conclusive, but hell, it's good news to a family who's been suffering through this for exactly four months. No treatment, and not even another CT scan until August!
Once again, a visit to the place I hate most in the world changed my life. All of that doubt was gone. I was giddy and talking a mile a minute. I called EVERYONE to tell them! Even people who probably thought I was a little nuts! It really put things into perspective, and I realized that the beginning of all of the changes I am experiencing in my life was the tragedy of Dad's illness. At the tender age of 40, I had been fortunate enough to have never dealt with anything like it before.
Over the weekend, I started reading a new (to me) book by Robin Sharma, and he practically described exactly what happened to me last week. He believes when tragedy hits our lives, it drains us emotionally...we use that phrase all the time, but he explained it in a way I never thought of before. He says that when we are drained emotionally, we are empty and ready to be re-filled. In my case it opened me up to new possibilities. I left every emotion in my soul on the floor of the Saint John Regional Hospital, and what flowed in to replace it was this joy and belief in the future! I don't quite know how that can happen out of the hell we all lived through, but I could not be more grateful! I guess by emptying my soul, I was making room for these wonderful things that were trying to get in before but didn't have room!
Two things happened...I learned that I need doubt to learn, and that gaining a little perspective can make doubts look pretty small and insignificant!
So, bring it on, DOUBT! I'm not afraid of you any more! Try as you like, I will win the battle with you every time!
Monday, April 20, 2009
'Cause I got-to have faith-a, faith-a, faith-ahhh!
I was raised very Catholic. Sunday school, scripture readings, morning and evening prayers...the works. Add in some grace before meals and a dose of Catholic guilt and you've got the picture.
I had very strong faith. As a screwed up teenager (and I do mean SCREWED UP!) I relied on my faith to get me through. It was nothing to see me in church 3 times a week. Sometimes just sitting when there was no mass and thinking, crying or just taking in the feeling of peace I felt just to be inside the walls of God's house. I really loved it. Sometimes I would even choke up reciting the prayers or singing the hymns.
When my marriage ended, my life turned upside-down. And while there was nothing specific in the break-up or subsequent events to shake my faith, it was the beginning of the end. Years of epic failure after my divorce were the main culprit. A string of HORRIBLE relationships with awful men (not all of them...but a few real doozies!), huge dreams that fell through, business opportunities that were colossal mistakes and an overall loss of faith in myself left me void of faith in pretty much everything. In the next 11 years, my life was one stupid mistake after another. I mixed in some pretty amazing accomplishments like marathons and body building, but they didn't last because I had no faith that they would. They were attempts to come up for air in a life that left me feel like I was drowning. I let my mistakes weigh on me, I punished myself relentlessly for the failure of my marriage and I allowed others to take away my identity and self-esteem. By the time I turned 38, I was down to a tiny flame of self-worth and friends and family who never gave up on me. I had let everything else of any importance go. Dreams??? HA They were for shit and I was just going to live the best way I knew how.
I have always missed my faith in God. I have tried to get it back. It never worked. I had started to believe I would just live my life without faith in anything and make the best of it.
About 6 months into my 39th year, I started to wonder if life really could begin at 40. I decided there was no one else who could determine that but me! So I set out to make it happen! First things first...something to celebrate! Last March, I spent 24 days in Africa on Safari and touring Egypt! I would say that takes care of the celebration!
Even though I didn't know how it was going to happen, I wanted 40 to be a new beginning. The first few months went by without anything really happening, and I began to wonder. But guess what...I have found faith! And it's unbelievable!
It's not faith in God, but it's faith in me and my life and my world and my friends, and my family, and my ability to continue this journey to the life I have always wanted. I can't believe what a change it has made in me! Some might equate this to a faith in God...I'm o.k. with that. What ever it is, it's AMAZING! I can't remember ever being so happy, motivated and inspired! And I want everyone around me to feel the same. For years I have heard other people talk about feeling like this, and I didn't think it would ever happen to me. Now I know it can, and if it can happen to me it can happen to everyone! Timing is everything and we never know when it's going to hit, but we have to be open to the possibility! For me, I go back to my originial quote..."when the student is ready, the teacher will arrive". There is wonder and beauty out there just waiting for us to see! Getting to the point where I could see it wasn't easy, but now that I'm here I know it was worth it.
I know I have a long way to go to truly become the person I dream of being. But the fact that I have a dream at all proves to me that it can be done. I know there will be tough days. Days when I will need hands to hold and shoulders to cry on, but knowing they will be there when I need them is a darn fine place to start.
Faith can be what you want it to be. But I believe the faith alone can move mountains! I'm glad mine is back...in spite of the George Michael reference!
I had very strong faith. As a screwed up teenager (and I do mean SCREWED UP!) I relied on my faith to get me through. It was nothing to see me in church 3 times a week. Sometimes just sitting when there was no mass and thinking, crying or just taking in the feeling of peace I felt just to be inside the walls of God's house. I really loved it. Sometimes I would even choke up reciting the prayers or singing the hymns.
When my marriage ended, my life turned upside-down. And while there was nothing specific in the break-up or subsequent events to shake my faith, it was the beginning of the end. Years of epic failure after my divorce were the main culprit. A string of HORRIBLE relationships with awful men (not all of them...but a few real doozies!), huge dreams that fell through, business opportunities that were colossal mistakes and an overall loss of faith in myself left me void of faith in pretty much everything. In the next 11 years, my life was one stupid mistake after another. I mixed in some pretty amazing accomplishments like marathons and body building, but they didn't last because I had no faith that they would. They were attempts to come up for air in a life that left me feel like I was drowning. I let my mistakes weigh on me, I punished myself relentlessly for the failure of my marriage and I allowed others to take away my identity and self-esteem. By the time I turned 38, I was down to a tiny flame of self-worth and friends and family who never gave up on me. I had let everything else of any importance go. Dreams??? HA They were for shit and I was just going to live the best way I knew how.
I have always missed my faith in God. I have tried to get it back. It never worked. I had started to believe I would just live my life without faith in anything and make the best of it.
About 6 months into my 39th year, I started to wonder if life really could begin at 40. I decided there was no one else who could determine that but me! So I set out to make it happen! First things first...something to celebrate! Last March, I spent 24 days in Africa on Safari and touring Egypt! I would say that takes care of the celebration!
Even though I didn't know how it was going to happen, I wanted 40 to be a new beginning. The first few months went by without anything really happening, and I began to wonder. But guess what...I have found faith! And it's unbelievable!
It's not faith in God, but it's faith in me and my life and my world and my friends, and my family, and my ability to continue this journey to the life I have always wanted. I can't believe what a change it has made in me! Some might equate this to a faith in God...I'm o.k. with that. What ever it is, it's AMAZING! I can't remember ever being so happy, motivated and inspired! And I want everyone around me to feel the same. For years I have heard other people talk about feeling like this, and I didn't think it would ever happen to me. Now I know it can, and if it can happen to me it can happen to everyone! Timing is everything and we never know when it's going to hit, but we have to be open to the possibility! For me, I go back to my originial quote..."when the student is ready, the teacher will arrive". There is wonder and beauty out there just waiting for us to see! Getting to the point where I could see it wasn't easy, but now that I'm here I know it was worth it.
I know I have a long way to go to truly become the person I dream of being. But the fact that I have a dream at all proves to me that it can be done. I know there will be tough days. Days when I will need hands to hold and shoulders to cry on, but knowing they will be there when I need them is a darn fine place to start.
Faith can be what you want it to be. But I believe the faith alone can move mountains! I'm glad mine is back...in spite of the George Michael reference!
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Bill Clinton at bedtime
I read slowly.
There are a couple of reasons. Primarily, I am madly in love with words. I love how they sound, I love how they look, I love how they go together to say whatever you want them to. Words rock! So when I'm reading, I love to savour every word!
Also, reading puts me to sleep. Not because it's boring, but because it's relaxing. I love to curl up with the kitties and a good book, read about five pages and doze off. It makes it tough to get through a book in any reasonable time. And considering I have a terrible memory, I sometimes have to work to remember where the story started!
I love biographies.
I think everyone from the most famous to the least known of us has a story. A brilliant story. I have read biographies from Joan Rivers, Christopher Reeves, Nelson Mandella, Benazir Bhutto and many others. The most recent biography I picked up was Bill Clinton, My Life. Bill Clinton is a pretty amazing guy. Set aside the fact that he got a BJ in the oval office from someone other than his wife (I wonder how many presidents of the United States have done that and just never got caught!), he's a brilliant man and he has done amazing thing with his life. One of those things was write a VERY, VERY loooonnnnnnggggg autobiography. Have you lifted this thing??? It weighs a tonne! Hand this book to a slow reader and he/she will have nightmares for a month! I can't tell you how long it took me to read A Long Walk to Freedom by Nelson Mandela...and it was a real page turner. The behemoth by Clinton is a real killer. By the third chapter you know the middle names of everyone he went to elementary school with! If you think I'm kidding, check it out! Don't get me wrong, I'm sure it's a wonderful book, but I don't think I will ever know for sure, because by the time I finish it, I will be too old to remember!
So, as we have already established, I have abandoned biographies (for the time being) in favour of motivational, inspirational, educational and other "al" books which I truly believe are starting to change my life. For one thing, I am getting much less sleep! There is no way I am dozing off in the middle of a story by Robin Sharma...or my latest favourite "7 Simple Steps to end Procrastination" by Tonya Grimes...I know the joke...It must have taken a long time to get around to reading that one!!! Haha! The truth is, once I started, I couldn't stop.
Yesterday, I had an extremely busy day. I was really tired because I had been up reading to late Sunday night and I was really looking forward to getting some sleep. However, since I am trying to stop procrastinating, I stopped to have my car looked at. It's been rattling since I had a new muffler put on two weeks ago. Well, I wasted an hour waiting for my car as it sat in the parking lot completely ignored. Since I also hate wasting time now (yet another new thing for me!) I decided to make an appointment for another time and go home...to sleep! But once I got home I kept finding work to do. Returning e-mails, doing laundry, writing to-do lists so I can stop procrastinating, mostly important things!
When I finally decided to lie down, it was around 6. But by then I had a chill from sitting at my computer for so long and I couldn't sleep. So, up I get again thinking I would fill the tub with some nice aromatherapy salts and super hot water and read in the bath and that would surely put me to sleep. I brought my book...7 Simple Steps..well, you know...and I finished it. Bad idea!
The last chapter of the book is about facing your fears, and fear of failure. It tells a story about a group of kids teaching a friend how to ride a bike. They drag this poor kid up a hill, put him on the bike and give him a push. Of course he falls, so they drag him up the hill and do it again. He continues to fall, but each time he makes it a little farther. Finally, he makes it to the bottom of the hill and TA DA he knows how to ride that bike! What a great analogy in business and in life! And it was a story that really hit home for me. When I was about 6, there was nothing more I wanted in the world than to start school and learn to ride a bike. School would come on it's own, but I was determined to ride that damn bike! So I practiced and I practiced and I nearly beat myself to death on this frikkin bike. I hit my shins on the pedals so many times my poor mother started to worry, but I was determined to conquer that bike. And guess what...I did! I was almost completely black and blue, but even as a child I knew I could win the battle over the bike.
In my new business my fear is of rejection. Network Marketers have made a bad name for themselves over the years by hounding the shit out of people to buy their "stuff". I believe in network marketing. I believe in the relationships I plan to build and I believe in my product. I also believe people are just waiting for me to start with the phone calls, the e-mails and the huge pains in the ass. I believe they are prepared with their rejection lines before they even find out I'm calling to wish them happy birthday. I don't blame them, I used to feel the same. Now I know the difference. The point is, my fear is to contact potential new clients only to have them slam the phone down, say mean things or belittle my efforts and my faith in what I am doing. I have a wonderful story and product to share, and that's all I want to do is share. If people want to join me on my journey, FANTASTIC! If not, It was great to talk to you, let's chat again soon. The end.
So, I finished my book in the tub...devoured every word of the story about the kid and the bike and do you suppose I got a warm fuzzy feeling and curled up with the kitties and had a lovely snooze? Not friggin' likely! I got out of the tub, put on my fuzzy housecoat, dug out a list of contacts and made 14 phone calls! Yep, 14!!! And 13 were receptive and I have now sent them information about my new business! I felt like a friggin' genius! I even called the wonderful Kim to tell her because I couldn't control my excitement and my pride. I certainly didn't love every second of those calls. When I was done, I was emotionally exhausted, but I was also 10 feet tall and bullet proof! Who knows where those calls will lead? It would be nice if they all became friends and clients! But the main thing is, I learned something. I set my mind to it and I got it done. I didn't love it, but it wasn't so bad and I felt amazing when I was done! I can't believe I have been procrastinating on learning not to procrastinate all these years.
I learned something else...I can't read motivational books when I need sleep! Too much adrenaline and motivation...so from now on it's only Bill Clinton at bedtime!
Good Night!
There are a couple of reasons. Primarily, I am madly in love with words. I love how they sound, I love how they look, I love how they go together to say whatever you want them to. Words rock! So when I'm reading, I love to savour every word!
Also, reading puts me to sleep. Not because it's boring, but because it's relaxing. I love to curl up with the kitties and a good book, read about five pages and doze off. It makes it tough to get through a book in any reasonable time. And considering I have a terrible memory, I sometimes have to work to remember where the story started!
I love biographies.
I think everyone from the most famous to the least known of us has a story. A brilliant story. I have read biographies from Joan Rivers, Christopher Reeves, Nelson Mandella, Benazir Bhutto and many others. The most recent biography I picked up was Bill Clinton, My Life. Bill Clinton is a pretty amazing guy. Set aside the fact that he got a BJ in the oval office from someone other than his wife (I wonder how many presidents of the United States have done that and just never got caught!), he's a brilliant man and he has done amazing thing with his life. One of those things was write a VERY, VERY loooonnnnnnggggg autobiography. Have you lifted this thing??? It weighs a tonne! Hand this book to a slow reader and he/she will have nightmares for a month! I can't tell you how long it took me to read A Long Walk to Freedom by Nelson Mandela...and it was a real page turner. The behemoth by Clinton is a real killer. By the third chapter you know the middle names of everyone he went to elementary school with! If you think I'm kidding, check it out! Don't get me wrong, I'm sure it's a wonderful book, but I don't think I will ever know for sure, because by the time I finish it, I will be too old to remember!
So, as we have already established, I have abandoned biographies (for the time being) in favour of motivational, inspirational, educational and other "al" books which I truly believe are starting to change my life. For one thing, I am getting much less sleep! There is no way I am dozing off in the middle of a story by Robin Sharma...or my latest favourite "7 Simple Steps to end Procrastination" by Tonya Grimes...I know the joke...It must have taken a long time to get around to reading that one!!! Haha! The truth is, once I started, I couldn't stop.
Yesterday, I had an extremely busy day. I was really tired because I had been up reading to late Sunday night and I was really looking forward to getting some sleep. However, since I am trying to stop procrastinating, I stopped to have my car looked at. It's been rattling since I had a new muffler put on two weeks ago. Well, I wasted an hour waiting for my car as it sat in the parking lot completely ignored. Since I also hate wasting time now (yet another new thing for me!) I decided to make an appointment for another time and go home...to sleep! But once I got home I kept finding work to do. Returning e-mails, doing laundry, writing to-do lists so I can stop procrastinating, mostly important things!
When I finally decided to lie down, it was around 6. But by then I had a chill from sitting at my computer for so long and I couldn't sleep. So, up I get again thinking I would fill the tub with some nice aromatherapy salts and super hot water and read in the bath and that would surely put me to sleep. I brought my book...7 Simple Steps..well, you know...and I finished it. Bad idea!
The last chapter of the book is about facing your fears, and fear of failure. It tells a story about a group of kids teaching a friend how to ride a bike. They drag this poor kid up a hill, put him on the bike and give him a push. Of course he falls, so they drag him up the hill and do it again. He continues to fall, but each time he makes it a little farther. Finally, he makes it to the bottom of the hill and TA DA he knows how to ride that bike! What a great analogy in business and in life! And it was a story that really hit home for me. When I was about 6, there was nothing more I wanted in the world than to start school and learn to ride a bike. School would come on it's own, but I was determined to ride that damn bike! So I practiced and I practiced and I nearly beat myself to death on this frikkin bike. I hit my shins on the pedals so many times my poor mother started to worry, but I was determined to conquer that bike. And guess what...I did! I was almost completely black and blue, but even as a child I knew I could win the battle over the bike.
In my new business my fear is of rejection. Network Marketers have made a bad name for themselves over the years by hounding the shit out of people to buy their "stuff". I believe in network marketing. I believe in the relationships I plan to build and I believe in my product. I also believe people are just waiting for me to start with the phone calls, the e-mails and the huge pains in the ass. I believe they are prepared with their rejection lines before they even find out I'm calling to wish them happy birthday. I don't blame them, I used to feel the same. Now I know the difference. The point is, my fear is to contact potential new clients only to have them slam the phone down, say mean things or belittle my efforts and my faith in what I am doing. I have a wonderful story and product to share, and that's all I want to do is share. If people want to join me on my journey, FANTASTIC! If not, It was great to talk to you, let's chat again soon. The end.
So, I finished my book in the tub...devoured every word of the story about the kid and the bike and do you suppose I got a warm fuzzy feeling and curled up with the kitties and had a lovely snooze? Not friggin' likely! I got out of the tub, put on my fuzzy housecoat, dug out a list of contacts and made 14 phone calls! Yep, 14!!! And 13 were receptive and I have now sent them information about my new business! I felt like a friggin' genius! I even called the wonderful Kim to tell her because I couldn't control my excitement and my pride. I certainly didn't love every second of those calls. When I was done, I was emotionally exhausted, but I was also 10 feet tall and bullet proof! Who knows where those calls will lead? It would be nice if they all became friends and clients! But the main thing is, I learned something. I set my mind to it and I got it done. I didn't love it, but it wasn't so bad and I felt amazing when I was done! I can't believe I have been procrastinating on learning not to procrastinate all these years.
I learned something else...I can't read motivational books when I need sleep! Too much adrenaline and motivation...so from now on it's only Bill Clinton at bedtime!
Good Night!
Sunday, April 12, 2009
So...Why a blog?
In my search to find the life I have always wanted, I have started reading inspirational and motivational books, and they all say journaling is a way to learn about yourself and grow.
I considered just writing everything in a note book, but who writes anything down anymore? Typing is much more fun. But the real reason I decided on a blog begins with Facebook.
Let's face it, facebook is the DEVIL! I'm also a hopeless addict, so what does that tell you. When I first heard about facebook, I wasn't interested. I thought, big deal, people you haven't spoken to in years can find you. Well, chances are, I'm already in contact with people I WANT to be in contact with, why do I need more people finding me. I was happy being incognito.
Then in June of 2008, I started yet another business venture, and decided facebook would be a good way to network. In my efforts to remain somewhat anonymous, I didn't use my real name! It wasn't a very good pseudonym, and the picture of my smiling face in the top left corner was a dead give away, but it was working. I was gaining recognition for my business and drawing past and future clients to my page to keep in touch.
Meantime, I was gathering a group of personal friends who I contacted to let them know who the mysterious woman who looked just like me was! Then through common friends I added Lynn Casey...Hang on, the relevance is coming...
Lynn and I went to high school together. Our "cliques" were polar opposites from each other. We were never "not" friends, just never buddies. She had a great group of girlfriends, and I was always wrapped up in one boy or another. She was loud, boiserous and FAR more fun than I, so she simply wasn't my type. We were never unfriendly, but we didn't go to many of the same parties!
Well somehow, Lynn and I became friends on facebook. And I discovered she had a blog. Because it was titled "My 100 pound journey" It really caught my eye since I have been on one of those most of my adult life! So I read it...and I laughed my head off. It is funny, touching, inspiring and insightful! I was blown away. I devoured all of the posts and learned alot about Lynn that I never knew. But I also learned how she has taken the over-the-top personality of hers and turned it into a successful business and an increasingly successful life! She has an amazing story to tell, and she tells it exceptionally well.
After reading a post where she reveals that she has become a professional/motivational speaker, I was GREEEEEEN with envy! It's what I have always wanted to do. I can think of nothing more fulfilling to do with one's life than to motivate others! Imagine being the influence that made someone change his/her life! Imagine that words that come from your own mouth and your own heart moving someone to action! Wow!
When I first told Lynn I was following her blog, she told me she hoped to inspire others with her story and that's why she decided to start her blog. She also gave me a "virtual" boot in the ass and told me to get moving on mine!
So there it is. A blog because Lynn said so! Heehee...not really. But I am inspired by what she says. If I can inspire one person by telling my story...WOW...
I am on a journey I never thought I would take. Maybe someone else will consider taking the same journey by reading something I have written. That would be truly spectacular!
I considered just writing everything in a note book, but who writes anything down anymore? Typing is much more fun. But the real reason I decided on a blog begins with Facebook.
Let's face it, facebook is the DEVIL! I'm also a hopeless addict, so what does that tell you. When I first heard about facebook, I wasn't interested. I thought, big deal, people you haven't spoken to in years can find you. Well, chances are, I'm already in contact with people I WANT to be in contact with, why do I need more people finding me. I was happy being incognito.
Then in June of 2008, I started yet another business venture, and decided facebook would be a good way to network. In my efforts to remain somewhat anonymous, I didn't use my real name! It wasn't a very good pseudonym, and the picture of my smiling face in the top left corner was a dead give away, but it was working. I was gaining recognition for my business and drawing past and future clients to my page to keep in touch.
Meantime, I was gathering a group of personal friends who I contacted to let them know who the mysterious woman who looked just like me was! Then through common friends I added Lynn Casey...Hang on, the relevance is coming...
Lynn and I went to high school together. Our "cliques" were polar opposites from each other. We were never "not" friends, just never buddies. She had a great group of girlfriends, and I was always wrapped up in one boy or another. She was loud, boiserous and FAR more fun than I, so she simply wasn't my type. We were never unfriendly, but we didn't go to many of the same parties!
Well somehow, Lynn and I became friends on facebook. And I discovered she had a blog. Because it was titled "My 100 pound journey" It really caught my eye since I have been on one of those most of my adult life! So I read it...and I laughed my head off. It is funny, touching, inspiring and insightful! I was blown away. I devoured all of the posts and learned alot about Lynn that I never knew. But I also learned how she has taken the over-the-top personality of hers and turned it into a successful business and an increasingly successful life! She has an amazing story to tell, and she tells it exceptionally well.
After reading a post where she reveals that she has become a professional/motivational speaker, I was GREEEEEEN with envy! It's what I have always wanted to do. I can think of nothing more fulfilling to do with one's life than to motivate others! Imagine being the influence that made someone change his/her life! Imagine that words that come from your own mouth and your own heart moving someone to action! Wow!
When I first told Lynn I was following her blog, she told me she hoped to inspire others with her story and that's why she decided to start her blog. She also gave me a "virtual" boot in the ass and told me to get moving on mine!
So there it is. A blog because Lynn said so! Heehee...not really. But I am inspired by what she says. If I can inspire one person by telling my story...WOW...
I am on a journey I never thought I would take. Maybe someone else will consider taking the same journey by reading something I have written. That would be truly spectacular!
Monday, April 6, 2009
And so it begins...
"When the student is ready, the teacher arrives"
I have learned this in the most amazing way in the past few weeks. I have been considering a journal or blog for years, but I have been terrible at getting around to it...as a matter of fact I have been terrible at getting around to lots of things! That's changing, and so it begins...
I'm going to go way out on a limb here and start from the beginning.
I have always believed that greatness, enlightment, inner peace, ect., were for other people. I was just not the type. I'm a get up in the morning (only because I absolutely HAVE to), go to work, come home, watch tv, eat too much, go to bed kind of person. Mixed in with this have been moments of unbelievable adventure! It's a crazy paradox, and it's my life.
Let's see, it started by jetting off to modelling school in Toronto at the tender age of 18 (my poor parents). Along the way I have had many, many jobs. I have tried a zillion things including climbing and repelling, snorkelling, marathon running, competitive body building, starting a number of businesses, zip lining...the list goes on. I took up figure skating at the tender age of 21 and acting at 38! I have been to the Pyramids of Egypt, the Eiffel Tower, on safari in the Serengeti, I have flown with the snowbirds, and I created my own successful self-therapy to cure my arachnophobia! Ask me about that last one someday!
So...All of this fun tossed in with an otherwise normal life has been quite a roller coaster. I have always been in search of something exciting enough to change me into the person I have always wanted to be. I recently wrote that I don't believe great people are made, I believe they are born. I still believe that, only now I believe we are all born great but not all of us live to our full potential. I am officially working on mine.
In October, 2008, I met an amazing woman named Kim Shaw. She offered me a network marketing opportunity, which at the time I didn't take very seriously. It just wasn't my thing. I have been steering clear of network marketing my whole adult life. I tried Kim's product and became interested in learning more. This is not an effort to get anyone to join my team...it's just a way to fill in the space from there to here.
Soon after meeting Kim, I found out my father had Esophageal cancer. I was devastated. I had his eulogy written in my head within hours. Then someone wonderful (Alberta, my bestest bud!) gave me this sage advice...don't mourn him while he is still alive.
On Christmas eve, we learned Dad would be having surgery. It wouldn't be a nice process, but it offered us hope. On January 6th, Dad underwent 8 hours of surgery and came through it with flying colours. After the surgery things went down hill. He had a violent and horrifying case of ICU psychosis which lead to isolation and a paralyzing fear of being left alone. Mom and I spent every waking, and many sleeping moments with him for 9 days in SICU. When he was moved to the floors, he made huge improvements, and after 12 days he was home. 4 days later he aspirated and nearly died. We took him to the hospital where he was admitted and spent the next 5 weeks. Between the aspiration and bilateral pneumonia, we were convinced we were going to lose him. 16 hour days in the hospital watching someone you love more than almost anything nearly die from choking on a nearly hourly basis can sure change your perspective on things.
Ok...so the Reader's Digest version is, Dad is out of the hospital after a total of 50 days and slowly recovering. He will need further treatment, but we are hopeful the improvements will continue. It's been a very long 4 months. I could never have survived without the support of my wonderful friends, especially Alberta and Greg who were there for me any time of the day or night to listen to the good the bad and the ugly. So many other people offered words of encouragement that I could never thank them all personally, but you know who you are!
During all this time, I was receiving e-mails from my new friend Kim. We became wonderful friends, and I am very lucky to have her in my life. I have since joined her business and I am very excited about my future because of it.
I am not only learning about network marketing, but I am learning about me and how to improve my life. I have recently read "The Monk who sold his Ferrari" by Robin Sharma. He is my new guru. I am so inspired by this book and looking forward to reading more of his and others which will help me see my life in a new light. I am learning self discipline, which I NEVER had in any great dose, self-knowledge, the law of attraction and most importantly that in helping others, we help ourselves. I am opening my mind to the possibility...no, the probability that I CAN be great! So, I think I'll give it a whirl! Stay tuned...
I have learned this in the most amazing way in the past few weeks. I have been considering a journal or blog for years, but I have been terrible at getting around to it...as a matter of fact I have been terrible at getting around to lots of things! That's changing, and so it begins...
I'm going to go way out on a limb here and start from the beginning.
I have always believed that greatness, enlightment, inner peace, ect., were for other people. I was just not the type. I'm a get up in the morning (only because I absolutely HAVE to), go to work, come home, watch tv, eat too much, go to bed kind of person. Mixed in with this have been moments of unbelievable adventure! It's a crazy paradox, and it's my life.
Let's see, it started by jetting off to modelling school in Toronto at the tender age of 18 (my poor parents). Along the way I have had many, many jobs. I have tried a zillion things including climbing and repelling, snorkelling, marathon running, competitive body building, starting a number of businesses, zip lining...the list goes on. I took up figure skating at the tender age of 21 and acting at 38! I have been to the Pyramids of Egypt, the Eiffel Tower, on safari in the Serengeti, I have flown with the snowbirds, and I created my own successful self-therapy to cure my arachnophobia! Ask me about that last one someday!
So...All of this fun tossed in with an otherwise normal life has been quite a roller coaster. I have always been in search of something exciting enough to change me into the person I have always wanted to be. I recently wrote that I don't believe great people are made, I believe they are born. I still believe that, only now I believe we are all born great but not all of us live to our full potential. I am officially working on mine.
In October, 2008, I met an amazing woman named Kim Shaw. She offered me a network marketing opportunity, which at the time I didn't take very seriously. It just wasn't my thing. I have been steering clear of network marketing my whole adult life. I tried Kim's product and became interested in learning more. This is not an effort to get anyone to join my team...it's just a way to fill in the space from there to here.
Soon after meeting Kim, I found out my father had Esophageal cancer. I was devastated. I had his eulogy written in my head within hours. Then someone wonderful (Alberta, my bestest bud!) gave me this sage advice...don't mourn him while he is still alive.
On Christmas eve, we learned Dad would be having surgery. It wouldn't be a nice process, but it offered us hope. On January 6th, Dad underwent 8 hours of surgery and came through it with flying colours. After the surgery things went down hill. He had a violent and horrifying case of ICU psychosis which lead to isolation and a paralyzing fear of being left alone. Mom and I spent every waking, and many sleeping moments with him for 9 days in SICU. When he was moved to the floors, he made huge improvements, and after 12 days he was home. 4 days later he aspirated and nearly died. We took him to the hospital where he was admitted and spent the next 5 weeks. Between the aspiration and bilateral pneumonia, we were convinced we were going to lose him. 16 hour days in the hospital watching someone you love more than almost anything nearly die from choking on a nearly hourly basis can sure change your perspective on things.
Ok...so the Reader's Digest version is, Dad is out of the hospital after a total of 50 days and slowly recovering. He will need further treatment, but we are hopeful the improvements will continue. It's been a very long 4 months. I could never have survived without the support of my wonderful friends, especially Alberta and Greg who were there for me any time of the day or night to listen to the good the bad and the ugly. So many other people offered words of encouragement that I could never thank them all personally, but you know who you are!
During all this time, I was receiving e-mails from my new friend Kim. We became wonderful friends, and I am very lucky to have her in my life. I have since joined her business and I am very excited about my future because of it.
I am not only learning about network marketing, but I am learning about me and how to improve my life. I have recently read "The Monk who sold his Ferrari" by Robin Sharma. He is my new guru. I am so inspired by this book and looking forward to reading more of his and others which will help me see my life in a new light. I am learning self discipline, which I NEVER had in any great dose, self-knowledge, the law of attraction and most importantly that in helping others, we help ourselves. I am opening my mind to the possibility...no, the probability that I CAN be great! So, I think I'll give it a whirl! Stay tuned...
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